So by 7am both kids were in my bed. I gave up & went to lie down in their room. My cat has decided this is a good time to snuggle, so it's kinda like having a furry vibrating hot water bottle on my head.

So on Sunday, I stop one medication, start two new ones, and start tapering down one I'm currently taking. Should be interesting. I'm going to try to take notes as it goes. Those of you who have been helping my husband maintain his sanity while living with his crazy-ass wife, you're forewarned. :) (And thank you, btw. It means the world to me that he's got such good friends.)

Every time I drive across I-10 now, I think of the time the hawk flew along side the overpass next to me.

Goodbye, Imagine school. I'll miss the teachers we had, but not much else.

I've forgotten what quiet is like.

Yay. Three more yellow pills before (hopefully) increasing sanity.

let's see if I can make it to the gas station this morning.

*&%$!! Am I EVER going to feel rested again??!

Not sure how I've managed - but since 3:30 I got all my errands run, grabbed groceries with the kids, came home & made a balanced dinner while kids were showering, and am about to put kids to bed. Whatever jolt of got-it-togetheredness I got, CAN I HAVE MORE PLEASE??!

so, let's see how this thing works...

It's funny how you think when you grow up life is going to be different somehow. Less confusing, more happy... and really, it never changes. I don't want to stick my head in the sand; my mother is a good example of why not to live like that. And yet, I don't know what to do. I'm paralyzed by the enormity of the problems. I keep thinking "oh, well once THIS happens everything will be better..." but it never seems to work out that way.

I created a whole secret identity to blow off steam, but without some sort of responses it's like shouting into the ether. It's instructive now to go back and read about some of the things I was venting about, or whining about - some of which I'm still venting about to this day, amusingly. Or not amusingly, actually. But there's no great sense of release; no advisory responses, no commiseration - none of the human responses that help you when you're in an emotional crisis.

I used to not know who I was. For many years now, I've not had that problem - granted, I still don't really know what I want to do when I grow up, but I didn't feel centerless. I don't know if it's the depression that's grown over the structure that is "me" like kudzu, obscuring the lines and leaving only a shapeless mass that *might* be a person - or the stress - or, what the nasty voices in my head say: there was never anything there to begin with. While I know that's not true, dealing with it takes away precious (and scarce) emotional and mental energy that I desperately need for the REAL things that are going on.

I know that suicide isn't the answer. I couldn't do that to my children. Sometimes I think it'd be a blessing to my husband - he wouldn't be a single dad for long. But the emotional damage I'd probably do in bowing out like that would probably be pretty horrific. The part of me that knows he loves me doesn't want to do that to him. The part of me that knows he's tired of dealing with me wonders if he made a list of pros & cons at the moment, what he'd decide.

Lost

So I sit here, falling apart. Kids are watching a movie. Got hung up on by my mom when I told her that I wasn't going to be at the hospital to take care of dad for another half an hour to an hour. Worried I'm drifting away; I spend most of my free time trying to escape reality. Reality and neurotic worries not letting me rest today. Recent nightmares join with old hurts and push me over the edge. I'm so tired. Difference between now & 12 years ago - I can see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm no longer worried that all there is for me is tunnel. However, I feel like I'm in a tunnel and out of control of my life. I'm living reactively, rather than proactively - letting other people and things control the speed of travelling through the tunnel. I'm losing myself. I think I have a path, a future - but how do I get there? Have I started? Am I going the right way? Or am I, as it seems so often, just treading water? My partner is living, learning - will I lose him? There's not much of me that's being shared, or worth sharing at the moment. Living in limbo, always waiting for something else to happen before I can do x, y or z. I think lately I've been looking for a house to buy because I'm desperately trying to find some aspect of my life that I control. Not doing a good job with my kids; they're almost always late to school, haven't been helping with homework or music practice; crappy at having lunches packed or making breakfast (or any meal), haven't been a good example of working around the house, haven't taken them outside enough. Just remembered I'm in a class; haven't done homework or read discussion board - completely forgot. At what point do I realize that I'm living now, and not waiting for some ineffable sign that my life has started? Will I always be this tired? Is it lack of sleep or depression? Or sleep apnea? Or laziness?

