I think I'm hooked

Last night, in between putting the kids back to bed fifty million times (they're sick, we're sick, nobody feels particularly good) J & I ran a test campaign. My first time as DM; WOW there's a lot to keep up with. I really enjoyed it, even though I was tired and felt like crap - I think for a campaign that I've really put some preparation into and once I get more automatic with the mechanics that I should be able to create a pretty fun game. I'm going to work on planning an adventure for some 3rd level characters for J & P to run.

Yes, I'm a geek.

(Moira is kissing Christian where he fell and hurt himself, he's saying "Tank you, tank you")

I am attempting to feed and not kill my children. I'll probably post again at some point unless I lose my patience and end up in jail.

(I'm kidding, folks. My mother always gets worried when I joke like that, which makes me want to throw something at her.)

thank god for afternoon naps

When you're sick, and the kids are sick, when you can get everybody down for a nap that lasts about 2 hours, it's wonderful.

Had some of the weirdest dreams, tho.

Dreamt some guy I used to know long ago found me thru my blog and left me a message; that I'd starred in movies and he'd seen them and was commenting on my performance... so I was trying to figure out who this guy was from what he'd written on HIS blog... that's the gist of it. There were a lot of details, but they're not really important to anybody but me anyway. (Not like my dream is important to anybody but me either, now that I think about it...)

Okay, it's surreal when you get up and you have NPR on, and you hear Oscar the Grouch talking.

Back to unpacking, sorting, packing & cleaning...

WTF?

It's 3am. I laid down to go to sleep half an hour ago. And was suddenly and inexplicably wracked by horrible coughing. That deep-in-your-chest-my-back-hurts coughing. I stop coughing, and I wheeze with every breath. Justin says if I do that all night, he'll shoot himself. So I'm out here in the dining room, making myself a cup of tea and listening to myself make weird bronchial noises.

No, I don't have asthma, I haven't gotten into any more dust or stuff than I typically have, I don't think... I mean, I laid down with C earlier to put him back to sleep, and I didn't start a coughing fest then.

In going through boxes o'crap to make "to sell" and "to keep" piles (all y'all doubters out there - my "to sell" pile is actually quite large, so bite me, the pack-rat tendencies do not always win out!) I came across a box of school stuff - 1996-97ish era college work.

It's interesting how depression fucks with your memory. I have notebooks full of notes for classes I don't remember taking. And if there were any doubt that I am bipolar, some of the stuff found in there would remove it. Bad depression poetry. Bad! And manic papers written for some crappy writing class.

I discovered that I graduated with my AA from TCC with a 3.48 cumulative gpa. That explains the "honors" sticker on my diploma that I always wondered about.

Okay, going to go read the news, which I've not seen (nor heard much of) today. Anybody wanna take any bets that I read something new and disgusting about the current political administration and/or gas prices?

National Geographics

J used to have them complete back to the 60s, and some as far back as 1899, he thinks... and I've always wanted to get a complete collection myself. So here's what we've got so far:

1960: June
1964: Feb, Apr, Sept
1969: Apr
1970: Now have Jan, Feb
1971: June, Sept
1972: Feb
1973: Sept, Oct
1974: July, Dec
1975: Oct
1976: Mar
1978: Jan, July, Aug, Sept
1982: Mar, now have Aug
1983: Jan, Sept, now have Oct, Dec
1984: complete
1985: all but Dec
1986: Jan-Apr, June, Sept-Nov
1987: all but June
1988: now have Jan, Feb-Aug, Dec
1989: Jan, now have Feb, Apr-May, July-Dec
1990: Jan-June, Aug, Nov-Dec
1991: all but May
1992: complete
1993: all but July
1994: Jan-Feb, now have May-Aug, Oct , Dec
1995: Oct, Sept, now have Nov
1997: Dec
1999: July, Sept-Dec
2000: Jan-Feb, July

that's all I've found so far; there may be more boxes around here somewhere. But now at least I'll know which ones we're missing next time we're at the library!


Oh, and on a totally unrelated note: Gimli and Legolas have left the Grey Havens. :(

I just saved a fly from a spider

I'm not sure why, other than I couldn't stand to hear him buzzing spastically and know he was going to be eaten.

