Hawkmistress

2011-12-29T09:23:00.001-05:00

Taking antidepressants (when they work) is sort of like walking out of a cave. Things become gradually less and less dark until you can see things clearly around you - but if you look back, there is still impenetrable darkness that cannot be understood or lit. You're no longer in it, but it's just as impossible to understand as it was while you were in it.

It's still pretty dim in here, but I'm beginning to see my way around.

What, is there a blog still here?

2011-09-05T14:17:00.000-04:00

I found this draft as I posted the last entry... I think it was from about a year ago. The more things change, the more they stay the same...

*********************************************************************
It's been a bumpy ride. Being bipolar makes everything 200% more difficult, I think. I read about other supermoms who make their kids decorative bento lunches every day, and keep the house clean & the laundry done, and work, and have hobbies, and do it all while suffering from IBS or Crohn's disease or something, and think "why the hell can't I do that?" I don't know if it's because I'm undisciplined, or lazy, or because so much of the time I'm just barely holding myself together with baling wire and string that I'm doing good to keep kids alive and fed and not lose my job...

I can't even type this without falling apart. Doesn't help that I'm somewhat hormonal; this week frequently sucks. It should be interesting when I go to see the psychiatrist... I doubt I'm going to be able to be coherent, which is going to suck, because sometimes I get the feeling he's reading me wrong. Yeah, I'm bipolar - but in the last several years, trust me, depression has had the upper hand. The few manic spikes I've had haven't even lasted a full day (which sucks; I feel like I can actually get things DONE then).

The interesting thing is that there are these times (I used to call them the plateau moments) where it seems I can see clearly all around me, and I'm confident (not overly so) and functional... it feels like a long time since I've had one of those.

My life is a lot less insane than it used to be - but I seem to be managing it less well. My list of things I'm doing at the same time is down to two: working, and being mom-shuttle. I'm not taking care of dad or my aunt any more... I'm not currently taking classes... I'm not singing in the chorus... so why do I feel like my life is so incredibly out of control and unmanageable? It might be that because I'm not stretched anywhere near as thin as I used to be, I'm thinking about all the stuff I SHOULD be doing, that I'm not.

I'm not singing, or learning another language, or bringing up my children to be fluent in multiple languages, or feeding my children organic, no artificial color or flavor foods, or doing any sort of hobby (pottery, jewelry making, quilts, scrapbooking, knitting, crocheting, cross-stitching, drawing, sculpture...) or making my house the spotless relaxing place I want it to be

Of course, I could get off my ass and stop whining online and go work.

2011-09-05T14:16:00.000-04:00

So, was reading a post by a fellow depression-sufferer. One sentence in particular caught my attention: "Most people have no idea what it's like to actually resent being alive, and it's such a foreign idea to them that if you introduce it in conversation they often become defensive." I've never heard it put quite like that, but it's perfect - when you're really depressed, you RESENT being alive. You resent everything you have to do, whether for yourself or other people. You resent having to go through the motions of life, because what the hell's the point anyway, it all sucks? It sucks, you suck - everything sucks.

He also pointed out (quite correctly) that depression doesn't care what's going on in the rest of your life; things could be going perfectly - but if it's raining, it's raining. And I don't have wipers. For example, this weekend I was out of town with my babu, sans kids, eating something lovely for breakfast in a really nifty shop in Durham, NC. They had all kinds of stuff in there; the display behind us had toys & bibs etc. Looked at the toys and out of nowhere, I started to tear up, because the depression voice inside my head was suddenly yelling about what a crappy mom I was; how I didn't spend enough time with my children when they were babies doing things that would help their brain development, etc. etc. I couldn't even tell J what was bothering me, because I would have lost it completely right there in the restaurant. (As it was, several hours later in the car when I _did_ tell him, I started to cry all over again.) There is nothing rational about this. When I'm chemically depressed, that horrible self-critical voice in my head takes off like it's on meth. At least at this point in my life I recognize it for what it is - when I was younger, I believed everything it said. Nowadays, I usually only believe part of it. (It honestly depends on how badly I'm doing.)

Probably one of the hardest things about being depressed (other than being depressed, which sucks) is watching what it does to your family. I think honestly, that's where a lot of suicides come from - if you truly care about these people you're with; your partner and children - and you see what your illness does to them - how can you not want to spare them that? It's hard for a depressed person to see how your absence could be worse - let alone how much worse your method of removing yourself from their lives could make things for everybody, forever. There have been many times in the last several years that I've thought longingly of getting flattened by a truck - but I know I can't do that to my husband and children.

There's that (to me, really fucking annoying) response people have to suicide: "a permanent solution to a temporary problem." I'm 36 years old, and I've been suffering from depression since I was a teenager. How fucking temporary is that? I'm about to start over, trying a new medication - as the last one made things worse, and might have done some physical damage to my body to boot. There is nothing temporary about my condition. There is no cure, there is no silver bullet that fixes things. It's physically and emotionally exhausting, trying to find a way to stay out of the black hole. And trying to do it while seeming okay on the outside, in a futile attempt to not make the people around you miserable... *sigh*

It helps when people post about depression, I think. As well meaning as my mother is, when she says things like "it's probably better not to mention depression at your office; be careful what words you use" I feel like even more of a leper. I think if more people understood that it's not just that I need to "start thinking positive thoughts" and that it's not a character flaw that sometimes the thought of all the people starving in the world starts me on a crying jag... maybe it wouldn't be so unbearable. I'm lucky that it's not as bad as it was 20, 30 years ago - but there should still be more understanding and acceptance of mental illness in today's world. Then again, there should be less people starving and killing each other too, and look how well THAT'S going.

I've been in pretty bad shape lately. I'm better now than I was earlier when I started this post (I took a break and took a shower - for some reason, running water seems to help me feel better most of the time) but I still think going to sleep for a little while is the safest thing. Sometimes, that's all it seems you can do - sleep and hope you'll be a little less depressed when you wake up. Fortunately, I have a very patient and loving partner who not only tells me I need to just take a nap, but can manage the kids while I do so.

So, I still can't find the @#$%&*! Bronze Star.

2010-08-02T00:26:00.001-04:00

Just ran to ER and stole a warm blanket for dad. That trek from the ER to the 5th floor is a killer. Note to future hospital builders: TMH - not well planned.

Wonderful time with my babu - didn't get shot at, and he pointed out two does on the side of the road. (I was amazed to see them out midday.)

2010-08-01T14:27:00.001-04:00

note to self: cotton plants have REALLY deep roots.

2010-08-01T14:03:00.001-04:00

cotton hunting!

2010-08-01T13:23:00.001-04:00

Funeral arrangements are as follows: visitation/viewing this Monday night, from 5 - 7pm. Funeral Tuesday morning at 10. Both at Bevis Funeral Home on North Monroe.

2010-07-30T14:37:00.001-04:00

Albert Lee Haggerty. Oct 6, 1920 - July 29, 2010

2010-07-29T12:08:00.001-04:00

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell - I know, right now you can't tell.

2010-07-29T11:11:00.001-04:00

No sooner do I get one freaked-out kid asleep, the other one wakes up & comes & gets me. I've given up sleeping in my own bed tonight.

2010-07-26T03:58:00.001-04:00

To whomever estimates the wait time at Another Broken Egg: you need more practice. Or a different job. Or something.

2010-07-18T11:00:00.001-04:00

Hopefully you're asleep (but no bets!) but I want to tell you happy birthday, Christian. You're my favorite little boy - even when you're not so little.

2010-07-18T03:11:00.001-04:00

Dear Acura driver on I-10 who just cut me (& a truck pulling a boat) off: you suck.

2010-07-17T11:37:00.001-04:00

Dangit, why am I so TIRED? I was bad & even let myself sleep in this morning!

2010-07-16T17:06:00.001-04:00

I keep thinking that if I sit in the car long enough, it'll slack off enough for me to get in the house. (Then again, I'm not sure I could get any wetter.)

2010-07-15T17:50:00.001-04:00

It's raining and the sun is shining - where's my rainbow?

2010-07-13T16:39:00.001-04:00

For anybody who would like to visit my father (or mother, as I'm sure she'll be there too) he is in room 4 at Big Bend Hospice House. Call me if you want his direct #.

2010-07-12T15:36:00.001-04:00

Great timing. Power problems at hospital = no ac. Has finally come back on - but isn't remotely cool yet. Glad we're leaving for Hospice House.

2010-07-12T11:54:00.001-04:00

Dad update: decided he's had enough. No more medication, etc. We've given him some vit b to make sure it's not antibiotic-induced depression. Now we're just waiting to be sure of his decision, & if so, where he wants to go.

2010-07-11T17:13:00.001-04:00

Dad update: fever 101+, waiting for chest x-ray results. Could be pneumonia or infection in PICC line. He is officially DNR now.

2010-07-10T10:06:00.001-04:00

That was dumb. I should've bright my computer to Trousdell so I could do some work. Which reminds me: hey City of Tallahassee - a wireless network at the gym where all us parents are stuck would be VERY HELPFUL.

2010-07-10T09:29:00.001-04:00

Dad isn't doing well, but for no (as yet) discernable reason. Mom has called hospice, who should hopefully provide some much-needed help when we go home (date unknown).

2010-07-09T17:50:00.001-04:00

I'm sitting in front of a woman with an iPad - am stifling jealousy.

2010-07-08T16:46:00.001-04:00

Purse, computer bag & wallet cleaned out & reorganized. Having imposed a little order in my life (however minuscule) I feel a little better.

2010-07-08T15:33:00.001-04:00

I do not effing believe it. NOT ONLY was dad not exhausted by the dozen or more visitors he got yesterday, but the bowel obstruction might have resolved itself... tests coming soon.

2010-07-06T10:15:00.001-04:00

Note for future performances: bring ear plugs. Good god, it's SO LOUD.

2010-07-04T16:09:00.001-04:00

Doc said in response to moms's question - 30% chance of dad coming out of surgery.

2010-07-04T08:36:00.001-04:00

The other thing I'm not really thrilled about is that they've had these (in my case, anyway) 6 year olds practicing for 2 hours without a break.

2010-07-03T11:52:00.001-04:00

I have to admit, I'm a little unhappy that the coaches are going to make the girls do 2 dances rather than concentrate on 1, as they're all beginners and haven't been practicing very long. :( M is stressing.

2010-07-03T11:47:00.001-04:00

So I'm watching M at her dance team practice - it's a bit mindblowing that she's going to be performing at Tom Brown park on the 4th of July. I'm glad she didn't get my social anxiety problem (or my perfectionism). She's having a blast. :)

2010-07-03T10:45:00.001-04:00

You know it's been a long day if you get in the elevator to leave, & instead of pressing the G button to go down, you press the 5 (which is the floor you're on) and it takes you several minutes to figure out why it's taking so long to get down.

2010-07-03T03:09:00.001-04:00

parking garages are really creepy at 3am.

Not fair - I had ONE kahlua & milk last night; I should NOT be this disorganized, foggy & brain-dead.

2010-07-01T08:13:00.001-04:00

Ok, so my husband's home prone w/a back injury; I'm at my parents' helping dad get out of bed into a chair & mom almost goes over. I'd have lifted more weights if I knew I'd be in this position!

2010-06-27T18:31:00.001-04:00

So, I've been saying for years that I should start meditating, but I'd never quite gotten around to it... well, on the way to the hospital today listened to the Diane Rehm show, which was all about the benefits of meditation. I'm taking it as a sign, especially now that we're living in such a wonderfully calm, relaxing house. So while I'm here at the hospital, I'm going to be researching meditation techniques etc. online - feel free to send me suggestions.

2010-06-22T14:45:00.001-04:00

I wonder if people who repeat things like om mani padme hum (I'm sure I massacred the spelling) when meditating do so because it drowns out the other voices - seems to work.

2010-06-19T00:40:00.001-04:00

today's bumpersticker: your child may be an honor student, but your driving still sucks.

2010-06-17T14:32:00.001-04:00

John Moe (johnmoe):
In preparation for Several John Evening at #wits, a list from the top John movie of all ever: http://www.figmentfly.com/bb/badguys3.html

http://twitter.com/johnmoe/status/16396725715

(Sent via Seesmic http://www.seesmic.com)

Totally bizarre. It's usually J who can't sleep... have we traded places or something? It's 5:30am and I don't know how I'm going to function in the morning.

2010-06-16T05:39:00.001-04:00

So, not sure if I've burned thru my manic, or if it's just that it's almost 5am and I'm tired.

2010-06-08T05:04:00.001-04:00

Having great friends when moving: awesome. Thanks, Matt & Sarah. We owe you. :)

2010-06-06T19:41:00.001-04:00

heel spurs while moving suck.

2010-06-06T15:40:00.001-04:00

Ok, this officially sucks. Come on, aspirin.

2010-06-06T06:34:00.001-04:00

It rains on both the just and the unjust man. It rains more on the just man, however, because the unjust man has the just man's umbrella.

2010-06-05T15:58:00.001-04:00

Why the hell do we always end up moving in the summer? Glad we have the truck til Monday. Glad kids are being so helpful.

2010-06-05T15:24:00.001-04:00

So by 7am both kids were in my bed. I gave up & went to lie down in their room. My cat has decided this is a good time to snuggle, so it's kinda like having a furry vibrating hot water bottle on my head.

2010-06-05T07:41:00.001-04:00

So on Sunday, I stop one medication, start two new ones, and start tapering down one I'm currently taking. Should be interesting. I'm going to try to take notes as it goes. Those of you who have been helping my husband maintain his sanity while living with his crazy-ass wife, you're forewarned. :) (And thank you, btw. It means the world to me that he's got such good friends.)

2010-06-04T20:59:00.001-04:00

Every time I drive across I-10 now, I think of the time the hawk flew along side the overpass next to me.

2010-06-04T18:05:00.001-04:00

Goodbye, Imagine school. I'll miss the teachers we had, but not much else.

2010-06-04T12:22:00.001-04:00

I've forgotten what quiet is like.

