Lost

So I sit here, falling apart. Kids are watching a movie. Got hung up on by my mom when I told her that I wasn't going to be at the hospital to take care of dad for another half an hour to an hour. Worried I'm drifting away; I spend most of my free time trying to escape reality. Reality and neurotic worries not letting me rest today. Recent nightmares join with old hurts and push me over the edge. I'm so tired. Difference between now & 12 years ago - I can see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm no longer worried that all there is for me is tunnel. However, I feel like I'm in a tunnel and out of control of my life. I'm living reactively, rather than proactively - letting other people and things control the speed of travelling through the tunnel. I'm losing myself. I think I have a path, a future - but how do I get there? Have I started? Am I going the right way? Or am I, as it seems so often, just treading water? My partner is living, learning - will I lose him? There's not much of me that's being shared, or worth sharing at the moment. Living in limbo, always waiting for something else to happen before I can do x, y or z. I think lately I've been looking for a house to buy because I'm desperately trying to find some aspect of my life that I control. Not doing a good job with my kids; they're almost always late to school, haven't been helping with homework or music practice; crappy at having lunches packed or making breakfast (or any meal), haven't been a good example of working around the house, haven't taken them outside enough. Just remembered I'm in a class; haven't done homework or read discussion board - completely forgot. At what point do I realize that I'm living now, and not waiting for some ineffable sign that my life has started? Will I always be this tired? Is it lack of sleep or depression? Or sleep apnea? Or laziness?

Very seldom do I drink myself to the point of unawareness. It's looking very attractive at the moment. I guess I'll do the next best thing, as I can't remove myself from my responsibilities today (too many other people need me for things for me to become incapacitated) I'll immerse myself in stupid facebook games and see if I can forget the things that are overwhelming me right now. Maybe meds will alter body chemistry enough for me to get control of the inside of my own head soon.

Another beginning of the month post

I notice the last time I posted was February first. Coincidental; I'm not trying to do once-a-month posts or anything.

Had a lot of fun this weekend; J & I took the kids down to Orlando to see They Might Be Giants. (We dropped into Magic Kingdom & Epcot while we were down there.) I think what I enjoyed the most, actually, was getting to chat with my babu on the car ride home.

Days have been strange for me lately. Other than this weekend, my schedule typically consists of getting up, getting kids ready & taking them to school, then heading over to the hospital to take care of dad. In the afternoon, I pick up the kids early if they've got something to go to (ballet, gymnastics, music lessons) but otherwise they stay in afterschool until 5:30. Sometimes Dad sleeps a lot - like today - so it's been really quiet. I'm beginning to think I'm spending too much time alone - my office (not that I've seen it in a while) is quiet, with nobody around. Here in the hospital, if dad's not awake, it's quiet and nobody else is around. During the day in the hospital I'm supposed to be either working on schoolwork or work-work. Notice I say "SUPPOSED to be" *sigh* Have had horrible willpower lately.

Just got a call from my academic advisor - I'd asked if we could go ahead and push back the next class's start date, which is no problem - I'd also asked about double-majoring. She informed me that for a double major, I'd have to take about 10 more classes; for a minor I'd have to take about six more classes. Considering a master's degree would take about the same amount of time, it looks like it'd make more sense to just go ahead & finish my bachelor's degree as is and then go for a master's. (As evidently it doesn't matter if my undergraduate degree is unrelated to my master's degree subject.)

Five o'clock sneaks up faster and faster every day. Might as well shut down and pack up.