Of course, now I feel guilty for taking away the spider's dinner.

I can't win some days.

I should have fucking tape recorded myself

So I'm having a grumpy morning. The phone rings, it's my parents' house. I tell J I'm not going to answer the phone; I'm doing dishes and in no mood to talk anyway. So the house phone stops ringing. Then my cell rings. Then the house phone again (still mom) and J says "you sure you don't want to get it? It might be important..." and I go off. I say that's why we have voicemail, dammit, she can leave a message. It's probably just that they're out of bread. Yes, sure, I can get you bread, it's not like I have anything ELSE to do with my time!

I continue loading the dishwasher forcefully. He takes the kids to play with them (and keep them out of my way, bless him). A few minutes later, I go ahead and check the messages to see if it was indeed something urgent (dad's fallen again, we're on our way to the ER, something like that.)

I would have laughed if I'd not been so pissy.

"Just wanted to know if you were going to be out & about today or going by a store, because we're out of bread so if you could pick some up we'd really appreciate it."

I think I'm going to start drinking heavily.

Just for the record, I don't do drugs.

I mean, other than the ones prescribed me. I have a funky brain chemistry, I don't need any external help.

That being said, I've been having some freaky dreams lately.

Night before last - was driving around with a guy that looked a lot like Marten from Questionable Content. We were good friends, but I kinda had the hots for him. Then I was working for Sylvia McCordle (Gosford Park) and we were searching the manor's pantries for paté. Then dad & I drove to Jay Leno's house; we were picking him up to go to a car show. He was working in his garage; had one of those garage jumpsuits on. He started talking about the horrible constipation he'd been dealing with, and I told him that he needed to start eating salads and drinking like a quart of orange or grapefruit juice a day, and lay off the mac & cheese....

Okay, go to last night. First part of the night had horrible dreams about J & I - he was acting like my first husband (distant, interested in other women, no patience for me) - the dreams were bad enough that when I woke up, I asked J if we were okay. Ugh. Then went back to sleep, and dreamed about Matthew & Erin's wedding, and then that they'd come to Tallahassee to surprise Robin, and that they had a relatively new baby... it's the first time I've ever seen Robin tear up; it was really sweet.

So back to the daily grind. J's working some today; hopefully we'll get to play tonight. I wonder if I could go back to sleep....

I've been waiting to see this laid out

In the Silence, War Continues


During the first half of the 20th century the United States spearheaded the movement to make war illegal.

Based on the standards that were set then, based on international and American law, and based on the facts, a clear-cut and convincing case can be made that the invasion of Iraq was a crime.

It is impossible to imagine that George Bush and Dick Cheney and the rest of their group will actually be brought into court and charged and perhaps that is the reason that the response has been silence. We do not even discuss what makes a war legal or illegal. It has not and will not be debated on the floor of the US Senate. It won't be the subject of an investigation in the Washington Post or the New York Times. It won't be a segment on 60 Minutes or an item the NBC Nightly News. Anyone who says that the invasion of Iraq was a war crime will probably be dismissed as a member of the loony left.

Nonetheless, it is worthwhile to know where the moral high ground used to be.
* * *

The movement to seriously end war came out of the First World War.

All the nations marched to the battlefields eagerly. They had visions of flying banners, glorious cavalry charges, feats of courage and derring-do. What they met was a new kind of war. War as an industrial slaughter. It decimated an entire generation. It bankrupted a continent.

The Second World War reinforced that experience.

Although some of the victors emerged rich and powerful and although the movies and memoirs were filled with heroism and glory, the participants got together and said, this was a horror and whoever starts one of these things has committed a crime.

A terrible crime.

The Law

In 1928 the Kellogg-Briand Pact was signed. It renounced war as "an instrument of policy."

It's a treaty and it's still in effect and that makes it, according to Article VI of the Constitution, American law:

... all treaties made, or which shall be made, under the authority of the United States, shall be the supreme law of the land; and the judges in every state shall be bound thereby, anything in the Constitution or laws of any State to the contrary notwithstanding.