2010-06-03T17:45:00.001-04:00

Yay. Three more yellow pills before (hopefully) increasing sanity.

2010-06-02T09:02:00.001-04:00

let's see if I can make it to the gas station this morning.

2010-06-02T08:31:00.001-04:00

*&%$!! Am I EVER going to feel rested again??!

2010-06-02T04:16:00.001-04:00

Not sure how I've managed - but since 3:30 I got all my errands run, grabbed groceries with the kids, came home & made a balanced dinner while kids were showering, and am about to put kids to bed. Whatever jolt of got-it-togetheredness I got, CAN I HAVE MORE PLEASE??!

2010-06-01T20:39:00.001-04:00

so, let's see how this thing works...

2010-05-31T23:21:00.001-04:00

2010-05-16T20:44:00.002-04:00

It's funny how you think when you grow up life is going to be different somehow. Less confusing, more happy... and really, it never changes. I don't want to stick my head in the sand; my mother is a good example of why not to live like that. And yet, I don't know what to do. I'm paralyzed by the enormity of the problems. I keep thinking "oh, well once THIS happens everything will be better..." but it never seems to work out that way.

I created a whole secret identity to blow off steam, but without some sort of responses it's like shouting into the ether. It's instructive now to go back and read about some of the things I was venting about, or whining about - some of which I'm still venting about to this day, amusingly. Or not amusingly, actually. But there's no great sense of release; no advisory responses, no commiseration - none of the human responses that help you when you're in an emotional crisis.

I used to not know who I was. For many years now, I've not had that problem - granted, I still don't really know what I want to do when I grow up, but I didn't feel centerless. I don't know if it's the depression that's grown over the structure that is "me" like kudzu, obscuring the lines and leaving only a shapeless mass that *might* be a person - or the stress - or, what the nasty voices in my head say: there was never anything there to begin with. While I know that's not true, dealing with it takes away precious (and scarce) emotional and mental energy that I desperately need for the REAL things that are going on.

I know that suicide isn't the answer. I couldn't do that to my children. Sometimes I think it'd be a blessing to my husband - he wouldn't be a single dad for long. But the emotional damage I'd probably do in bowing out like that would probably be pretty horrific. The part of me that knows he loves me doesn't want to do that to him. The part of me that knows he's tired of dealing with me wonders if he made a list of pros & cons at the moment, what he'd decide.

Lost

2010-03-28T10:14:00.002-04:00

So I sit here, falling apart. Kids are watching a movie. Got hung up on by my mom when I told her that I wasn't going to be at the hospital to take care of dad for another half an hour to an hour. Worried I'm drifting away; I spend most of my free time trying to escape reality. Reality and neurotic worries not letting me rest today. Recent nightmares join with old hurts and push me over the edge. I'm so tired. Difference between now & 12 years ago - I can see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm no longer worried that all there is for me is tunnel. However, I feel like I'm in a tunnel and out of control of my life. I'm living reactively, rather than proactively - letting other people and things control the speed of travelling through the tunnel. I'm losing myself. I think I have a path, a future - but how do I get there? Have I started? Am I going the right way? Or am I, as it seems so often, just treading water? My partner is living, learning - will I lose him? There's not much of me that's being shared, or worth sharing at the moment. Living in limbo, always waiting for something else to happen before I can do x, y or z. I think lately I've been looking for a house to buy because I'm desperately trying to find some aspect of my life that I control. Not doing a good job with my kids; they're almost always late to school, haven't been helping with homework or music practice; crappy at having lunches packed or making breakfast (or any meal), haven't been a good example of working around the house, haven't taken them outside enough. Just remembered I'm in a class; haven't done homework or read discussion board - completely forgot. At what point do I realize that I'm living now, and not waiting for some ineffable sign that my life has started? Will I always be this tired? Is it lack of sleep or depression? Or sleep apnea? Or laziness?

Very seldom do I drink myself to the point of unawareness. It's looking very attractive at the moment. I guess I'll do the next best thing, as I can't remove myself from my responsibilities today (too many other people need me for things for me to become incapacitated) I'll immerse myself in stupid facebook games and see if I can forget the things that are overwhelming me right now. Maybe meds will alter body chemistry enough for me to get control of the inside of my own head soon.

Another beginning of the month post

2010-03-01T15:39:00.003-05:00

I notice the last time I posted was February first. Coincidental; I'm not trying to do once-a-month posts or anything.

Had a lot of fun this weekend; J & I took the kids down to Orlando to see They Might Be Giants. (We dropped into Magic Kingdom & Epcot while we were down there.) I think what I enjoyed the most, actually, was getting to chat with my babu on the car ride home.

Days have been strange for me lately. Other than this weekend, my schedule typically consists of getting up, getting kids ready & taking them to school, then heading over to the hospital to take care of dad. In the afternoon, I pick up the kids early if they've got something to go to (ballet, gymnastics, music lessons) but otherwise they stay in afterschool until 5:30. Sometimes Dad sleeps a lot - like today - so it's been really quiet. I'm beginning to think I'm spending too much time alone - my office (not that I've seen it in a while) is quiet, with nobody around. Here in the hospital, if dad's not awake, it's quiet and nobody else is around. During the day in the hospital I'm supposed to be either working on schoolwork or work-work. Notice I say "SUPPOSED to be" *sigh* Have had horrible willpower lately.

Just got a call from my academic advisor - I'd asked if we could go ahead and push back the next class's start date, which is no problem - I'd also asked about double-majoring. She informed me that for a double major, I'd have to take about 10 more classes; for a minor I'd have to take about six more classes. Considering a master's degree would take about the same amount of time, it looks like it'd make more sense to just go ahead & finish my bachelor's degree as is and then go for a master's. (As evidently it doesn't matter if my undergraduate degree is unrelated to my master's degree subject.)

Five o'clock sneaks up faster and faster every day. Might as well shut down and pack up.

Never thought I'd miss working at Burger King

2010-02-01T09:38:00.003-05:00

It's times like this that I REALLY wish I had a walk-in freezer. You can scream as loud as you like in a walk-in freezer and nobody really hears you. It's a great way to let off stress. Isn't there a branch of psychology that does something called primal scream therapy?

Looking for pharmaceuticals

2010-02-01T09:35:00.002-05:00

Okay, these 16-20 hour days are getting really, REALLY old. I can't quit just yet. Anybody have any ritalin? Or provigil? Or speed? Or something? I'm not sure I can manage without some chemical help at this point.

ugh.

2010-01-22T04:31:00.000-05:00

Next time I think wistfully of rememberingy dreams, remind me of last night. Not only did I have a nightmare about my father-in-law cutting my son out of his will for something stupid & unreasonable, I also had a nightmare about an old ex-friend wherein we discussed what was going through her head during the time she was completely screwing me over.

I wish I could get rid of this headache. *sigh*

Great.

2010-01-07T05:58:00.002-05:00

Okay, I'm going to try to reframe my thinking. The stupid little voice inside my head that colors everything grey was bitching that this morning had started off GREAT (/sarcasm) and instead, I'm going to concentrate on the good stuff.

I had a lovely shower, and conditioned my hair. (When you have this much hair, that's an event.) I'm going to try drinking the knox gelatin trick to strengthening hair & nails - it evidently worked for my grandmother's employer. Oven is preheating so I can make the biscuits, and then I just need to warm up the gravy. The kids' clothes are clean, and I think I even know where two matching sets of socks are. My pants are in the dryer, and my shirt just came out of the dryer.

Oh, there's the oven. Be right back.

Okay, so, biscuits are in the oven. My laptop isn't packed (obviously, as I'm typing on it) and I haven't got lotion on (winter dries out my skin terribly) but I can't see in the dark in the bedroom where my laptop bag & the lotion is, and I'm not ready to wake everybody else up yet.

I get to go back to work today - it'll be nice to make some money for a change. Kids go back to school, which I think is good for both them and me. My class has started, but my book's not arrived yet, so I'm not sure how that's going to work out. Hopefully my professor will be accommodating.

Hrm, wait, getting somewhat negative again... okay, thinking of the positive: the smoke alarm didn't go off when I opened the oven door! I have a lunch in the freezer to take to work.

OH CRAP, that's what I needed to be doing: packing lunches. (#@*&$@(#*$&@(#*%&@$

Thank goodness school starts tomorrow

2010-01-06T17:10:00.003-05:00

I love my kids. Really, I do. And I would step in front of a bus to save them. But right now, I'd love for them to take a month's vacation somewhere without me.

My son has sadly inherited my temper. For reasons unknown to me, I'm also usually the only one on the receiving end of his tantrums. Some days I handle it better than others. Being constantly tested is wearing me down, however. I know he's intelligent, and I'm glad, but I'm getting tired.

I've checked out of almost everything in my life right now - have withdrawn back somewhat to the limits of what absolutely has to be done for survival. Am slowly trying to pick up the spinning plates that I used to have going, but I have to confess - I don't have the heart for it. I guess it's the depression, but part of my problem with getting all the plates spinning again is that I just really don't want to. I'm tired of my life, I want a different one. Anywhere take trade-ins?

And yet, in all this, don't think that I'm not grateful for everything I have. My husband, altho he's currently working too hard, is a wonderful man and the best partner I could ever ask for. My kids are healthy, and frequently nice. The federal program that pays for my position was renewed, so I still have a job. Work is also paying for me to get some sort of Microsoft certification (that may or may not be worth anything, but hey). My car still runs, I still have a place to live, and there's plenty of food in the pantry and fridge. My parents live in town, so we can help each other out. I have a few good friends, but I don't see them very often.

Right now the kids & I are doing the pomodoro method & trying to get this filthy cluttered apartment cleaned up some. I've got three more minutes to play, and then it's back to work. It worked pretty well yesterday.

Today, not as much.

With the extension of the $8000 tax credit to buy a house, I've been haphazardly looking for a place. I decided if we're going to go through the trouble of buying a house, it'll have to be worth it. At least 4 bedrooms. I found a place that I think we'd all really like - 5/3, on 3/4 of an acre, and affordable - only drawback? It's a 'manufactured home' and therefore hard as hell to finance.

I still need to sit down and write out the pros & cons of buying a trailer - you typically don't get equity, but we're renting now and not getting equity, so what the hell. It's a hell of a lot of space, too - over 2100 sq ft. We'd end up owning the property... I don't know. Part of me just wants to throw my hands up and go hide in the closet. That's probably why I'm sitting in front of the fire doing stupid shit on facebook with farms and islands and animals - hooray for avoidance.

Many hours later...

Okay, house still not anywhere near clean. Kids showered, teeth brush, girl lotioned & hair braided and both in bed - we'll see if they stay there. My wonderful awesome one of a kind irreplaceable husband is home (WOOHOO!) so I'm gone.

like walking into a place you lived long ago...

2009-12-22T01:56:00.002-05:00

Between Facebook and Twitter, and my general insanity, I've not been here. Had nothing to say really that deserved an actual full blog post.

However, have been reading an acquaintance's blog, which in a roundabout way reminded me of mine. Since it's 2am and I'm neurotically wide awake, I figured I might as well babble somewhere and try to get control of the voices in my head. (No, I don't *really* hear voices; you know what I mean.)

I have to say, however, that typing this with one thumb on cellphone is reducing my desire to babble. I've finally gotten warm, so it's really not worth getting out from under the snug blankets to get the laptop.

I'll probably write more tomorrow. Later today. Whatever.

Up to a point, this evening was incredible. I hate the inside of my head.

Actually spoken in the course of my day

2009-09-04T01:15:00.002-04:00

"I forgot he went to bed with wet hair - his hair's all Stewart Copeland, 1982"

Long day, weird evening, don't think I'll sleep yet...

2009-07-07T00:04:00.002-04:00

So, at some point after 10pm the phone at my parents' house rings - it's my mother. She's calling from her hospital room to ask me to call the nurses' station, because her iv is occluded and needs to be reset, and the nurse call button isn't in reach and without the iv she can't get her pain meds.

I call the nurses' station, and am gratified to hear the woman say "Oh, no! I'll go down there right away!" Try to call mom back - and realize that the hospital blocks calls to patient rooms that late. Call the nurses' station back, and tell a new person what just happened, and that I tried to call mom back to tell her I'd talked to you guys, but of course couldn't get through, and could she please pass the message along to mom for her to call me if she felt like it or needed anything? Am less reassured by the tone of voice this response is given to me in.

About 30 minutes later, my cellphone rings - it's a family friend, who says "Is your mom okay? She just called me, and said 'Did I wake you up?' and when I said no, she asked if I could come to the hospital for a little while, and I said um, well, yeah... and your mom said "Are you sick?" and I say well, yeah, have been on & off for several days - then your mom says 'okay, nevermind, don't worry about it' and hangs up! Do you know what's going on?" Told her about call re: iv, say I'll call hospital & talk to nurses & mom and make sure everything is okay.

Call nurses' station; say "my mother just tried to call me but I missed the call, and of course I can't return the call to her - how can I get in touch with her to find out what she needed?" Nurse says "Well, would you like me to unblock her line?" I said yes, please! Nurse says okay, hold on - comes back a few moments later and says okay, let me transfer you. Couple seconds later she picks back up and says well, it's busy - let me go and make sure; maybe she's left it off the hook.... comes back in a little while, and says okay, here you go, and transfers me through.

Mom, love her though I do, is a rotten patient. I think part of it is because she's a bit of a control freak, and part of it is because she never got babied much (by either her parents or my father) so she likes to be taken care of. Admittedly, this was pretty major surgery, and she has 10 holes in her (one really big, rest small), and she has every right in the world to feel like crap. She's also in the post-anesthesia haze, and called the friend because she said she couldn't remember any other numbers. (I think at that point she'd already forgotten that she called me.) She's freaking out a little, and I think is a little confused, and is alone, and feels like shit (poor woman, she's had a nasogastric tube in since yesterday at 8pm, I can't imagine). I'd forgotten what she was like right after surgery; I was hoping she'd be mostly out of it and very groggy.