Very seldom do I drink myself to the point of unawareness. It's looking very attractive at the moment. I guess I'll do the next best thing, as I can't remove myself from my responsibilities today (too many other people need me for things for me to become incapacitated) I'll immerse myself in stupid facebook games and see if I can forget the things that are overwhelming me right now. Maybe meds will alter body chemistry enough for me to get control of the inside of my own head soon.

Another beginning of the month post

I notice the last time I posted was February first. Coincidental; I'm not trying to do once-a-month posts or anything.

Had a lot of fun this weekend; J & I took the kids down to Orlando to see They Might Be Giants. (We dropped into Magic Kingdom & Epcot while we were down there.) I think what I enjoyed the most, actually, was getting to chat with my babu on the car ride home.

Days have been strange for me lately. Other than this weekend, my schedule typically consists of getting up, getting kids ready & taking them to school, then heading over to the hospital to take care of dad. In the afternoon, I pick up the kids early if they've got something to go to (ballet, gymnastics, music lessons) but otherwise they stay in afterschool until 5:30. Sometimes Dad sleeps a lot - like today - so it's been really quiet. I'm beginning to think I'm spending too much time alone - my office (not that I've seen it in a while) is quiet, with nobody around. Here in the hospital, if dad's not awake, it's quiet and nobody else is around. During the day in the hospital I'm supposed to be either working on schoolwork or work-work. Notice I say "SUPPOSED to be" *sigh* Have had horrible willpower lately.

Just got a call from my academic advisor - I'd asked if we could go ahead and push back the next class's start date, which is no problem - I'd also asked about double-majoring. She informed me that for a double major, I'd have to take about 10 more classes; for a minor I'd have to take about six more classes. Considering a master's degree would take about the same amount of time, it looks like it'd make more sense to just go ahead & finish my bachelor's degree as is and then go for a master's. (As evidently it doesn't matter if my undergraduate degree is unrelated to my master's degree subject.)

Five o'clock sneaks up faster and faster every day. Might as well shut down and pack up.

Never thought I'd miss working at Burger King

It's times like this that I REALLY wish I had a walk-in freezer. You can scream as loud as you like in a walk-in freezer and nobody really hears you. It's a great way to let off stress. Isn't there a branch of psychology that does something called primal scream therapy?

Looking for pharmaceuticals

Okay, these 16-20 hour days are getting really, REALLY old. I can't quit just yet. Anybody have any ritalin? Or provigil? Or speed? Or something? I'm not sure I can manage without some chemical help at this point.

ugh.

Next time I think wistfully of rememberingy dreams, remind me of last night. Not only did I have a nightmare about my father-in-law cutting my son out of his will for something stupid & unreasonable, I also had a nightmare about an old ex-friend wherein we discussed what was going through her head during the time she was completely screwing me over.

I wish I could get rid of this headache. *sigh*

Great.

Okay, I'm going to try to reframe my thinking. The stupid little voice inside my head that colors everything grey was bitching that this morning had started off GREAT (/sarcasm) and instead, I'm going to concentrate on the good stuff.

I had a lovely shower, and conditioned my hair. (When you have this much hair, that's an event.) I'm going to try drinking the knox gelatin trick to strengthening hair & nails - it evidently worked for my grandmother's employer. Oven is preheating so I can make the biscuits, and then I just need to warm up the gravy. The kids' clothes are clean, and I think I even know where two matching sets of socks are. My pants are in the dryer, and my shirt just came out of the dryer.

Oh, there's the oven. Be right back.

Okay, so, biscuits are in the oven. My laptop isn't packed (obviously, as I'm typing on it) and I haven't got lotion on (winter dries out my skin terribly) but I can't see in the dark in the bedroom where my laptop bag & the lotion is, and I'm not ready to wake everybody else up yet.