Germany and Japan were also among the signatories. Obviously, they did not abide by it. But their violation of the treaty became one of the legal foundations for the war crimes trials.

Three types of war crimes were defined at Nuremberg in 1945: crimes committed during war as violations of the norms of war, crimes against humanity, like genocide, and, on top of the list, was to start a war:

To initiate a war of aggression, therefore, is not only an international crime; it is the supreme international crime differing only from other war crimes in that it contains within itself the accumulated evil of the whole.

That same year, in another step toward trying to end war, at least between countries, the United Nations was formed. The UN Charter, Article 2, Section 4, says:

All Members shall refrain in their international relations from the threat or use of force against the territorial integrity or political independence of any state ....

The United States, one of the founders of the UN, signed the charter. It is, like the Kellogg-Briand Pact, a treaty. Therefore it becomes, according to the Constitution, part of US law.

Self-Defense

Self-defense is legal.

Nothing in Kellogg-Briand or the UN Charter says or implies that a nation can't defend itself.

Preventive War

Preventive war is an extension of self-defense.

The idea is that if a bad guy is coming down the street with a gun you don't have to wait until he's in your house before you can shoot back.

That sounds like rough common sense and it has a great deal of emotional appeal.

But bear in mind that if you yell at the guy and he runs away, or if he drops his gun, or if you have time to call the police and they've arrived, shooting the guy is no longer self-defense, it's somewhere between hysterical manslaughter and murder.

Historically, the idea of preventive war has been very narrowly construed, just like shooting someone down in the street on the grounds that they are a threat to you. There has to be "a necessity of self-defense," and it has to be "instant, overwhelming, leaving no choice of means, and no moment for deliberation," and the act of self-defense "must be limited by that necessity, and kept clearly within it."

Preemptive War

Preemptive war, also called Bush Doctrine, is an extension of preventive war.

The big difference is that the threat no longer has to be "instant" or even immanent.

The idea is that if an opponent has both nuclear weapons and the will to use them, then the downside risk is so grave that it requires action to be taken before "the smoking gun is a mushroom cloud."

Once that's said, the idea extends itself even further. It spreads out like an oil slick. The enemy doesn't actually have to have nukes. They could have a program. Or merely the intent to have a program. Nor does it have to be nuclear. They could have the intent to have biological or chemical weapons programs. Nor is it necessary for them to exhibit or have a history of threatening to use those weapons against us. It is enough that if they have such a weapon sometime in the future, they might give it to someone else who is willing to use it.

Let us say that all makes sense and it is justifiable, the underlying justification still remains the same -- self-defense.

If the enemy is disarmed, then the necessity for self-defense disappears.

Just as once a suspect has dropped his gun and raised his hands, no matter how horrible his crime is, no matter how good a person the policeman is, if the policeman shoots him, it's murder.

Rogue States

There is one more legal way to go to war.

The UN Charter calls for "collective action" against a state that is out of control and dangerous to the rest of the world, a region or to one of it's neighbors.

It requires Security Council agreement and there have been three UN authorized wars, the Korean War, Gulf War One and Somalia.

The United Nations did not authorize military action Iraq.

It authorized pressure against Saddam Hussein to get him to admit inspectors and to disarm.

The Facts

The United States and the United Nations demanded that Saddam Hussein accept weapons inspectors and give them unlimited access so as to prove that he had disarmed as he had agreed to do after the First Gulf War.

Saddam Hussein agreed to that, in both word and deed.

The inspectors went to Iraq. They got in everywhere they asked to go.

They did not find prohibited weapons, except for a few that had been overlooked or lost in the shuffle and the Iraqis promptly destroyed them. They did not find any programs to produce prohibited weapons.

As proving a negative is difficult, the inspectors could not guarantee that no weapons existed. They asked for more time.

Let us stop right there. Let us examine that moment.

If there was any doubt that Saddam was somehow not fully disarmed, he was like a "perp" up against the wall, arms and legs spread wide, being frisked.

Effectively, he was disarmed.

The need for self-defense, even a preventive or preemptive self-defense, was over. The justification for war was gone.

Instead of being pleased that the threat was over, the Bush administration demanded that the inspectors stop their work and leave Iraq.