So I'm at my parents' house, because dad just got out of the rehab hospital a week or so ago, and isn't strong enough to be left alone; my kids are here with me, and as I can't be in two places at once, I am now in the very interesting mental place: feeling guilty that I can't be there to help mom out, and feeling relieved that I can't be there to help mom out.

How did it get to be 2:30am? I wonder if I'm going to be able to sleep on the loveseat, or if I should just go ahead and move to the recliner now...

This morning was entertaining. 6:30ish - little boy wakes up, climbs onto loveseat with me. Not really enough room, I eventually get off and move to recliner. Ten after 7, my cellphone rings - it's my aunt's caretaker; her car has broken down and she's not going to be there today. A little after 8 I give my husband a wake-up call, and dad is already out in the living room - he tells me to lie back down, he's in no hurry for breakfast. I can't go back to sleep anyway, so I get up and start making breakfast. While I'm making breakfast, I call my doctor's office to see if I could drop by today - I've evidently torn something in my calf (probably the soleus muscle) and while the hand-sized bruise has started to go away, stairs suck and by the end of the day even walking is difficult. It almost feels like I'm re-ripping something with every step at that point. They say sure, can you be here at 8:30? I look at clock, it's a little after 8, and say sure. I run out the door in an effing deluge; the sky is falling - go to doc's office (with no history of blood clots, he doesn't think it's a blood clot - if it's the soleus muscle, it could take 6-8 weeks to heal; if it doesn't start feeling at least a little better in the next two weeks though, come back and we'll take a closer look with an MRI. I say thanks, pay, run out, get my aunt breakfast & run by her apartment - give her food & meds and run back to parents' house. Stay there working on stupid grant (that I should have finished last week) until friend comes for dad, J takes the kids and I throw on clean underwear and a clean shirt that luckily are at my parents' house and run like hell to the hospital to see mom before she's taken down for surgery.

I missed her by less than 5 minutes.

Why am I avoiding sleep?

This is nuts. Am going to try to sleep. Wish me luck.

Well, let's see how this goes over with the professor...

2009-07-02T03:02:00.007-04:00

I'm currently in my second online class, SOC 402: Contemporary Social Problems & The Workplace.

Our assignment for week one: "Summarize your views on how a specific contemporary social problem is having an impact on your workplace or on workplaces known to you. Identify the problem, and describe what you see as the causes, impacts, and possible solutions to the problem. Respond to at least two of your fellow students’ postings."

Second post on the discussion board? This:

As I ponder what to write I ask myself is this really a social problem or personal. As I ponder this I come to the conclusion that this is a social problem. To start with I will make this statement. Our nation is founded upon the beliefs in God, more specifically Jesus Christ and the values that are built within these beliefs. For decades it was normal for everyone to go to church. You would be scrutinized if you missed too many times. Also divorce was nearly unheard of. Sex was in the confines of a marriage period. Of course there have always been and always will have people that seek sex outside the marriage, either premarital sex or extramarital sex. Being a pastor was considered a high calling in life and pastors were held with a certain amount of respect.
The problems that we face begin with our nation losing site of God. A Christian can no longer stand up for their belief without being called a bigot or racists. A Christian speaking out against homosexuality is becoming a hate crime. As a Christian I cannot protest against abortion. I cannot bring Christ into a school with me but you can talk about evolution and other religions all you want.
Our constitution has statements that guaranty certain rights. Our Bill of Rights Amendment I states:
Amendment I
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. (para, 10)
I do not condone forcing any religion on any one person. However, it is against the Bill of Rights to prohibit me, or any other Christian, from speaking out about our faith and beliefs in what is clearly right and wrong. When society imposes a certain set of beliefs on its citizens you begin to have break downs.
Refernces
The Charters Of Freedom, (para, 10) Retrieved July 1, 2009, from
http://www.archives.gov/exhibits/charters/bill_of_rights_transcript.html
Thank you and I hope I didn’t offend anyone:
God Bless,

Well, here is my response:

Allow me to point out the fallacies in your argument:

Fallacy of Authority:

You state "Our nation is founded upon the beliefs in God, more specifically Jesus Christ and the values that are built within these beliefs."

The primary leaders of the founding fathers were not what you would call Christians, they were Deists. Jefferson, in his day, was considered an infidel by the clergy. Jefferson wrote his own version of the gospel, which eliminated all miracles attributed to Jesus and ended with his burial - it contained no resurrection. (You may purchase it at Amazon here if you'd like to read it: http://tinyurl.com/mvn2n9) His letter to Adams on April 11, 1823 is very instructive (you may read the full text here:http://www.stephenjaygould.org/ctrl/jefferson_adams.html), here is one statement from it: "And the day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the supreme being as his father in the womb of a virgin will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter."

Other founding fathers are discussed on this webpage, which does cite some sources of quotes for your further examination: http://tinyurl.com/ammte

You state "For decades it was normal for everyone to go to church. You would be scrutinized if you missed too many times."

I am unsure what decades you are talking about. As your preceding sentence was about the founding of our country, here is some information about church-going during that period of time:
"Not only were a good many of the revolutionary leaders more deist than Christian, but the actual number of church members was rather small. Perhaps as few as five percent of the populace were church members in 1776" (Schools They Haven't Got a Prayer, Elgin, Illinois David C. Cook Publishing, 1982, p. 81)
and:
"perhaps as many as ninety percent of the Americans were unchurched in 1790"
"mid-eighteenth century America had a smaller proportion of church members than any other nation in Christendom,"
"in 1800 [only] about one of every fifteen Americans was a church member"
(Anti-Intellectualism in American Life, New York Alfred A. Knopf, 1974, p. 82, 89)

There have been more recent decades where going to church was much more common, of course. However, if your point is that it was a cultural thing that we used to do but don't do anymore, which is bad, I can point out a myriad of cultural things that we used to do that we don't do anymore (or at least don't tolerate as "normal"), thank god: slavery, child abuse, wife abuse, lynching... just because the majority at one point did something, does not make that something good, please keep in mind. For example, a recent survey by the Pew Research Center found that the more often Americans go to church, the more likely they are to support torture of suspected terrorists. (the CNN article about it is here:http://tinyurl.com/ch54u3) That doesn't sound like a particularly good correlation, you know?

You state: "Also divorce was nearly unheard of."
In the colonies, divorce was expressly forbidden by England. "Once America gained its independence, the petitions for divorce greatly increased" In South Carolina, for example, divorce was only legal briefly from 1868 to 1895, and then wasn't legal again until 1949.

In fact, marriage wasn't even religious in some places! "Early New England regulations ordered that civil magistrates perform all marriages (instead of ministers), because they adopted the Protestant belief that marriage was a civil contract, not a sacrament."

Both above quotes from:
A history of divorce and remarriage in the United States. Claudia W. Strow, Brian K. Strow. Humanomics. Patrington: 2006. Vol. 22, Iss. 4; pg. 239 (There's some interesting stuff in there, it's available on ProQuest if you'd like to read it.)

I won't deny that the amount of divorce has gone up through the centuries, but I think attributing it to society "losing sight" of God is too simplistic by far.

And for the one response I saw before I started writing this, wherein the statement "I don't understand taking the god off the coins and the pledge of allegiance out of school", here is some information for you:
"under God," did not appear in the Pledge of Allegiance until 1954, when Congress put them in.
"In God We Trust" wasn't on paper currency prior to 1956. It had appeared on coins off and on, along with phrases like "Mind Your Business." The original U.S. motto is E Pluribus Unum ("Of Many, One") - which is not religious. The motto was changed in 1956 by Congress & approved by Eisenhower making "In God We Trust" the official motto. So the history of these two things are relatively short overall.

Fallacy of Dramatic Instance:

You state "A Christian speaking out against homosexuality is becoming a hate crime."

I assume you are referring to the amendment to include sexual orientation in the list of protected people under the very limited hate crime law of 1969.

The 1969 law covered crimes motivated by race, color, national origin, and religion (so Christians are protected, please note) but only applies if the victim is engaged in one of six federally protected activities (like voting, interstate commerce, etc.), and then only if the perpetrator is found guilty of the crime and it can be shown that the crime was motivated by a hatred of the victim's race, color, religion, ethnicity, or national origin.

The proposed law extends coverage to gender, sexual orientation, sexual identity, and disability.

Now, there is legitimate differences of opinion on whether there should even be a hate crime law, but as the law stands right now, only some people are protected by the hate crime law, and some are not - which is not in keeping with the American tradition of equal treatment. (Or at least the intention of America to treat people equally; our practice has had its faults.)

The other misconception is that by speaking out against homosexuality you could be judged guilty of committing a hate crime. The hate crime bill ONLY APPLIES IN THOSE CASES INVOLVING A CRIME OF VIOLENCE. Your speech IS protected by the First Amendment; you can say whatever you like. The only possible way I can see your speech could get you into trouble in regards to this hate crime law (keeping in mind I'm not a lawyer) is if you do the equivalent of yelling "fire" in a crowded theatre: if you stand up in front of a group of people, and start yelling about how God hates homosexuals, and they should all be eradicated from the earth, and then one of the people listening to you goes off and starts eradicating homosexuals from the earth, there might be some possibility that you could be held at least partially legally liable. (In my view, you would certainly be morally partially liable.)

For further reading and information about the hate crime laws, this website has some good information, with sources cited: http://tinyurl.com/mlfuf7

You state "As a Christian I cannot protest against abortion." - I have no idea where this idea came from. Protests are protected speech, like any other speech. I'm not crazy about the more recent "Free Speech Zones" but even those allow protest, they just allow the government to control time/place/manner.

You state: "I cannot bring Christ into a school with me but you can talk about evolution and other religions all you want."

Well, if the class is a class about religion, i.e. 'comparative religions' or 'religions of the world' or even 'Christian Tradition' and 'Gospel of Matthew' (those last three are classes taught at my local university) - then sure, bring as much information about Christ and your beliefs as you want.

Evolution is a scientific theory. Scientific theories do not address the existence of God; it is a completely different sphere. Complaining that you cannot bring Christ into a science class is like complaining that you can't dissect a pig in your english class. They have nothing to do with each other. You are welcome to believe whatever you like about how the universe was created.

Finally, you state that you do not condone forcing any religion on any one person. I agree. How offensive would it be to you if before every football game at your local college stadium, I stood up and praised Brahma, Visnu and Shiva for giving us this glorious day to play sports together? How would you feel if every day at school you, as a Christian, had to stand up and say "... one nation, under Satan, indivisible..." before class started? How would you feel if on the coins of the United States it said "In Yu-huang We Trust"? Because there are Hindus, and Satanists, and Taoists in the United States, and they are just as much citizens as you are.

Just so you know, I am not offended.

So, what do you think?

*******************************************************
His response:

Ceara, thank you for your response, but I will state as a fact our nation was indeed founded upon God. Here are some links to further support my statements.

http://www.biblestudy.org/basicart/was-united-states-founded-as-non-religious-nation.html

Was America organized and founded as a strictly secular (non-religious) nation? Not according to each state's constitution! All 50 states in the United States acknowledge God in their constitutions:

Alabama 1901, Preamble. We the people of the State of Alabama ... invoking the favor and guidance of Almighty God, do ordain and establish the following Constitution ...

Alaska 1956, Preamble. We, the people of Alaska, grateful to God and to those who founded our nation and pioneered this great land ...

Arizona 1911, Preamble. We, the people of the State of Arizona, grateful to Almighty God for our liberties, do ordain this Constitution ...

Arkansas 1874, Preamble. We, the people of the State of Arkansas, grateful to Almighty God for the privilege of choosing our own form of government ...

California 1879, Preamble. We, the People of the State of California, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom ...

Colorado 1876, Preamble. We, the people of Colorado, with profound reverence for the Supreme Ruler of Universe ...

Connecticut 1818, Preamble. The People of Connecticut, acknowledging with gratitude the good Providence of God in permitting them to enjoy ...

Delaware 1897, Preamble. Through Divine Goodness all men have, by nature, the rights of worshipping and serving their Creator according to the dictates of their consciences ...

Florida 1885, Preamble. We, the people of the State of Florida, grateful to Almighty God for our constitutional liberty ... establish this Constitution ...

Georgia 1777, Preamble. We, the people of Georgia, relying upon protection and guidance of Almighty God, do ordain and establish this Constitution ...

http://www.afn.org/~govern/Christian_Nation.html

Recently, many authors have debated whether or not the United States of America was founded as a Christian nation. I wish to provide a few historical quotes from our Founding Era that lend credence to the supposition that we indeed were founded as a Christian nation.

Granted, God is not mentioned in the Constitution, but He is mentioned in every major document leading up to the final wording of the Constitution. For example, Connecticut is still known as the "Constitution State" because its colonial constitution was used as a model for the United States Constitution. Its first words were: "For as much as it has pleased the almighty God by the wise disposition of His Divine Providence…"

Most of the fifty-five Founding Fathers who worked on the Constitution were members of orthodox Christian churches and many were even evangelical Christians. The first official act in the First Continental Congress was to open in Christian prayer, which ended in these words: "...the merits of Jesus Christ, Thy Son, our Savior. Amen". Sounds Christian to me.

Ben Franklin, at the Constitutional Convention, said: "...God governs in the affairs of men. And if a sparrow cannot fall to the ground without His notice is it probable that an empire can rise without His aid?"

John Adams stated so eloquently during this period of time that; "The general principles on which the fathers achieved Independence were ... the general principles of Christianity ... I will avow that I then believed, and now believe, that the general principles of Christianity are as etemal and immutable as the existence and attributes of God."

I will concede there is just as much information stating that our nation was not founded upon God. Maybe a better term is that our forefathers and a strong majority were Christians.

As for divorce rates, It has increased dramatically since the mid 1900’s. Prior to that time it was not acceptable to get a divorce in societies eyes, why, because of the majority’s faith in God. The Scriptures teach us that it is not favorable to divorce.

When I went to School I was allowed to bring my Bible with me to class and leave it sitting on my desk. When I had free time I could read it. Today I would be expelled from school should I even bring it through the doors.