I get to go back to work today - it'll be nice to make some money for a change. Kids go back to school, which I think is good for both them and me. My class has started, but my book's not arrived yet, so I'm not sure how that's going to work out. Hopefully my professor will be accommodating.

Hrm, wait, getting somewhat negative again... okay, thinking of the positive: the smoke alarm didn't go off when I opened the oven door! I have a lunch in the freezer to take to work.

OH CRAP, that's what I needed to be doing: packing lunches. (#@*&$@(#*$&@(#*%&@$

Thank goodness school starts tomorrow

I love my kids. Really, I do. And I would step in front of a bus to save them. But right now, I'd love for them to take a month's vacation somewhere without me.

My son has sadly inherited my temper. For reasons unknown to me, I'm also usually the only one on the receiving end of his tantrums. Some days I handle it better than others. Being constantly tested is wearing me down, however. I know he's intelligent, and I'm glad, but I'm getting tired.

I've checked out of almost everything in my life right now - have withdrawn back somewhat to the limits of what absolutely has to be done for survival. Am slowly trying to pick up the spinning plates that I used to have going, but I have to confess - I don't have the heart for it. I guess it's the depression, but part of my problem with getting all the plates spinning again is that I just really don't want to. I'm tired of my life, I want a different one. Anywhere take trade-ins?

And yet, in all this, don't think that I'm not grateful for everything I have. My husband, altho he's currently working too hard, is a wonderful man and the best partner I could ever ask for. My kids are healthy, and frequently nice. The federal program that pays for my position was renewed, so I still have a job. Work is also paying for me to get some sort of Microsoft certification (that may or may not be worth anything, but hey). My car still runs, I still have a place to live, and there's plenty of food in the pantry and fridge. My parents live in town, so we can help each other out. I have a few good friends, but I don't see them very often.

Right now the kids & I are doing the pomodoro method & trying to get this filthy cluttered apartment cleaned up some. I've got three more minutes to play, and then it's back to work. It worked pretty well yesterday.

Today, not as much.

With the extension of the $8000 tax credit to buy a house, I've been haphazardly looking for a place. I decided if we're going to go through the trouble of buying a house, it'll have to be worth it. At least 4 bedrooms. I found a place that I think we'd all really like - 5/3, on 3/4 of an acre, and affordable - only drawback? It's a 'manufactured home' and therefore hard as hell to finance.

I still need to sit down and write out the pros & cons of buying a trailer - you typically don't get equity, but we're renting now and not getting equity, so what the hell. It's a hell of a lot of space, too - over 2100 sq ft. We'd end up owning the property... I don't know. Part of me just wants to throw my hands up and go hide in the closet. That's probably why I'm sitting in front of the fire doing stupid shit on facebook with farms and islands and animals - hooray for avoidance.

Many hours later...

Okay, house still not anywhere near clean. Kids showered, teeth brush, girl lotioned & hair braided and both in bed - we'll see if they stay there. My wonderful awesome one of a kind irreplaceable husband is home (WOOHOO!) so I'm gone.

like walking into a place you lived long ago...

Between Facebook and Twitter, and my general insanity, I've not been here. Had nothing to say really that deserved an actual full blog post.

However, have been reading an acquaintance's blog, which in a roundabout way reminded me of mine. Since it's 2am and I'm neurotically wide awake, I figured I might as well babble somewhere and try to get control of the voices in my head. (No, I don't *really* hear voices; you know what I mean.)

I have to say, however, that typing this with one thumb on cellphone is reducing my desire to babble. I've finally gotten warm, so it's really not worth getting out from under the snug blankets to get the laptop.

I'll probably write more tomorrow. Later today. Whatever.

Up to a point, this evening was incredible. I hate the inside of my head.

Actually spoken in the course of my day

"I forgot he went to bed with wet hair - his hair's all Stewart Copeland, 1982"