Then they changed the rules. They no longer demanded that Saddam disarm. Or even that he prove that he had disarmed. Now, the only way to stop the invasion, was for Saddam to abdicate and leave the country.

If the invasion of Iraq was not a matter of self-defense -- however much the definition was stretched -- and it was not sanctioned as collective action -- it was a war of aggression.

There are no mitigating circumstances, except, perhaps, the silence.

The silence, vast and still, came from the media. It came from our other politicians. From our historians, lawyers and generals, from our priests, ministers, rabbis and imams, who failed to step forward and say, wait, once upon a time we said that waging an aggressive war was the supreme international crime differing only from other war crimes in that it contains within itself the accumulated evil of the whole.

Once upon a time we hung people for the crime of waging an aggressive war.

We are continuing that war. We have already begun the preparations for another war.

We may not be able to stop this administration from committing war crimes, we may not be able to bring them to justice, but we can end the silence.


Larry Beinhart is the author of Fog Facts: Searching for Truth in the Land of Spin, and The Librarian and Wag the Dog, available at Nationbooks.org.

A shout-out to my homegirl

Happy Birthday Robin! J says much love too. I've decided to start playing the lottery so if I win I can send you back to Italy. Thanks so much for having us over, we're always glad to spend time with you.


I heard today on the radio that Barack Obama is going to be in town tomorrow - so I'm going to rearrange my day to take a listen. I'm a bit excited, actually.

Amazingly enough, it is 9:41pm, and everybody but me is asleep. At least I think J is asleep. If not, he's at least resting quietly.


OMG, Patrick doesn't know who Barack Obama is! AAAAUUGGH!!

I wish I could figure out why my jaw keeps breaking out in hives. Or whatever. Itchy slightly raised bumpy...

Okay, going to catch up on news - and refrain from having ice cream. :)

Help! I've forgotten my mantra!

10 points to whomever can name the movie.

I totally forgot what I was going to say.

Dammit, I hate it when that happens.

It's hell to get old...

So yesterday J gets pulled over by a sheriff with a bad attitude because the tag on dad's car is past 6 months expired. Oops. Now, we should have checked something like that, but it didn't occur to us - c'est la vie, right? J got off with a warning, and I called the 'rents to ask if they knew where the registration etc. were so I could renew the tag.

So when I get here this morning to make dad breakfast, he says "when we go to the tax place to renew the tag, I'm going to give them what for" and I, feeling bitchy, play dumb. Why? I ask.. and dad says it's THEIR fault they didn't send me one of those postcard things to renew the tag! I said um, no - that card is sent out as a courtesy; it's your responsibility to renew your tag, it happens every year during your birth month.

*sigh*

In one of those long conversations with mom yesterday (because it's damn near impossible NOT to have a long conversation with her) she asked if I wanted to make some money; she'd pay me for doing housework, doing the grocery shopping etc. I told her that I'd actually suggested that to J; that I incorporate and write off the car, gas, insurance etc. on the taxes as a business expense...

Is it Friday yet?

Is this me in 30 years?

Kill me now if so.

I dropped off a prescription for dad yesterday; I remembered mom saying that Walgreens was more expensive than Albertsons had been, and they were probably going to switch back... so I asked the woman if they had any insurance listed for dad. Surprise surprise - no. So later I dropped by dad's insurance card, and called mom to tell her to pick up the prescription on the way home, and that dad's insurance card should be in the bag with the medicine. She asked if I'd asked them about getting a refund for the last 3 or 4 prescriptions we'd gotten filled there for dad, and I said no.

So this morning when I get to dad's to make him breakfast, I ask him if the medicine was helpful at all, and he said he didn't know, he didn't have it yet. I said what do you mean? Mom was supposed to pick it up on the way home last night. Evidently mom went by Walgreens and asked them about refunding the difference for the previous prescriptions. They told her that she'd have to talk to CHP about that. I don't know what transpired, but mom got so pissed off that she told them to keep the damn medication and left.