About your comment on prayers, do you watch NASCAR? Also why does congress open with prayer? If we are not founded upon God why does our government begin just about everything it does with prayer, or at least use to? As with everything discussed we both could go on and on but I do not see a need to continue.

All men, people, are created equal. So why do we have minorities? You stated I have listed fallacies in my post. We are all free to have our opinions and it is my opinion that these are not fallacies but a true statement of our society today. As a Christian I am discriminated against.

Thank you for your thoughts, comments, and opinions.

God Bless,

And his response to the other commenter:

Maria, thank you for your reply, I agree with what you said. Ceara commented on the pledge of Allegiance and about “In God We Trust.” She is right about when they were entered. My reply is that at one point it was added. The question is why, which no one wants to ask. The answer is simple; we are a nation that was founded upon God. Most people in our nation, at one time anyway, are or were Christians. We placed such an importance in God that we included him in all we did. Now that people are falling away they do not want to be reminded of our foundations…

God Bless,

So, not surprising. I must confess it irritated me, however.

omgwtfbbq

2009-05-23T22:37:00.002-04:00

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

What is it about family? Jeez, I'm tired of this crap.

STOP THE RIDE I WANNA GET OFF

2009-05-10T18:17:00.009-04:00

It's days like today that make me very, very glad that I had a conversation with my doctor a little while back wherein we upped my anti-depressant dosage.

Yesterday I had to fire one of the the CNAs that has been taking care of my terminal aunt. She didn't show up at 8 when she was supposed to - never actually showed up at all. This is after several times of her being over an hour late, or not showing up - ooo, or there's the day the guy she's living with called to tell my aunt she'd been drinking, that was fun... This means I have nobody to cover Saturday & Sunday day shift, which means 9 times out of 10, I'll be doing it. If you know a CNA or caretaker with experience taking care of the elderly, I have a bed-bound elderly congestive heart failure morbidly obese woman for them to take care of. Hourly rate negotiable.

Tuesday I have a "monitoring" at work. I have a box of documentation that I have to put together - that incidentally took them a month to do last time, and I was given 2 weeks - and then somehow get that box to the monitoring people, who are not physically there. I believe I read somewhere that we should fax things. If that's the case, I will be sitting at the fax machine for hours. No exaggeration. So I'm trying to get an all-in-one printer/scanner/copier that I found in a back room working, so hopefully I can SCAN everything and send it to them. (It'll still take hours.) We're being monitored, and the outcome of this monitoring will affect whether or not we get our grant next year.

Day before yesterday, I think it was, Obama released the details of his budget. My mother called me at work, in the middle of a meeting with my team members about getting things together for this monitoring. She told me that the federal grant project that I work under has been completely eliminated, because the data says that it doesn't work. I'm not sure which is more depressing - looking at the possibility of no job in 2010, or knowing that the data shows that what we're doing is useless. (Granted, I'm sure that means overall, country-wide - who knows, maybe in our county we actually DO make a difference. I can hope.)

So all this stress, all this work, may be ultimately pointless. We have to write a brand new grant next year anyway, and evidently we're still going to do that, even though the project may cease to exist.

I hate doing pointless shit. It bothers me on a core level.

That's one of the main reasons that I never finished college, I think. I hate filling out paperwork. It gives me borderline anxiety attacks.

But, I finally got off my ass, filled out the FAFSA, the application for a Stafford loan, and I'm going back to school to finish my bachelors degree. Online, of course - there's no way schedule wise I could actually go sit in a class. School starts Tuesday. Yes, the same Tuesday as my work deadline. Sadly, my books have not yet arrived, and the pdf files of the first couple of chapters (that they kindly provide in case your books haven't arrived yet) for whatever reason will not open on my computer. I've not had a chance to ask tech support if the files are indeed damaged, which is what it says when I try to open them.

The other major paperwork that I filled out/have been filling out is all the stuff for my aunt's long term care insurance. I got the phone call yesterday from her (that I avoided, btw, it went to my voicemail) that they're sending the "4th and final" copy of a form that they evidently need filled out. I thought I already had. Who the fuck knows; I'm going to have to do it AGAIN and send it return receipt mail. Mom has already paid out more than a thousand dollars to these caretakers, and if she doesn't get reimbursed, life is going to suck.

I've ended up in the hospital with both my parents, on separate days, in the last month. Dad you already know about. That night ended with me unlocking the back door & letting them into their house, and also by showering dad & getting him into bed - something mom couldn't have done on her own, so I'm glad I was there.

One of the reasons mom couldn't have done it herself is because she has a hernia. A massive one. It goes at least halfway across her abdomen. This will be the {counts in my head} 4th? 5th? hernia. The first 3 she had surgery for. The fourth surgery was to take care of the grapefruit sized seroma that had formed. While the doctor was in taking care of that one, he discovered that all the mesh he had put in to hold her together in the first three surgeries hadn't adhered the way they were supposed to, and were basically just curled up and useless, so he had to get those out before they caused a problem. When mom developed this last one, he said to wait and watch - unless it caused a problem, we'd leave it alone.

Well, I ended up in the emergency room with her on Cinco de Mayo - up until then, when she felt stuff pushing out, she could push it back in. Except now she couldn't get it pushed back in. And it hurt. A lot. And she started throwing up. All signs point to: strangulated hernia. So she's lying on her bed, having just thrown up, and says she's really cold, so I pull the blanket over her (thinking to myself hrm, fever... not good) and ask her why she hadn't been getting dressed to go to the ER while I was on my way over. She wasn't sure she should go. I had to call her insurance's urgent care facility, to verify that they didn't have the equipment necessary to diagnose a strangulated hernia, before she'd agree to go to the hospital. So while we're in the waiting room, it pops back in. We got a doctor who was very surprised at our level of education and understanding (I didn't bother mentioning that I used to be a pre-med major) checked her out and said yeah, you're probably right, call your surgeon in the morning and talk to him about what to do next. We were in and out of the emergency room in - are you sitting down? - THREE HOURS. It's a fucking record.

While all this in my life is going on, my palm Centro (that I love to pieces) has had all it's data wiped (I was trying to do an OS update, it was acting squirrelly) and my iPod had started malfunctioning too. So I don't have any of my contacts with me anymore. Makes it hard to call caretakers to take care of my aunt, or anything else, really.

Two weeks ago I got the kids up to get them dressed & take them to school early, because I had a meeting at work at 8:30am (that _I_ had called), and my son (who is almost 5) is in almost screaming hysterics saying his penis hurts, and he won't let me look. He had said the day before that when his pee came out it felt REALLY hot, and I asked J about it when I got home that night (first thing in my mind was urinary tract infection) but he said sometimes it feels really hot coming out, it's not a big deal. Well, after that morning, it had become a big deal. So I take my daughter to school. I park and walk her in, and while I'm walking back to my car, my aunt calls - the caretaker who was supposed to be there at 8 hadn't shown up yet, and it was 8:30 or 8:45 already. So I called the caretaker, and she said that she'd had to talk to her son's teachers, and was running late, but was on her way. When I get back to my car, it won't start. I have to go back inside and ask if anybody can jump my car off - I have cables. Once I get it jumped, I head to the doctor's office. As I'm pulling into the driveway, the caretaker calls again. She says that there are problems with her son, and she won't be able to make it at all today. It's now about 9am. So I park the car, and go inside, trying to figure out how to get my aunt taken care of while I'm in the doctor's office with my son. I just walked in with no appointment, and they were amazingly kind and fit me in really quickly. The woman behind the desk saw my face and asked me if I needed a hug - I said at this point, I probably needed a tranquilizer. Sure enough, it was a UTI, and they gave me a prescription for antibiotics. Guess what happened when I went to leave? Yup, car wouldn't start. Had to walk back into the doctor's office again (about to completely lose it at this point) and ask if anybody there could jump my car off. At this point my memory is fuzzy - I think I went to go take care of my aunt, but I'm really not sure. I think I got to work around noon.

I still haven't gotten a new battery (or checked the water in mine, maybe I'll remember to go do that in ten minutes when I take a break from work) but fortunately I have a portable battery jumper thing. I think the most I've ever had to jump start the car is 3 times in one day.

I'm tired.

Today my son's behaviour was so atrocious (and his sister's only marginally better) that both J & I completely lost our temper. When they refused to clean up their room, J & I did it for them - anything that was on the floor went either into the trash, or into a box for goodwill. The hysterics THAT engendered was exhausting. More exhausting for me is knowing that a large part of the reason why they (especially he) is acting this way is because they're stressed out, because I'm stressed out, and haven't spent nearly as much time with them as I should have. And J's had a massive deadline at work too, and then last week it was like murphy's law decided to beat him up - all kinds of shit broke at his office. So he's been busy, and working god knows how many hours a week.

So I've been depressed anyway, feeling guilty, feeling tired, feeling ANGRY, because I'm tired of having to do all this. I'm tired of being an only child with older parents. I'm tired of being my aunt's only younger relative that is in any way responsible enough or sane enough to take care of her. (I have two cousins in California - one is in jail, and her two children are being raised by my uncle & his wife, and the other has gotten in and out of trouble for years, and I'm not even sure where she is now.) I love my kids to death, but I'm not a good mother, and they deserve better. J has to wake up every day, never knowing if I'm going to be a competent, helpful, loving partner, or a fucking basket case that drains all his energy and requires him to basically be a single parent. Worse than a single parent, because he has to deal with me, too. (Those times haven't been as frequent lately, thank god.)

So, like I said, it's a good thing that about a month or so ago I went to my doctor, concerned about my memory loss, and had my anti-depressant dose updated. Because I'd probably be at commit-me level of insanity right now otherwise.

*UPDATE*
That steak cheese & mushroom sub from hungry howie's that I just finished has been the best thing that's happened this weekend. My husband is awesome.

Crashing

2009-04-25T19:04:00.002-04:00

Well, that good mood and cheerful outlook on life got beat up pretty quickly.

I remembered one of the main reasons I hadn't finished college.

I hate filling out forms.

Bureaucratic hoops that I have to jump through make me anxious and cranky.

Add to that the phone call from my aunt I just got - the caretaker who works nights just didn't show up tonight. We're not sure if she didn't realize she worked Saturday & Sunday (because I can't remember if that was brought up or not) or what, and so far we've not been able to get a hold of her. The MORNING nurse was an hour and a half late, and when my aunt pointed out that she'd not had anything to drink or eat, and that she is basically helpless if there's nobody there, the nurse got all pissy and said well, do you want me to leave? If I don't come, I don't get paid. (Implying that that was the only consideration.) So the hell with her, I'll find somebody else. After the phone call from the guy she was living with who said she'd been drinking (?!) before she showed up one day, and the other time or two she came late, and the attitude - I'm tired of it.

So I'm headed over to my aunt's apartment. She's getting on her bedside commode and will need her ass wiped.

Then I'm going to come home and take a long, wonderfully scented, bubbly shower.

If anybody would like to take me out for drinks afterwards, call me.

*sigh*

The previous post was a wonderful example of irony.

2009-04-24T22:56:00.001-04:00

Entitled "Speechless" and INCREDIBLY WORDY.

No, I didn't do it on purpose.

Speechless

2009-04-24T19:52:00.003-04:00

So much has happened lately. Both personally and nationally.

The United States tortures. While this doesn't exactly surprise me, it does make me feel ill. What makes me well and truly angry are the people who defend it as being worthwhile because of the intelligence we got as a result. I've got a response for them: THE END DOES NOT JUSTIFY THE MEANS.

I won't talk about that more because I honestly can't handle it yet. I get too upset.

Personally, it's been interesting.

My aunt hasn't kicked the bucket yet. And as of yesterday, she's in the infamous "doughnut hole" so all her prescriptions are now totally out of pocket. Which means that the almost $300 a month anti-depressant is not going to work; I get to talk to her doctor and see if we can go back to her previous medications (which costs less). This conversation is going to include him saying that ritalin is a stimulant, and that somebody with congestive heart failure shouldn't be taking it - and I'm going to have to do the same thing I did with the provigil argument: it's a quality of life issue, if she doesn't have much longer left anyway, what the hell difference does it make?

Fortunately we've got most of the day covered by either CNAs or an experienced caretaker - when one of the original nurses had her day job schedule changed and suddenly was unable to be there, mom & I were it for evening shift. I'm glad we've found someone to cover that, because the stress of mommy not being there (and being tired & stressed when she WAS there) was beginning to show in the children.

I still get the occasional 2am "I've gotten out of bed to poop and now I can't get off the beside commode, can you come help me get back to bed?" call. For a little while there it was REALLY common and I'd decided if I was going to be a night-time toilet rescuer that I wanted a cape and an outfit, dammit.

On a flattering-but-kinda-weirds-me-out note, my father-in-law evidently thinks I'm awesome. I volunteered to answer phones one morning during this year's public radio pledge drive (I figure if I have no money to give, I can give time instead) and ironically when he called in, I was the one who answered the phone. So his challenge that he wanted read on the air? 'For all fathers or father-in-laws to show their appreciation for their daughters/in-laws who give back to the community.' He called me yesterday to tell me that one of the things he really likes about me is that I'm a nice daughter. When I laughed he clarified that by explaining that when my mother asks for something I help, rather than telling her that she's got to take care of it herself. I (and my husband, I'm sure) would argue that I err on the side of being a little TOO helpful, that sometimes I SHOULD tell my mother no, dammit, do it yourself - but I can't wrap my head around the idea of my family (or friends, either, actually) REALLY needing help, and not attempting to help somehow. The reason my father-in-law's admiration weirds me out so much is because he's historically been kinda rough on his children. When they were younger, anyway. He just retired, and the lack of stress seems to have changed his interaction with the world significantly (and for the better).

The other day my father fell in the bathroom and was rushed to the hospital. I'm so glad his next door neighbors were home - his "I've fallen and I can't get up" button calls her, mom, & me. She came right over and found him face down over the edge of the bathtub (thank god there was no water in it), and decided to call 911 so the experts could make sure there'd not been another stroke or somesuch. She couldn't move him. While she was outside waiting for the ambulance, the other neighbor - my chorus director, actually - happened to come out to get his mail, asked her if everything was okay, and when she said no & explained, he went in and picked dad up so he'd be upright. Dad was ragdoll-limp, and while he's not big, he's still a good 120lbs of deadweight - yes, my conductor is buff. He & his wife were there with the other neighbor until my mom got there and she & dad left for the hospital in the ambulance. The neighbors then very nicely locked the front door behind them. Unfortunately, they locked the bottom lock - which nobody has a key to. We all use the deadbolt above it. So when mom & dad got home from the hospital around 1:30am, they had to call me to go around to the back of the house to unlock the door and let them in.

Nothing is ever simple, you know?

Dad's diagnosis - he'd been feeling nauseated all day and hadn't eaten or drunk anything. He's had problems with being dizzy lately, and the combination of that, lack of food/water, and congestion reducing his oxygen input (he has COPD and emphysema), there's really no surprise he went over. So far the tests seem to say that everything is fine.

My awesome husband has started teaching me python. So far, it makes sense - I've not had a whole lot of spare brain cells to give it lately, unfortunately. I'm hoping I'll be able to retain at least a LITTLE of it! Work has been kinda nutty - I have a major deadline on the 30th, and two days ago found out that I have another major deadline on May 12th. The thing due on May 12th? Last time they had to do it at work it took them a month. I'm hoping that because I'm there now it will go faster. (Not to be smug or anything.) The OMGHAIRONFIREINEEDTHESENUMBERSBYTODAY that got thrown at me and 3 other people yesterday or the day before? Found out today 'Nevermind, finance department screwed up and we don't actually have any money to spend, don't need those numbers after all.'

*sigh*

On the bright side, at least I got my new laptop at work. The old one was making me absolutely crazy. This one? Muuuuuuuuuch faster.

The most exciting thing that's happened to me personally, though?

I'VE GONE BACK TO COLLEGE!!!

Registered today, and am now filling out all the financial aid paperwork. According to the advisor (I hope to god he's right and not blowing smoke) I should be totally covered. So I'm finally going to finish my bachelors degree. (online) Am currently aiming for "social science" - a history/polisci focus. So all that free time that I had (bwahahahahahahahahaha) I've now got something to do with! It was really cool that both friends I told today were not only incredibly excited as well, but they said if there was anything they could do to help me to just let them know.

I didn't get any pictures from my most recent facepainting adventures. It's just as well, because now that I have two classes to cover, holidays are slammed trying to get to everybody. Well, more than two classes, actually - not only do I have both of my kids' classes, but since I work at a school, I get the teachers there asking if I can do it for their classes too. This means the cheek art has gotten MUCH simpler - hearts on valentine's day, 4-leaf clovers on St. Patrick's day, and decorated eggs right before easter. Not much worth taking pictures of.

I was going to do facepainting for the March of Dimes walk, but the dress rehearsal for my choral concert was rescheduled and there was no way I could miss it. :( I felt really bad cancelling on them relatively last-minute - I hope they'll keep me in mind for their next event.

Speaking of that dress rehearsal? We were singing The Creation by Haydn. (In english, thank goodness - I've been too busy to try to do it in german.) It's about 2 hours long. Or more. And the soloists do quite a bit of singing without us, the chorus - so we have chairs to sit in. Now imagine this: about 200 people, sitting down in folding plastic & metal chairs. SQUUUEEEEAAK! You should have seen the look on my director's face. He's a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to his music. So here's me in a nutshell - the next dress rehearsal (we had two) I brought a can of WD40 and tried it on my chair. It seemed to work, so after rehearsal, I spent an hour on my knees spraying the 4 joints of almost all of 200 chairs. I couldn't get to all of them before the people in the church had taken them down & put them away, but I hit most of them! Yes, I'm a bit of a perfectionist, or obsessive-compulsive, or both, why do you ask? So when we're all standing there the next day warming up before the concert, we've not sat down yet, and I'm DYING to know if the chairs still squeak. We're about to go into the back so they can open the house, and I ask our assistant director (he's a PhD student, and very inspiring) if we can sit down & stand up because I want to know if it worked! (I think he did too.) So he gets everybody's attention and says "Okay, sit down everybody. (everybody sits) Okay, stand up. (everybody stands) If you notice a difference in how your chair sounds, thank her, she sprayed them all with WD40 yesterday." Everyone started applauding, and he made me stand up and take a bow.

I have had a very gratifying life lately. :)

Both my kids have gotten into a local charter school that looks REALLY COOL, and I'm really excited about it. It's not that far away from where we live, either, which is a bonus.

Babbling I am! I'm almost out of battery as well, so I'm going to quit now. I'm sure you now have heard more than you ever wanted to about the minutiae of my life, but it's been a while since I've written, and I'm out of practice.

Hope all is well with all of you out there in cyberspace!

The advantages of blogging

2009-04-08T12:51:00.002-04:00

I've not blogged in a long time. And ever since I started playing with Twitter & Facebook, any time I normally would have spent here has been frittered away elsewhere.

That being said, it's not possible to be quite as verbose as I'm used to on either one of those. And since here at the office most of my coworkers are on a different plane of existence, I've got to talk somewhere, to somebody, before I lose my ever-lovin mind.

I don't know how stay-at-home mothers do it. There are days like today, when J isn't available to chat online, when I'm so desperate to talk to a like-minded adult I could cry. There aren't a whole lot of like-minded adults out there that I know well, which is part of the problem. And those I do know - well, they have a life, and can't chat with me in the middle of the day. I am not the witty conversationalist of sparkling personality that I thought I was. *sigh*

So I've started looking into finishing college. As much as I'd like to actually BE IN a class (to meet other intelligent - or hopefully intelligent - human beings) the online route is probably going to have to do for right now. Considering how much time I spend talking to people online anyway, I won't even notice the difference. :)

Well, time to pack up and take a kid to gymnastics. After that, I'm sure there's a whole list of other things I have to do. I'm going to go take my second wellbutrin. Maybe that will help.

Please kill me before I get to this point

2009-03-14T14:41:00.004-04:00

I'm sitting here in the living room, listening to my aunt and whomever this friend is who's come over to do her nails. My aunt is in the process of making shit up to this woman. Which she does all the time. When my mother told me that the Hospice nurse had called her supervisor, who called mom, because my aunt had told the nurse that I wasn't giving her her medications, I managed to just cuss a lot rather than call my aunt up and ask her what the FUCK was wrong with her. Withholding her meds? What? ARGH!! (This was a week or so after mom had told me she'd overheard my aunt telling some of her friends that my husband and I were having marital problems. WTF?)

Heh. I'm throwing a monkey wrench in my aunt's bullshit by telling the woman who's here what REALLY happened about the hospital bed fiasco. (That's a whole 'nother story.)

She had a recent heart attack, and has congestive heart failure, and I think the doctor said 15% injection rate - so there's not much heart there. I doubt she'll live much longer - which will probably be a blessing for all concerned. I try not to feel guilty for saying that.

The thing that kinda bothers me is that this mental stuff, that's not new. She's always told one person one thing, and another person another thing... it's just that before, the people she was telling elaborate misinformation to didn't matter. Now she's telling the nurses & home health aids stuff that's not true, and when I ask her about something, she tells ME something that's not true.... I put together a "Medical Notes" page so the nurses etc. can WRITE DOWN notes about what's gone on when I'm not there - because my aunt is not able to be relied on. It gets very frustrating sometimes. Her grasp on reality, and her view of reality, have always been a bit... different. Nowadays it seems even more disconnected.

It doesn't help that she sees her sister (my mother) as the authority figure to be rebelled against. (At least that's what it seems like.) I told my mother - if the worst were to come to pass and her sister had to go and live with her, that I was leaving the state and getting an unlisted phone #.

Today's "what having older relatives means"

2009-02-07T13:21:00.001-05:00

Looking up congestive heart failure online.

We're so well matched

2009-02-04T19:34:00.002-05:00

So J & I are sitting here, and in the course of our conversation we wondered how many ex-presidents have ever been alive at the same time. Because I'm a curious sort of person, and a geek, I whipped out my laptop and opened up excel and made a spreadsheet.

So it turns out, the most ex-presidents that have ever been alive at the same time is five.
In 1862, Martin Van Buren (died July 24), John Tyler (died Jan 18), Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, & James Buchanan - Abraham Lincoln was president.

In 1994, Richard Nixon (died April 22), Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, & George H.W. Bush were alive - Bill Clinton was president.

From 2002-2004, Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, & Bill Clinton were alive - George W. Bush was president.

Now, if you wanted to know the year that the most were ALIVE, whether they'd been president yet or not... I went back to 1732 (the year Washington was born), but there was at most 18 men alive who either had been, were, or would be president. The last year there were 18 alive was 1845 - there were many years before that.

I am now watching the Adams miniseries with my husband. Doesn't get much better than this!

I found a designer I like!

2009-01-31T14:26:00.002-05:00

How bizarre. I've spent too much time in brain numbing net surfing.

I noticed that I liked several dresses on the red carpet that were designed by Elie Saab, so I went looking.

Not bad! Wonder if I can find some knock-offs?

Working from home

2009-01-30T17:20:00.002-05:00

Totally unrelated to anything going on in my life right now, this is something that's been bugging me.

I'm not allowed to take a hundred bucks (of my own money) and bet on the outcome of the Super Bowl (not legally, I mean) but Wall Street financial gurus are allowed to take millions of dollars (OTHER people's money) and bet that 'this' particular chunk of people are going to pay their mortgages?

I'm not generally accused of being too logical, but I do TRY, and this just is beyond me. I don't hear this talked about a lot, either, which makes me wonder. People just seem stunned; they don't understand where all the money has gone. Well, a good chunk of the money was NEVER REALLY THERE to begin with - so much of economics is based on psychology - what somebody THINKS something is worth, makes it worth that much, you know? The other half - it was gambling. The banks were gambling with your retirement money, your investment money, etc. They gambled and they LOST.

Anyway, I've discovered a problem with working at home. Aside from the fact that I feel like shit, and the kids feel like shit off & on (and are 4 and 6, so are doing their normal 4 & 6 stuff aside from illness) - the problem with working at home that I've never heard anybody warn me about? The fact that my cat thinks I'm the most comfortable bed in the house. When I'm not available, he'll frequently find my open laptop to lie on. Right now he's trying to manage to lie with his head on my hands while I'm typing.

I'm a lot better than I was two or three days ago, but I'm really tired and nauseated right now. Having a very hard time concentrating on these columns of numbers. :( Hopefully I'll have more success tonight after the kids are in bed.

It's 2am and my head hurts

2009-01-28T01:59:00.003-05:00

Bitch bitch whine.

Have spent the last thirty minutes or so perusing Red Carpet Fashions and I have to ask -

do they pick ugly models on purpose?
do they tell the models to put on that face - you know, it's either "I hate you all" or "this place smells" - I think I might have seen ONE smiling.

I already think it's insanely stupid to model your fashion on walking sticks when most of the population does not (and will never) look like that - aside from the fact that I just don't think women that are that skinny are attractive. At all. If I wanted to see bones, I'd go for my anatomy book. What's wonderful about women is their CURVES. Sexy, soft or strong, curves. Why hold up as a feminine ideal somebody who looks like a concentration camp survivor? (Not to belittle concentration camp victims, but you know what I mean. At least they didn't starve THEMSELVES out of some perverted ideal of beauty.)

I'm going to try to go to sleep now. If those two tylenol pm don't kick in soon, I'm gonna cry.

I should be working

2009-01-27T17:01:00.002-05:00

Right now, my head hurts too much to even think about looking at spreadsheets. I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything anyway. Sinus infection heading to bronchitis. (And my throat hurts too - can't really talk anymore. Difficult to be mom when you can't talk.)

I've been thinking several times as I'm driving around about things I'd like to post blog entries on, and yet, when I get home, there's always something else that takes away my attention.

Like now. 102° fever makes it hard for me to think. Brain slowly being cooked.

Hopefully, however, this post will remind me to post more often. So much to babble about lately!

Sitting inside on a rainy day

2008-08-22T14:13:00.002-04:00

A thought just occurred to me.

In all the kerfuffle about the McCains lying about how Mother Teresa herself implored Cindy to take two babies to America for medical treatment, I just realized - Cindy McCain brought TWO babies to the United States. One she adopted and is now Bridget McCain - whatever happened to the other one?

The strange thing about all this is the lie itself. Cindy McCain goes over there, one of the nuns 'persuades' her to take some kids home for medical treatment that they wouldn't be able to get locally, Cindy agrees. How does lying about it being Mother Teresa herself asking you make you look better? I mean, the nun has to persuade you to take this poor child for medical treatment when you're a multi-millionaire - the idea didn't occur to you on your own to use your money to help these less fortunate, you had to be 'persuaded'? Good for you for bringing them to the US, good for you for adopting one. You have 7 houses (two more that other people live in) - you could have paid for a thousand children to be adopted by other people around the world who want children. Don't expect too much in the way of acclaim. A quote from one of my favorite movies: "You have been born to privilege, and with that comes specific obligations."

heading out to get my prescriptions

2008-07-02T12:38:00.000-04:00

This is the reason I got the prescription for xanax, or whatever it is.

http://thinkprogress.org/2008/07/02/hitchens-after-being-waterboarded-believe-me-its-torture/

I'm finishing up reading this article, and my three year old son came in, and asked me (pointing at the picture) "Who's that?"

I said "That's a reporter... experiencing being... waterboarded."

And then it hit me, and I started to cry.

THIS is the country that I am bringing up my son in. A country that does this to people.

A good rule of thumb:

2008-06-30T13:23:00.001-04:00

If you have to preface your statement with "It's none of my business, but" then IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Don't even say it.

AAAARRRRRGGGGHHH

Surrounded by children

2008-06-28T15:54:00.003-04:00

Am sitting here in the living room.