Okay, what part of insurance covered medication do you not understand? Mom said that she was asking Walgreens for the money because they were the ones who had been paid the money. DOH. Okay, as I understand it, Walgreens gets the same amount of money for a drug regardless of who pays. If you don't have insurance, you pay for all of it. If you do have insurance, insurance pays for part and you pay for the rest. Most pharmacies I know don't go back and file claims with the insurance company for past purchases, so if you want the difference back, you have to contact the insurance company so they can pay you what they would have originally paid Walgreens - since you've already paid Walgreens.

Am I wrong? Anyway, I'm waiting for mom to let me know what the hell happened so I can go get dad's medicine from whenever. How much you want to bet that it becomes an hour long conversation? *sigh*

The life of a wife of a network/system administrator

Some nights you'll wake up in the middle of the night and discover your husband next to you on his laptop.

Some nights you'll go to bed together, only to get a phone call/page at some obscene hour that means he's getting up, and possibly getting dressed and heading to the office.

Some nights he'll be staying late at the office to do some stuff while nobody's using the network. Sometimes things don't go well and you get a call at 2:30am to tell you he's still not done and will be there until morning.

Some major holidays - New Years, 4th of July, etc. - mean the company's network is finally available to do work on, since nobody's working. This means your husband IS working.


Next post will be the good things. It's just 3am and I'm tired.

Time for a late night stream-of-consciousness post

It's not actually that late... don't know why I'm falling asleep. Maybe because J's still at work. Listening to Breathe on repeat. Not sure why I'm doing this. It's my habit of smacking an emotional bruise repeatedly until it's numb and doesn't hurt anymore. Planning on selling the house and getting a place closer to J's work, and friends. I've decided to not tell mom we're moving. We're taking bets on how long it takes her to find out. Considering part of the reason we were looking for a house on this side of town was because she wanted us close, but she's not been here since what, Thanksgiving? Have lost track. Patrick's betting on 3 weeks, wanna join the pool? I'm looking forward to selling 99% of our stuff, actually. J just called, he's getting food because the server won't come back up so he's going to be there for a while, hopefully won't have to rebuild it tonight. Khang came over this afternoon/evening, it was good to see him. His work is stressing him out - too many idiots, too much unfair bullshit. I think I'll ask if I can borrow his sister's bike so we can go riding. I was trying to figure out how to locate cathedrals the other night. I felt the need to go sit by myself in a large sacred space. A large untouched wilderness would do too, actually. And the wilderness might not be locked, like most churches are anymore days. I need a safe place. I'd like church more if it weren't for the people. Ironic, that. I wish I could find an old fashioned church building that just had sacred choir music 24/7. here in town again tell he's been down for a while but my god it's so beautiful when the boy smiles wanna hold him maybe I'll just sing about it. I think I'll check the schedule at FSU and see if there are any interesting free musical performances. Falling asleep while typing leads you to write interesting things. Winter just wasn't my season. I can't believe it's already so hot here.

What was I going to say? Shoot, dunno. Maybe it'll come to me. Tomorrow. Sleep now. Life's like an hourglass glued to the table.

note to self

I made the observation the other day that I should go back through my blog entries and see if I can find a pattern in my moods, because it's usually obvious where I am from what and how I say it.

I'm on an upswing today; hopefully it will continue. Between PMS hormonal stuff and situational stress stuff, the last few days have been, well, awful.

I still have the song from yesterday stuck in my head, but now this one is taking turns with it...

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
(Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield)

Can you tell I've been listening to local music stations? I've been too stressed out and disgusted to listen to NPR much recently. No news is good news. *sigh*

If it's stuck in my head, I might as well pass it along

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just a day, he sat down to the flask in his fist,
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
And breathe, just breathe
Woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

(Breathe by Anna Nalick)

A word of advice

When you find a friend - a true, real, loving, loyal friend - hold on to them with all you have. They're worth their weight in diamonds.

You know who you are - thank you. I won't forget how lucky I am to know you.

I'm sure smart people have already made this argument

This occurred to me while I was driving the other day - part of the reason we have trouble with politicians being bought is because making donations to a political party/person/cause/whatever is considered a form of free speech, right?

Two things here: 1) it's called FREE speech.
2) the entire concept of free speech (as I understand anyway) is that any and everybody has the right to speak as much as they desire about anything they desire. (With the obvious caveat of not shouting Fire in a crowded theatre, of course.)