Which is now cleaned out and cleaned up and not stacked chest high with stuff anymore, by the way. Thank you, darling husband.

Listening to mom & dad in the kitchen.

Dad was looking in the meat compartment. Bitching out loud to himself, as usual. (Usually it's yelling at the television - yesterday he was watching something talking about Obama & Hillary and he was shouting bible verses - the one about those with ears let them hear - at the tv. I called the doctor and have a prescription for xanax now.) Anyway, dad was looking for lunchmeat. Turkey, specifically. We happen to be out, and there's a lot of sausage in there. Mom's in there cleaning & unloading dishwasher. He said something about there not being any lunchmeat and I piped up that there was corned beef. So mom asks him, do you want corned beef? Back and forth, dad is like well, there's nothing else. Mom is like it's a yes or no question. Dad is like, well, I WANT turkey. Mom's like well, we don't HAVE turkey, we have corned beef, or you could have cheese, or tuna, what do you want? Dad says oh, just hand me the plates. (To put away in the cabinet.)

Mom finally had the contractor over, and has given him the go-ahead. Who knows, we may actually get the house fixed before dad dies. Or I die. Of course, we have to pick out tile and fixtures and whatnot - and considering mom has spent days - DAYS - looking at cell phones, and researching them, and going to the store to work with them hands on, only to finally order one and decide she doesn't like it and is going to return it - there's no telling how long it will take to get the house done.

It's a wonder I'm not a raging alcoholic. The amount of hand-holding is taking a mental toll. Mom wanted me to come back to her room to take a look at her new phone (a blackberry) because the ball wasn't acting the way the one in the store was, and could I take a look at it. (This was Thursday night.) I told her I was going to go spend some time with my husband, as I'd not spent a whole lot of time with him lately, and that she'd have me all day tomorrow during the day (Friday) as my office is closed Friday and I wasn't going to be working. She was pissy the rest of the night. Snapping at people, etc.

I'm trying desperately to break the cycle. I already have more bad habits from my mother than I care to admit. My husband, bless him, is good about standing up for himself and calling me on my bullshit. I don't appreciate it at the TIME, but I do appreciate it. I don't want my daughter to grow up with the same problems.

Watching the physical and mental deterioration of my parents is difficult. Some days I handle it better than others. On days like today - well, today I'm not handling anything well. Last night I got back from going to Home Depot and looking at tile and bathroom vanities with my mother, and crawled into bed in a dark room and laid there for the rest of the night. This morning I took my medicine, but it's not helped a whole lot. I don't know if I'm ramping up for my period or what, but this depression is getting old. It's been worse than usual the last few months. It could have something to do with the fact that I'm living in a room with three other people (two of whom are under 6 years old) and a rotting house full of garbage and two adults who frequently act like children with a job that's getting consistently more complex and time consuming (I'm now on the 'statewide data committee', how's that for taking up more time than the excruciatingly-part-time-secretary job that I thought I had? That's what I get for being intelligent and competent, ha.) and that I'm still paying off old debts and the car needs new tires and brakes and oh god stop the world spinning I WANT TO GET OFF

But on the bright side, I've gotten to do some wonderful things lately (my alarm just went off on my computer, and it's playing the Testament of Freedom that I got to sing at the Kennedy Center, that's a wonderful memory - and we get to sing at Carnegie Hall in 2010, and Prague in 2012!!!) - for example, I just finished a week long rowing camp - I learned how to row long skinny boats! Got the bruises to prove it, too. Ow. And I have a roof over my head, and food to eat, and two awesome kids and a husband whose patience will become legendary - so what am I complaining for? ;)

I'm going to go take a shower. Water always makes me feel better.

*edit*
The shower was nice - the adult time was even better. Got two hours to go bowl with my husband and all the people from his office.

I have to say, though - coming home to sit in the living room with the kids and having my daughter show me how good she is at feeding Gnocci (pbskids.org) while dad sits in his chair watching tv (which he does about 15 hours a day) and bitching about how loud the kids are...

they're your grandchildren. DO SOMETHING WITH THEM.

Even YOUR DOCTOR recommended you do things with them, for chrissake!

I managed not to snap at him this time. I have snapped at him in the past. (Something like "sure, because your television is SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than your grandchildren" as I stomped off. It made no difference.)

Are YOU better off than you were 8 years ago?

2008-06-09T21:34:00.003-04:00

From ThinkProgress:

78 percent: Those questioned in a new CNN/Opinion Research Corporation survey out this morning who rate the economic conditions as poor. “That’s up from 75 percent in March. Only 22 percent rate the economic conditions in the country as good.”

I'm betting that's the same 22% that still thinks Bush is doing a good job...

Had dinner over at my father-in-law's house the other night. While we were there, my sister-in-law (a conservative) was teasing me by whispering to my daughter "Tell mommy you want McCain to win!" - I had to fight back a surge of irritation, because it's all well and good to joke about it, but there are people DYING right now, fighting a war that should never have been started... and when you look at the economy, people are not doing well (hell, she's not doing so great herself), and McCain is just promising more of the same as Bush on the economic front... I know she's religious and pro-life, so the spectre of a Supreme Court that will reverse Roe vs. Wade doesn't bother her...

So I walked away. I don't think I'm going to change her mind on anything (heck, if the shape the country is in hasn't made her double check her assumptions, then me arguing with her isn't either) and I didn't feel up to getting into it.

I would really like to get that book "how to talk to a conservative" (it's something like that) so I have an arsenal to fight off the talking points. In the same vein, I want to learn the bible backwards and forwards, so when talking to fundies I can point out the insanity. It helps to be prepared.

Although in this case, I don't think logic would sway her. She's not the type to let reality change her mind about something. :)

Marie rocks!

2008-04-24T11:16:00.003-04:00

But not as much as Elton John.

Marie calls me up at 7pm and says "Hey, wanna come to the Elton John concert? I've got free tickets and you & J can come!" J didn't feel up to it, but told me to go and have fun. I have to say, even though in the past I've not been a big Elton John fan, I REALLY enjoyed myself. This man has so much fun on stage, it's hard not to smile watching him. And very classy, too - apologized that his illness had made it hard on us here in Tallahassee when he'd had to reschedule; then after being called back on stage for his encore, he went down the front of the stage and signed a bunch of stuff for all the people clustered there, then sat down and played more.

The sunglasses were smaller than I was expecting. :)

Nightmares

2008-04-01T13:21:00.002-04:00

I rarely remember my dreams. Last night/this morning not only could I remember it, but whenever I fell asleep I jumped right back into the dream. Which, had it not been a nightmare, could have been fun.

Dreamt I was trapped in the USSR. For whatever reason I couldn't get out - either couldn't find my visa, or was in trouble somehow. I had a small child with me - twoish - which was an interesting blend of both of my children. J had met up with somebody - possibly Bruno from the West Wing - and they'd decided to try some sort of escape plan. I thought it was a stupid plan, and hadn't joined them. They'd been shot. So I'm looking frantically through my van for some sort of official paperwork, and thinking in my head that I could just go to the US Embassy and at least drop my child off there (had the child's visa) so my child would survive and make it back to the states, because I knew that somebody was going to be coming for me soon... then some woman comes up and snatches a large envelope from under the windshield wiper, and takes off. I have no idea why it was there, or what it was, but I assumed it was something important, so I took off after the woman and snatched it back, and as I'm heading back to my car, I see ANOTHER woman snag something from the pile of papers I've been looking through in the glove compartment and take off. I'm now wondering if the first woman is a decoy, as I run back to the car, shut it, grab my keys and beep the lock, and turn around to see the second woman looking at me from her spot on a train as it starts to go by. I run to try to jump on the train to get whatever this paper is back, and that's when I wake up.

Why yes, I am feeling a little trapped, why do you ask?

I am printing copies of this

2008-01-28T20:40:00.000-05:00

I am printing many, many copies of this and I am going to hand it out at cons.

Send it to everybody you know.

7 Reasons the 21st Century is Making You Miserable
By David Wong

Scientists call it the Naked Photo Test, and it works like this: say a photo turns up of you nakedly doing something that would shame you and your family for generations. Bestiality, perhaps. Ask yourself how many people in your life you would trust with that photo. If you're like the rest of us, you probably have at most two.

Even more depressing, studies show that about one out of four people have no one they can confide in.

The average number of close friends we say we have is dropping fast, down dramatically in just the last 20 years. Why?

#1. We don't have enough annoying strangers in our lives.

That's not sarcasm. Annoyance is something you build up a tolerance to, like alcohol or a bad smell. The more we're able to edit the annoyance out of our lives, the less we're able to handle it.

The problem is we've built an awesome, sprawling web of technology meant purely to let us avoid annoying people. Do all your Christmas shopping online and avoid the fat lady ramming her cart into you at Target. Spend $5,000 on a home theater system so you can see movies on a big screen without a toddler kicking the back of your seat. Hell, rent the DVD's from Netflix and you don't even have to spend the 30 seconds with the confused kid working the register at Blockbuster.

Get stuck in the waiting room at the doctor? No way we're striking up a conversation with the smelly old man in the next seat. We'll plug the iPod into our ears and have a text conversation with a friend or play our DS. Filter that annoyance right out of our world.

Now that would be awesome if it were actually possible to keep all of the irritating shit out of your life. But, it's not. It never will be. As long as you have needs, you'll have to deal with people you can't stand from time to time. We're losing that skill, the one that lets us deal with strangers and tolerate their shrill voices and clunky senses of humor and body odor and squeaky shoes. So, what encounters you do have with the outside world, the world you can't control, make you want to go on a screaming crotch-punching spree.

Oh, yeah. Right in the crotch, buddy.

#2. We don't have enough annoying friends, either.

Lots of us were born into towns full of people we couldn't stand. As a kid, maybe you found yourself in an elementary school classroom, packed in with two dozen kids you did not choose and who shared none of your tastes or interests. Maybe you got beat up a lot.

But, you've grown up. And if you're, say, a huge DragonForce fan, you can go find their forum and meet a dozen people just like you. Or even better, start a private room with your favorite few and lock everybody else out. Say goodbye to the tedious, awkward, painful process of dealing with somebody who's truly different. That's another Old World inconvenience, like having to wash your clothes in a creek or wait for a raccoon to wander by the outhouse so you can wipe your ass with it.

The problem is that peacefully dealing with incompatible people is crucial to living in a society. In fact, if you think about it, peacefully dealing with people you can't stand is society. Just people with opposite tastes and conflicting personalities sharing space and cooperating, often through gritted teeth.

Fifty years ago, you had to sit in a crowded room to see a movie. You didn't get to choose; you either did that or you missed the movie. When you got a new car, everyone on the block came and stood in your yard to look it over. You can bet that some of those people were assholes.

Your parents, circa 1982
Yet, on the whole, people back then were apparently happier in their jobs and more satisfied with their lives. And get this: They had more friends.

That's right. Even though they had almost no ability to filter their peers according to common interests (hell, often you were just friends with the guy who happened to live next door), they still came up with more close friends than we have now-people they could trust.

It turns out, apparently, that after you get over that first irritation, after you shed your shell of "they listen to different music because they wouldn't understand mine" superiority, there's a sort of comfort in needing other people and being needed on a level beyond common interests. It turns out humans are social animals after all. And that ability to suffer fools, to tolerate annoyance, that's literally the one single thing that allows you to function in a world populated by other people who aren't you. Otherwise, you turn emo. Science has proven it.

#3. Texting is a shitty way to communicate.

I have this friend who uses the expression "No, thank you," in a sarcastic way. It means, "I'd rather be shot in the face." He puts a little ironic lilt on the last two words that lets you know. You ask, "Want to go see that new Rob Schneider movie?" And, he'll say, "No, thank you."

So one day we had this exchange via text:
Me: "Hey, do you want me to bring over that leftover chili I made?"

Him: "No, thank you"

That pissed me off. I'm proud of my chili. It takes four days to make it. I grind up the dried peppers myself; the meat is expensive, hand-tortured veal. And, now my offer to give him some is dismissed with his bitchy catchphrase?

I didn't speak to him for six months. He sent me a letter, I mailed it back, unread, with a dead rat packed inside.

It was my wife who finally ran into him and realized that the "No, thank you" he replied with was not meant to be sarcastic, but was a literal, "No, but thank you for offering." He had no room in his freezer, it turns out.

So did we really need a study to tell us that more than 40 percent of what you say in an e-mail is misunderstood? Well, they did one anyway.

How many of your friends have you only spoken with online? If 40 percent of your personality has gotten lost in the text transition, do these people even really know you? The people who dislike you via text, on message boards or chatrooms or whatever, is it because you're really incompatible? Or, is it because of the misunderstood 40 percent? And, what about the ones who like you?

Many of us try to make up that difference in sheer numbers, piling up six dozen friends on MySpace. But here's the problem ...

#4. Online company only makes us lonelier.

When someone speaks to you face-to-face, what percentage of the meaning is actually in the words, as opposed to the body language and tone of voice? Take a guess.

It's 7 percent. The other 93 percent is nonverbal, according to studies. No, I don't know how they arrived at that exact number. They have a machine or something. But we didn't need it. I mean, come on. Most of our humor is sarcasm, and sarcasm is just mismatching the words with the tone. Like my friend's "No, thank you."

You don't wait for a girl to verbally tell you she likes you. It's the sparkle in her eyes, her posture, the way she grabs your head and shoves your face into her boobs.

That's the crux of the problem. That human ability to absorb the moods of others through that kind of subconscious osmosis is crucial. Kids born without it are considered mentally handicapped. People who have lots of it are called "charismatic" and become movie stars and politicians. It's not what they say; it's this energy they put off that makes us feel good about ourselves.

When we're living in Text World, all that is stripped away. There's a weird side effect to it, too: absent a sense of the other person's mood, every line we read gets filtered through our own mood instead. The reason I read my friend's chili message as sarcastic was because I was in an irritable mood. In that state of mind, I was eager to be offended.
And worse, if I do enough of my communicating this way, my mood never changes. After all, people keep saying nasty things to me! Of course I'm depressed! It's me against the world!