By that very definition then, donation of money should not be considered free speech because not everyone has an equal amount of money to spend, so not everyone has the opportunity to "speak" as much as they want.

WHEEEEEEE

Okay, so yesterday was bleh, but maybe because I took my B vitamins this morning I have ENERGY!!!

Here's a game to play: when you're at the supermarket, look at the "women's" magazines. Try to find one that does not simultaneously have some luscious looking dessert and a new diet plan on the cover. In the years I've been playing this game, I've seen ONE.

I'm really excited about a character I'm in the middle of creating - a shadow dancer! I can't wait.

mmmmmm, grits.

Color me amazed...

It's amazing, but our six fish are doing wonderfully. The tank is gorgeous, I've rearranged it so the really-powerful-filter is situated so it's not likely to suck up a sleeping goldfish. They're perky, eating (and pooping) just fine - go figure.

I've got to go make breakfast for my dad (& son) now. Probably more later.

Oh, and btw, Uncle Patrick skunked me at a game of scrabble last night - beat me by 98 points! Unreal. I must be slipping. If anybody has any good scrabble mojo to send my way, please do. (and at some point I'll have $10 so I can register at the pixie pit and play with Justin's grandmother again, dangit.)

***EDIT***
Yes, pictures of fishies coming soon.

And ironically, mojo was one of Patrick's words.

Well THAT was fun

I firmly believe moms have a 6th sense. I don't know what it is that made me go look; maybe I heard something that my subconscious mind latched on to - but for whatever reason, I went into the kids' bedroom to see Moira dumping half the container of goldfish flakes into the tank. And all over the dresser. And the floor.

I tried to scoop out as many flakes as possible, realized that there was no way in hell I could get enough out, and ran to our local wally world (ugh) to get a new filter, some dechlorination stuff (as I didn't have time to let the water sit), and some stress-aid stuff.

Gandalf, Merry, Pippin, Gimli, Legolas, and Ernie (Christian re-christened Aragorn) have had the shock of their lives; hopefully they'll survive.

The fish food and all other fish stuff has been put on a newly-installed very high shelf on the wall.

Manic, or just not depressed?

Yesterday was great. Justin was at work all night and didn't get home until morning. Patrick offered to take me & the kids to Ice Age 2, which was perfect because then we'd be out of the house for a while so J could get some sleep. (Thank you for the movie, Uncle Patrick! It was a lot of fun, even with C so tired.) We dropped by Broadway to see if Uncle Ben was working - he was, and Uncle Noah was there too! Ben comped us lunch (Thanks, Uncle Ben! You're a sweetie - us broke people appreciate your generosity.) and then we went to Tar-zhea to get silverware. Uncle Patrick was feeling domestic. Amongst other things. (So do you like the silverware, or have you had a chance to use it? We can still go to BB&B if you want. {evil grin}) We drove thru Summerbrooke to see a friend's new house - you know, the neighborhood's okay, but most of the houses in there don't do much for me. I mean, they're obviously large and expensive, but... eh. We headed back home & broke out a puzzle while giving J a little longer to nap - I'm not sure why I picked a 1000 piece puzzle. I think I'm a masochist. Oh, who am I kidding? I love puzzles. After putting the kids to bed, we all geeked out with a D&D game. J's really coming along as a DM, and I was in a great mood and really into it. Didn't want to stop, in fact, so taking P home around 2am sucked. When I got back home, after J put Moira back to bed, we got some exercise and then headed for sleep.

That's the point at which I started thinking. The Wellbutrin seems to be doing well for me. So was I manic? Or just not depressed for the first time in forever? I felt like I did at the beginning of high school. Without the angst, mind you. I feel like writing. I used to write stories, and poetry... heck, my stories won awards... but I've not felt really creative in a long while. My libido seems to be coming back. {grin} I don't look at all the things around me and feel overwhelmed - I just feel like shrugging and saying, 'well, better get started!' I explained it to J that it was as though I'd been wearing sunglasses for so long I'd forgotten they were on there, and then took them off, and OMG, it's BRIGHT out here!