No, what I need is somebody to shake me by the shoulders and snap me out of it. Which leads us to No. 5 ...

#5. We don't get criticized enough.

Most of what sucks about not having close friends isn't the missed birthday parties or the sad, single-player games of ping pong with the wall. No, what sucks is the lack of real criticism.

In my time online I've been called "fag" approximately 104,165 times. I keep an Excel spreadsheet. I've also been called "asshole" and "cockweasel" and "fuckcamel" and "cuntwaffle" and "shitglutton" and "porksword" and "wangbasket" and "shitwhistle" and "thundercunt" and "fartminge" and "shitflannel" and "knobgoblin" and "boring."

And none of it mattered, because none of those people knew me well enough to really hit the target. I've been insulted lots, but I've been criticized very little. And don't ever confuse the two. An insult is just someone who hates you making a noise to indicate their hatred. A barking dog. Criticism is someone trying to help you, by telling you something about yourself that you were a little too comfortable not knowing.

Tragically, there are now a whole lot of people who never have those conversations. The interventions, the brutal honesty, the, "you know, everybody's pissed off because of what you said last night, but nobody wants to say anything because they're afraid of you," sort of conversations. Those horrible, awkward, wrenchingly uncomfortable sessions that you can only have with someone who sees right to the center of you.

E-mail and texting are awesome tools for avoiding that level of honesty. With text, you can respond when you feel like it. You can measure your words. You can pick and choose which questions to answer. The person on the other end can't see your face, can't see you get nervous, can't detect when you're lying. You have almost total control and as a result that other person never sees past your armor, never sees you at your worst, never knows the embarrassing little things about yourself that you can't control. Gone are the common quirks, humiliations and vulnerabilities that real friendships are built on.

Browse around people's MySpace pages, look at the characters they create for themselves. If you've built a pool of friends via a blog, building yourself up as a misunderstood, mysterious Master of the Night, it's kind of hard to log on and talk about how you went to prom and got diarrhea out on the dance floor. You never get to really be yourself, and that's a very lonely feeling.

And, on top of all that ...

#6. We're victims of the Outrage Machine.

A whole lot of the people still reading this are saying, "Of course I'm depressed! People are starving! America has turned into Nazi Germany! My parents watch retarded television shows and talk about them for hours afterward! People are dying in meaningless wars all over the world!"

But how did we wind up with a more negative view of the world than our parents? Or grandparents? Back then, people didn't live as long and babies died more often. Diseases were more common. In those days, if your buddy moved away the only way to communicate was with pen and paper and a stamp. We have Iraq, but our parents had Vietnam (which killed 50 times more people) and their parents had World War 2 (which killed 1,000 times as many). Some of your grandparents grew up at a time when nobody had air conditioning. All of their parents grew up without it.

We are physically better off today in every possible way in which such things can be measured ... but you sure as hell wouldn't know that if you're getting your news online. Why?

Well, ask yourself: If some music site posts an article called, "Fall Out Boy is a Fine Band" and on the same day posts another one called, "Fall Out Boy is the Shittiest Fucking Band of the Last 100 Years, Say Experts," which do you think will get the most traffic? The second one wins in a blowout. Outrage manufactures word-of-mouth.

The news blogs many of you read? The people running them know the same thing. Every site is in a dogfight for traffic (even if they don't run ads, they still measure their success by the size of their audience) and so they carefully pick through the wires for the most inflammatory story possible. The other blogs start echoing the same story from the same point of view. If you want, you can surf all day and never swim out of the warm, stagnant waters of the "aren't those bastards evil" pool.

Only in that climate could those silly 9/11 conspiracy theories come about (saying the Bush administration and the FDNY blew up the towers, and that the planes were holograms). To hear these people talk, every opposing politician is Hitler, and every election is the freaking apocalypse. All because it keeps you reading.

This wasn't as much a problem in the old days, of course. Some of us remember having only three channels on TV. That's right. Three. We're talking about the '80s here. So there was something unifying in the way we all sat down to watch the same news, all of it coming from the same point of view. Even if the point of view was retarded and wrong, even if some stories went criminally unreported, we at least all shared it.

That's over. There effectively is no "mass media" any more so, where before we disagreed because we saw the same news and interpreted it differently, now we disagree because we're seeing completely different freaking news. When we can't even agree on the basic facts, the differences become irreconcilable. That constant feeling of being at bitter odds with the rest of the world brings with it a tension that just builds and builds.

We humans used to have lots of natural ways to release that kind of angst. But these days...

#7. We feel worthless, because we actually are worth less.

There's one advantage to having mostly online friends, and it's one that nobody ever talks about:

They demand less from you.

Sure, you emotionally support them, comfort them after a breakup, maybe even talk them out of a suicide. But knowing someone in meatspace adds a whole, long list of annoying demands. Wasting your whole afternoon helping them fix their computer. Going to funerals with them. Toting them around in your car every day after theirs gets repossessed by the bank. Having them show up unannounced when you were just settling in to watch the Dirty Jobs marathon on the Discovery channel, then mentioning how hungry they are until you finally give them half your sandwich.

You have so much more control in Instant Messenger, or on a forum, or in World of Warcraft.

The problem is you are hard-wired by evolution to need to do things for people. Everybody for the last five thousand years seemed to realize this and then we suddenly forgot it in the last few decades. We get suicidal teens and scramble to teach them self-esteem. Well, unfortunately, self-esteem and the ability to like yourself only come after you've done something that makes you likable. You can't bullshit yourself. If I think Todd over here is worthless for sitting in his room all day, drinking Pabst and playing video games one-handed because he's masturbating with the other one, what will I think of myself if I do the same thing?

You want to break out of that black tar pit of self-hatred? Brush the black hair out of your eyes, step away from the computer and buy a nice gift for someone you loathe. Send a card to your worst enemy. Make dinner for your mom and dad. Or just do something simple, with an tangible result. Go clean the leaves out of the gutter. Grow a damn plant.

It ain't rocket science; you are a social animal and thus you are born with little happiness hormones that are released into your bloodstream when you see a physical benefit to your actions. Think about all those teenagers in their dark rooms, glued to their PC's, turning every life problem into ridiculous melodrama. Why do they make those cuts on their arms? It's because making the pain-and subsequent healing-tangible releases endorphins they don't get otherwise. It's pain, but at least it's real.

That form of stress relief via mild discomfort used to be part of our daily lives, via our routine of hunting gazelles and gathering berries and climbing rocks and fighting bears. No more. This is why office jobs make so many of us miserable; we don't get any physical, tangible result from our work. But do construction out in the hot sun for two months, and for the rest of your life you can drive past a certain house and say, "Holy shit, I built that." Maybe that's why mass shootings are more common in offices than construction sites.

It's the kind of physical, dirt-under-your-nails satisfaction that you can only get by turning off the computer, going outdoors and re-connecting with the real world. That feeling, that "I built that" or "I grew that" or "I fed that guy" or "I made these pants" feeling, can't be matched by anything the internet has to offer.

Except, you know, this website.

Essential Insanity

2008-01-20T17:52:00.000-05:00

Essential Insanity
By: Ian Welsh Sunday January 20, 2008 12:00 pm

ND by Nesster

Walk with me a while and imagine you are mad. Crazy. Insane. It's an interesting sort of insanity--you see the world as something other than it is. You are dead convinced that people are out to get you, but these people have almost no means to harm you and fear your retaliation greatly, because you're a powerful person and they are weak.

You believe that you are hale and hearty; but in fact you're ghastly, obese and ill. You think you're rich, but in fact you're poor. You think you have the best doctor around, but in fact your doctor is worse than almost every other doctor and charges 50% more than them. You think you're tough, and you certainly haven't let the fact that two ninety pound weaklings seem to be able to stand up to you get in the way of that.

You think that you have the most advanced technological toys, that what you have is the best, and once you did, but these days everyone else seems to have more advanced stuff.

The illness goes deeper though, a deep decay in your brain. The parts of your brain that make most of the decisions for your body think everything is wonderful. They seem only able to take in sensations from the taste buds these days, and for the last thirty years you've been on a rich diet. So they think everything's great. Your once lean body, packed with muscles, has been replaced by a flaccid one, paunchy and fat, but somehow the key parts of your brain don't know that. They don't feel your sore back, they don't hear the broken down breathing and they don't see the gut hanging over your belt.

The you I'm referring to, as I'm sure many have figured out by now, is the US. For years I've been writing for the US and observing it carefully, and I've found it one of the most interesting problems I've encountered in my life. Because America and Americans are very unpredictable. Now, of course, the first thing I thought was "it's me," and in a sense, that's true.

Yet, here's the thing, I have a very good record of predicting what will happen in Somalia, or Afghanistan, or Iraq. And when I get it wrong, I can look back and easily figure out why. Yet I've never visited any of those countries and really, know very little about them. On the other hand I grew up imbibing American media, know American history well, have visited America a number of times and spent 8 years in jobs that required me to deal with multiple Americans daily.

Odd. Very odd. And something I've discussed with other foreign observers of American society and politics.

The first clue to what was wrong came around the time of the Iraq war. It was obvious, dead obvious, to everyone outside of the US and to US citizens who were spending a lot of time parsing news, that the war was a joke and that Saddam had no nukes and was no threat to the US. Most Americans, however, didn't get that. The reason, of course, was propaganda.

Fair enough. Every country whips its citizens into war hysteria with propaganda. But what was truly remarkable wasn't that, it was that somehow the majority of Americans, over 70%, thought that Iraq was behind 9/11. Iraq, of course, had nothing to do with 9/11. Nothing.

Remarkable. Americans went along with going to war with Iraq then because they thought Iraq had attacked them and had nukes and could attack them again. A complete propaganda tissue of lies. But if you believe it all, well of course Iraq needed to be attacked.

What looked to the rest of the world as crazy was entirely logical. It was, however, still insane. If I see a tentacled monster from the fourth dimension attack me and I respond by grabbing a knife and slashing apart my next door neighbour who's waving at me, well, I had a logical, coherent reason for what I did, but I still murdered him, and I'm still insane.

This is the first type of insanity in the US and it runs deep. I often feel like I spend more time correcting outright lies, outright propaganda, than anything else. Just this week I had to explain to a left wing blogger (who should know better) that single payer health insurance is cheaper and gives better results than private insurance system. Now in the US this is somehow still in doubt, but that's insane--this isn't in question, every other western nation that has single payer insurance spends about 1/3 less than the US and has as good health metrics or better either in most or all categories. This isn't something that's up in the air; this isn't something that is unsettled. This is a bloody FACT.

Americans think they are the most technologically advanced society in the world, yet the US does not have the fastest broadband, the fastest trains, the best cellphones, the most advanced consumer electronics (go to Japan and you'll see what I mean) or the most advanced green energy technology.

In the primary season Ron Paul was repeatedly cut out of media coverage and John Edwards was hardly covered. The majority of Americans thought that Edwards was running as the most right wing of the Democratic candidates. Huckabee was constantly called a populist when his signature tax program would gut the middle class and slap the poor onto a fiscal rack.

And when all is said and done, politicians are still running on slashing taxes and having that make up for itself, while the US runs a balance of payments higher than any other country post World War II has ever done without going into an economic crash.

That's one type of insanity--thinking the world is something that it isn't.

The second is worse, in a sense. When Diamond wrote his book on why societies collapse he came to the conclusion that it occurred when elites weren't experiencing the same things as the majority of the society--when they were isolated from the problems and challenges the society was facing.

For 30 years ordinary Americans haven't had a raise. And despite all the lies, Americans are beginning to get that.

But for the people in charge the last thirty years have been absolutely wonderful. Seriously, things haven't been this good since the 1890's and the 1920's. Everyone they know--their families, their mistresses and toyboys, their friends--is doing well. Wall Street paid even larger bonuses for 2007, the year they ran the ship into the shore, than they did in 2006 when their bonuses equalled the raises of 80 million Americans. Multiple CEOs walked away from companies they had bankrupted with golden parachutes in excess of 50 million. And if you can find a Senator who isn't a millionaire (except maybe Bernie Sanders) you let me know.

Life has been great. The fact that America is physically unhealthy, falling behind technologically, hemorrhaging good jobs and that ordinary Americans are in debt up to their eyebrows, haven't seen a raise in 30 years and live in mortal fear of getting ill--because even if they have insurance it doesn't cover the necessary care--means nothing to the decision making part of America because it hasn't experienced it. America's elites are doing fine, thanks. All they can taste, or remember is the caviar and champagne they swill to celebrate how wonderful they are and how much they deserve all the money federal policy has given them.

This is the second insanity of the US--that the decision making apparatus in the US is disconnected from the results of their decisions. They make sure they get paid, that they're wealthy, and let the rest of society go to hell. In the end, of course, most of them will find that the money isn't theirs, and that what they've stolen is worth very little if the US has a real financial crisis.

The third insanity is simpler: it's the wealth effect. At the end of World War II the US had about half the world's economy. Admittedly that's because Europe had been bombed into oblivion, but even when Europe rebuilt the US was still far, far ahead. The US was insanely rich and powerful. See, when you're rich you can do stupid and unproductive things for a long time. There are plenty of examples of this but the two most obvious ones are the US military and the War on Drugs.

The War on Drugs hasn't reduced the number of junkies or drugs on the street in any noticeable way. It has increased the US's prison population to the highest per capita level in the world, however. It has cost hundreds of billions of dollars. It has gutted civil liberties (the war on terror is just the war on drugs on crack, after all). And after 30 years does anyone seriously say "wait, this doesn't work, it costs billions of dollars and it makes us a society of prisons?" Of course not, if anything people compete to be "tough on crime." What's the definition of insanity, again? Doing the same thing, over and over again, and expecting different results?

Then there's the US military. It costs, oh, about as much as everyone else in the world's military combined. It seems to be at best in a stalemate and probably losing two wars against a bunch of rabble whose total budgets probably wouldn't equal a tenth of one percent of a US appropriations bill. And it is justified as "defending" America even though there is no nation in the entire world which could invade the US if the US had one tenth the military.