But maybe I'm rationalizing. Maybe these are manic spikes. Maybe it's dangerous to enjoy them too much. I feel like singing... I feel like dancing... I can say "this is the first day of the rest of my life" and it doesn't make me feel tired! I made six custard pies the other day; there are still 3 1/2 in the fridge. (I need to deliver them to my parents' house.) I want to plant a garden, and some flowers... it's spring... I almost feel like I'm in love; it's that giddy happiness you have when you look at the world. Do normal people sometimes feel like this? Should I be worried?

Those of you reading who aren't familiar with bipolar disorder may be saying "Hey, what's the big deal? You feel good! Enjoy it!" On some level, I am. Man, it sucks that an illness can make you WORRIED when you're happy. When I'm manic, I'm a lot more likely to do stupid, reckless things. I bite off more than I can chew. I overextend myself. My inhibitions are lowered. My emotions are more open to the world - and those of you who know me, know I wear my heart on my sleeve as it is - becoming MORE exposed sorta makes me tremble to think about.

And that seems to describe me lately.

But then there's the voice inside my head - the one most depressives have, that says "What if this is not an illness, not some sort of brain chemical imbalance, but just evidence that you're an awful person? That you're selfish and undisciplined and lazy? What if this is just a particularly awful character flaw? Am I copping out; blaming a mental illness for being a horrid bitch? What is wrong with me that I can't control my feelings more; that I can't behave normally? On some level do I WANT to be diagnosed as mentally ill because it gives me license to misbehave?"

Okay, wow, that did a good job of bringing me down.

But after going and re-reading this post, I don't feel beaten down. I look out my back door, and think that while I don't begrudge any creature having happy sex, I do wish the oak trees weren't spooging all over everything. (How's THAT for a mental picture?) I'm glad I don't have pollen allergies.

However, now that I've used this space to babble and generally attempt to explore the inside of my skull, I do really need to get to work on this house - it's been a constant source of stress (along with finances) and if I can just get it a little less cluttered I'd be happier. I'm even planning on taking stuff over to Kaye's for her giant garage sale, whenever that ends up being held.

And to totally geek out (like playing D&D all hours of the night isn't geeky enough, right?) I cannot WAIT to see West Wing tonight!!!! {bounces off}

New additions to the family

I don't know if I mentioned it or not, but earlier this week I brought home 8 feeder goldfish for the tank in the kids' room. Two died before I came up with names, but now that I've figured out what the rest of their names are, I know the name of at least one of the deceased ones.

The white one is Gandalf. The white and orange one is Legolas. The muddy-calico one is Gimli (he's the smallest). The two gold metallic ones are Merry & Pippin, one's stouter and the other has a longer tail. The biggest one, the prototypical orange goldfish, is Aragorn.

So at least one of the ones that died was Boromir. I'm not sure who the 2nd one was. Probably Sam or Frodo.

feast or famine

Woke up today, said the hell with it, and went back to sleep. Didn't even take Moira to school.

Yesterday, however, was another story. I knew I was on a semi-manic upswing when I woke up at 3:30ish and decided that rather than going back to sleep I wanted to work on my webpage. At 5:15, J woke up and told me to go the hell back to sleep, so I did. Then got up at 6 something, took a shower, got the kids' clothes laid out, got dressed, and laid back down. Got up later, took M to school, dropped off mom's old battery at the place on West Tennessee St. (since I was over there), then went & made breakfast for dad. Then took nap with C, then went to pick up Moira, then took lunch to J (because he'd run out of gas), then went grocery shopping at Publix for family, then took the groceries to Aunt Anne, then dropped by Albertsons for the last 3 things Publix didn't have, then took groceries to my parents' house, then met Patrick at his apartment to take him to an appt (I was early! What a shock), then went and picked up J, then went home, and J went & picked up Patrick at 6:30 and brought him back to our house, I made dinner, we all ate, J bathed & put the kids to bed & I took P home.


I think that's why I'm tired now.
At this point, I don't want more hours in every day. I'd just fill them up, and days like this tire me out already. I want four or five of me. Where's a rogue cloner when you need one? Or a teleporter that I can make malfunction, then merge all the copies back together afterwards....