But the US could (not can, they are now unaffordable, but could) afford to have a big shiny military and lots of prisons, so it does. Lots of people get rich off of both of them, lots of rural whites get to lock up uban blacks and lots of communities that wouldn't exist otherwise get to survive courtesy of the unneeded military bases and prisons which should never have been built.

Insane--believing things that aren't true.

Insane--decision makers are cut off from the consequences of their decisions and in fact are getting reverse feedback, as things get worse for most Americans and as America gets weaker and poorer, they are the richest they've ever been.

Insane--so rich that no one will stop doing things that clearly don't work and are harmful, because people are making money off the insanity.

All of this is what makes predicting the US so surreal. It's not just about knowing what the facts are and then thinking "ok, how would people respond to that?" You have to know what the facts are, what the population thinks the facts are, what the elites think the facts are, who's making money off of it, and then ask yourself if these facts are having any real effect on the elites and if that effect is enough to outweigh the money they're making off of failure (how many of them have children serving in Iraq? Right, not urgent to fix.)

And then you have to go back to the facts and ask yourself "what effect will these have even if they're being ignored." Facts are ugly things, they tend not to go away.

All of which makes the US damn near impenetrable, often enough even to Americans.

But here's what I do know--you can get away with being nuts as long as enough people are benefiting from you being insane. When the credit cards are all maxed out, when the relatives have stolen even the furniture, suddenly all the enablers go away and the kneebreakers or the men in white pay you a visit. At that point you can live in the real world, or you can go to the asylum.

I wonder which way the US will go?

Okay, never thought I'd say anything nice about this lunatic, but...

2008-01-20T08:25:00.001-05:00

I'm sure by now you've seen the video of Tom Cruise talking about Scientology. (I read a transcript.)

Yes, he's insane. Yes, I think his disdain for mental health practitioners and medication is downright dangerous. Yes, I feel sorry for his daughter, and everybody else who's been brainwashed into thinking Scientology has the answers.

But you know what? He's trying to make the world a better place. He feels a responsibility to help.

And while lunatics trying to save the world and recreate it in their ideal image has caused untold misery and death (communism, the Inquisition, Crusades, etc.) -- I have to at least give him credit for thinking about the rest of humanity.

It's more than a lot of celebrities do.

I. Had. No. Idea.

2008-01-19T17:34:00.000-05:00

The things my husband comes across. I'm glad he shared this one, I laughed out loud several times. Who knew?? Every time I think of those women going to doctors over... and over... and over again...

bwahahahahahahaha!

Too cool to pass up

2008-01-19T17:14:00.000-05:00

Via Sleep Dirt:

Generate a fake band and it's first album:
Step 1: Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first article title on the page is the name of your band.

Step 2: Go to http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote are the title of your album.

Step 3: Go to http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
The third picture -- no matter what it is, is your album cover.
Please remember to give credit to the photographer. All images on Flickr are copy written in some form or another.

Throw it all into some image editing software, mix well, and voila!

Here's what I came out with:

My photo courtesy Jim Mayes, it looks like.

I like!

Somebody should be collecting these somewhere - there are some really awesome ones out there.

So this is bronchitis

2008-01-17T18:08:00.000-05:00

I am not impressed.

Audition postponed until August, as there's not a position opening up in the chorus right now. Just as well, as my schedule is busier than I thought it would be - what with ballet, gymnastics, working the polls on election days, and chorus rehearsals - not to mention taking care of mom, dad, and my aunt - I'm pretty much tapped out.

However, there is one thing that's getting crammed into both my budget and my schedule.

I'M GOING TO SING AT THE KENNEDY CENTER!!!!!

{jumping up and down}

Donations accepted!

Long time no see

2008-01-14T23:21:00.000-05:00

....aaaaand it's 2008.

Wow.

What would YOU do if you had an opportunity to perform at the Kennedy Center in Washington, D.C.?

If I ever work in a cubicle again

2007-11-27T09:40:00.000-05:00

I'm SO making one of these.

Right now, my office actually has a window. Go figure - In all my working life, I've only once before had an office with a window.

I love Boing Boing for many reasons

2007-11-26T21:50:00.000-05:00

Here is one:

Food company's annual report needs to be baked before reading

How cool is that?

Is it Friday yet?

2007-11-20T06:48:00.000-05:00

About a month ago I started two new jobs. I'm a part-time secretary for the school M goes to, and I'm tutoring three girls in 6th grade math. I also took my first paid gig as a face painter for a kid's birthday party, and made the cake as well. (It was a pirate ship, complete with sails, water & a shark.)

As soon as I pay off some old debts, I think the first thing I might put my paycheck towards is one of these. I have to have some help keeping track of my schedule. Between stuff for the kids, doctor appointments for my father & aunt, work, tutoring, and everything else, I either need something like this or a personal secretary.

Yes, I'm still alive

2007-11-04T10:19:00.000-05:00

This is a great idea.

Nothing more to add.

When you lay it out like that...

2007-09-01T12:24:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Senate 2008 Guru, here's a run-down of Republican corruption scandals JUST SINCE JANUARY 2007. It's a bit mind-boggling.

January 23, 2007: Republican radio personality Scott Eller Cortelyou of Denver arrested on suspicion of using the Internet to lure a child into a sexual relationship

January 29, 2007: Republican former Jefferson County, Colorado, Treasurer Mark Paschall indicted on two felony charges "in connection with an allegation that Paschall solicited a kickback from a bonus he awarded one of his employees"

January 31, 2007: Republican Congressman Gary Miller is named by Republicans as ranking member of oversight subcommittee of House Financial Services Committee despite the FBI's investigation into his land deals

February 14, 2007: Major Republican fundraiser Brent Wilkes and former CIA executive director Kyle "Dusty" Foggo are indicted by a grandy jury for corrupting CIA contracts

February 16, 2007: Major Republican donor Abdul Tawala Ibn Ali Alishtari, aka Michael Mixon, is indicted in federal court on charges of providing material support to terrorists

March 5, 2007: Ethics complaint filed against Republican Senator Pete Domenici for his role in the Attorney Purge scandal

March 6, 2007: I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, former chief of staff to Vice President Dick Cheney found guilty of obstruction of justice and perjury

March 8, 2007: Republican former U.S. Congressman and Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich admits to extramarital affair

March 23, 2007: Former Deputy Interior Secretary J. Steven Griles, an oil and gas lobbyist who became an architect of George W. Bush's energy policies, pleads guilty to obstructing justice by lying to a Senate committee

March 27, 2007: Criminal charges filed against Republican Pennsylvania State Senator Robert Regola in connection with the death of a teenage neighbor who was shot with the senator's gun; he is accused of three counts of perjury, allowing possession of a firearm by a minor, recklessly endangering another person and false swearing

March 27, 2007: Ronald Reagan's budget director, David Stockman, "indicted on charges of defrauding investors and banks of $1.6 billion while chairman of Collins & Aikman Corp., an auto parts maker that collapsed days after he quit"

March 28, 2007: Robert Vellanoweth, a Republican activist and appointee of Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, is arrested on suspicion of gross vehicular manslaughter and felony driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol, after a crash that killed three adults and one child

April 18, 2007: The FBI raids the home of Republican Congressman John Doolittle, investigating his ties to Jack Abramoff

April 19, 2007: The FBI raids a business tied to the family of Republican Congressman Rick Renzi, as part of an investigation into his business dealings

April 23, 2007: The FBI questions Republican Congressman Tom Feeney about his dealings with Jack Abramoff

April 23, 2007: Federal auditors find repeat violations of federal election law from the 2004 Senate campaign of Republican Senator Mel Martinez

April 26, 2007: David Huckabee, son of Republican Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, is arrested at an Arkansas airport after a federal X-ray technician detected a loaded gun in his carry-on luggage

May 4, 2007: Bruce Weyhrauch and Pete Kott, former Alaska state Republican legislators, were arrested and accused of soliciting and accepting bribes from the corrupt VECO Corporation

May 4, 2007: Republican state Assemblyman Michael Cole is censured and stripped of his leadership position after the married father of two spent the night at a 21-year-old intern's apartment

May 11, 2007: A field coordinator for Republican Congressman Patrick McHenry is indicted for voter fraud in North Carolina

May 12, 2007: NBC News breaks the story that the FBI is investigating Republican Nevada Governor Jim Gibbons for suspicion of accepting bribes in exchange for securing government contracts

May 15, 2007: Connecticut Republican Party Chairman Chris Healy is arrested for drunk driving (he pled no contest on June 1, but didn't publicly disclose the event until June 11)

May 18, 2007: Republican former South Dakota State Representative Ted Klaudt is charged with eight counts of second-degree rape, two counts of sexual exploitation of a minor, one count of sexual contact with a child younger than 16, two counts of witness tampering and one count of stalking against two foster children in his care

May 21, 2007: Republican state Senate candidate Mark Tate is indicted on nine counts of perjury and two counts of election fraud by a grand jury

June 11, 2007: Republican Senator Larry Craig is arrested for lewd conduct in the men's bathroom of an airport

June 19, 2007: South Carolina Republican state Treasurer and South Carolina Chairman of Giuliani for President Thomas Ravenel is indicted by a grand jury on cocaine distribution charges

July 2, 2007: President George W. Bush commutes the sentence of former Cheney Chief of Staff I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby following Libby's conviction on obstruction of justice and perjury

July 3, 2007: A grand jury report declares that the sale of public land to Republican Congressman Ken Calvert and his business partners violated the law

July 11, 2007: Republican state Representative and Florida co-Chairman of McCain for President Bob Allen is arrested for soliciting a male undercover police officer, offering to pay $20 to perform oral sex

July 16, 2007: Republican Senator David Vitter holds press conference acknowledging being on the D.C. Madam's list and past involvement with prostitutes

July 16, 2007: Story breaks that Republican Senator Lisa Murkowski was involved in a sweetheart real estate deal

July 19: Republican former state legislator Coy Privette is charged with six counts of aiding and abetting prostitution

July 24, 2007: Michael Flory, former head of the Michigan Federation of Young Republicans, pleads guilty to sexual abuse

July 26, 2007: Media report that Republican Senator Lisa Murkowski will sell back land purchased in a sweetheart deal, following close scrutiny of the shady transaction

July 29, 2007: Glenn Murphy Jr., recently-elected Chairman of the Young Republican National Federation, is accused of sexually assaulting a sleeping man

July 30, 2007: The FBI and IRS raid the home of Republican Senator Ted Stevens following investigations into Stevens' dealings with the corrupt VECO Corporation

August 2, 2007: Bush administration senior adviser Karl Rove disregards a Congressional subpoena and refuses to testify before the Senate Judiciary Committee

August 6, 2007: Investigation called for after House Republican Leader John Boehner leaked classified information regarding a secret court ruling over warrantless wiretapping

August 8, 2007: Republican Senator Larry Craig pleads guilty to misdemeanor disorderly conduct following his June 11 arrest

August 9, 2007: Major Republican donor Alan Fabian is charged with 23 counts of bankruptcy fraud, mail fraud, money laundering, obstruction of justice, and perjury

August 15, 2007: Republican state House candidate Angelo Cappelli is arrested for perjury and grand theft

August 22, 2007: Republican political consultant Roger Stone resigns his role with the New York state Senate Republicans after reports surfaced that he made a "threatening, obscenity-laced" phone call to the 83-year-old father of Governor Eliot Spitzer

August 27, 2007: Story breaks that Republican Senator Larry Craig was arrested and pled guilty - he had not publicly disclosed the events to that point

Has anybody seen a Democratic equivalent? I'd be curious to do a comparison...

The beat goes on

2007-08-28T23:30:00.000-04:00

Whistleblowers about corruption in Iraq get thrown into jail and interrogated - BY U.S. FORCES.

Gonzales is finally gone. I'd throw a party, but I want the bastard prosecuted - and I'm afraid of who Bush is going to put in his place.

I knew corruption in Iraq was bad, but this is enough to make you vomit.

I spent the evening in front of the old capitol with an end-the-war rally. The response from the cars driving by was amazing - there is definitely a majority of people (at least a majority of the ones that drove by us) that want the war to end now. I've never heard so much honking in my life. I wonder, though, about the few who flicked us off. Most of them were young men - made me want to point out to them that if there's a draft, they'll be first on the chopping block - will they then be so gung-ho?

J sent me to Good Reads. It's similar to other things online, but looks like it might be fun. Drop by.

Remember the Milk looks like it could be really useful - I'll have to see how well it fits into my life.

I... I have no words...

2007-08-20T13:10:00.000-04:00

I've joked about something like this for years now - you know, the "Just wait! Some horrible something will happen and Bush will claim it's not safe to hold an election, etc. etc.... ha ha!"

To see it proposed as a serious idea makes me physically ill.

However, President Bush has a valuable historical example that he could choose to follow.
When the ancient Roman general Julius Caesar was struggling to conquer ancient Gaul, he not only had to defeat the Gauls, but he also had to defeat his political enemies in Rome who would destroy him the moment his tenure as consul (president) ended.
Caesar pacified Gaul by mass slaughter; he then used his successful army to crush all political opposition at home and establish himself as permanent ruler of ancient Rome. This brilliant action not only ended the personal threat to Caesar, but ended the civil chaos that was threatening anarchy in ancient Rome – thus marking the start of the ancient Roman Empire that gave peace and prosperity to the known world.
If President Bush copied Julius Caesar by ordering his army to empty Iraq of Arabs and repopulate the country with Americans, he would achieve immediate results: popularity with his military; enrichment of America by converting an Arabian Iraq into an American Iraq (therefore turning it from a liability to an asset); and boost American prestiege while terrifying American enemies.
He could then follow Caesar’s example and use his newfound popularity with the military to wield military power to become the first permanent president of America, and end the civil chaos caused by the continually squabbling Congress and the out-of-control Supreme Court.

Entire article entitled Conquering the Drawbacks of Democracy.