4 am and all is well

I still would like to have an extra ten hours or so in every day... but I'm going to do what I can to use what I've got.

I am generally a fan of Benjamin Franklin

but this daylight savings time thing? Not so much.

Got home, J & I made dinner, fed everybody, then went for walk (YAY!) then back home, bath, and bed. Kids were in bed by 8:30. And J & I fell asleep too. (Which is probably why it's 1:40am and I'm up. I'd not been sleeping very deeply anyway, and I remembered I'd not put all the food away.)

Read the kids Animalia by Graeme Base (forgive any misspellings, it's late) before bed. Is it only my obsessive compulsive bent that makes me want to sit down and make a list of everything I see on every page? If you've not seen it, go look, and you'll see what I mean.

I love my cat, but if he kneads me with his claws in my thigh one more time I'm going to throw him off my lap.

So DeLay is not only not running for re-election, but he's vacating his seat early! It's like Christmas in April. Anybody wanna take bets on what his former chief of staff (who just pleaded guilty to taking gifts from lobbyists in exchange for getting DeLay to vote certain ways) is going to say DeLay was in on?

I was just reading stuff linked from HuffPo, but I don't have the mental fortitude to read about the political eulogies created for Delay by his fellow republicans, or about the analysis of Bush's tax cuts (I got to the "for taxpayers with incomes greater than $10 million" and my head started to hurt)... so the hell with it, it's almost 3am, I'm going back to sleep.

tipsy posts are almost as much fun as drunk posts

Warning: strong language




Why do they call it strong language, I wonder? Anyway, I'm about to start a D&D game (woohoo!) at Uncle Patrick's house, and I just have to vent some.

Oh my god, how fucking stupid do you have to be? Okay, so mom's battery seems to have died. So I plugged it up to the trickle charger, and we left dad's car (that we've been using as our 2nd car) so they'd have a reliable transportation device. So we're taking the kids to Springtime Tallahassee, we're at the parade, and my cellphone rings. It's mom; I couldn't hear her because she was on her speakerphone at home. (How many times have I explained the difference between full duplex and half duplex? Thank God I didn't have to go into it this time.) Anyway, so later I call her back and discover that she wants me to come to her house, and either drop off J or take the car myself to West Tennessee St. to this one particular place to get a battery.

Why the fuck drive a car with an unreliable battery across town? Just take the goddamned battery out of the car, get into the OTHER car, and go get a replacement. This is on top of her saying that she was cancelling Sue & I taking her out to dinner for her birthday because she didn't have the time. Fucking A, she can't take enough time to go out to dinner for her birthday because she has too many papers to grade. So when J & I were pointing out that she could just take the battery out (all you need is a wrench) she was grumpy and said "Thanks for your help, goodbye" and hung up.

I managed not to throw the phone, but that was only because I was driving.

No, I'm sorry, I don't feel like being helpful when you're being a FUCKING MORON about it. First of all, why the fuck do I have to drive all the way out to goddamned West Tennessee street? It's not like there aren't places that sell batteries everyfuckingwhere. Second of all, why the hell should I take the car that has stranded you twice?

So tomorrow is the family get-together at the father-in-law's place. Not gonna be there! I guess I should be nice and tell him we're not coming - the message he left us was saying that it was so Andy & Megan & the boys could say goodbye to everybody, basically - so I'm not sure; I can't exactly say "no, we're not coming - they don't want to see us anyway" because then that opens up the whole conversation as to why Andy isn't speaking to me. And while I don't blame him for not speaking to me, I think him saying that he won't be anywhere I or J is going to be is just retarded - I mean, what the hell kind of actor are you if you can't be in a family gathering and pretend everything is hunky-dory? {evil grin} He's been doing it for years! Of course, there is that bitchy side of me that says "oooh, go, and fuck with them" but it's just not worth the time or stress. Besides, they have enough problems without having to deal with obnoxious family members.

I'm going to take my progressively drunker self and go decide what I'm doing campaign-wise. Maybe I'll roll up a new character. Or just go shopping with this one. Hrm.

"the pear shaped tone!"