Actually spoken in the course of my day

"The most fun you can have with an accordion and a drum machine"


I'm so excited! I wish I didn't feel so much like I'd been run over by a semi

which reminds me of that recent accident near gainesville where a semi killed 7 kids in one family and when the grandfather heard about it he had a heart attack and died...

Sometimes having a brain that works so well with association is a curse.

As my son climbs on my chest and knees me in the eyeball.

What was I saying again?

Stanford lectures on iTunes! I'm never going to sleep again.

Well, whatever I was going to say, it's been lost in the pile that is kids, husband, Hazy Shade of Winter by S&G, and the typical storm of 50 million things in my head.

Drat, forgot it was Tuesday

Came by so the kids could see Paw-paw, but dad's at art class today. Oops.

The kids are asleep in the back seat. I'm sitting in the car running the battery down listening to the radio and trying to charge my cellphone some.

I thought of the COOLEST web application ever. You know how you can go to maps.yahoo.com and get driving directions from point a to point b? Wouldn't it be awesome for geeks like us to be able to put that into a program and have it tell us what NPR stations are along the way? Because I have to say, it really stinks when you're in the middle of listening to some great discussion on NPR, and then you lose the radio signal, and you don't know what the next NPR station is (assuming there is one!) and have to hunt around and hope you run into it before you miss too much...

I don't know if I mentioned that I had to bury my parents' cat Shadow a little while back. My family has always gotten their pets by fate dumping them on our doorsteps. Evidently fate has informed the ether that my parents are petless, because a cat has shown up at their house. Not just shown up at the house, but run into the house uninvited! Mom managed to lure it outside with a bowl of food, but of course that means that it now comes back regularly. It jumps from the porch railing to hang on the kitchen window screen and ask for food.

The wedding this past weekend and the long trip to and from gave me & J a long time to talk and think - I've decided to go back to school. I'm going to finish my bachelor's degree - my friend Robin suggested Interdisciplinary Sciences which would lead in perfectly to what I'm thinking about doing afterwards. I'm still shy about talking about it, but I'm really excited.

So I'm now going to go do some research on what's available in terms of online classes, financial aid, etc. etc. etc.... Donations welcome!

Speechless

It's not often that you catch me at a loss for words. Seeing Erin in her wedding dress was one of those times. Watching the look on Matthew's face when he saw her for the first time as she walked down the aisle. It happened a lot today, actually.

Best. Wedding. EVER.

I have to say, I wish I had girlfriends like these bridesmaids. What an incredible group of intelligent, mature, sane, hysterically funny and pretty darn attractive chicks! I'm seriously thinking about trying to keep in touch with them. The groomsmen were great, too - Moira took a shine to Michael immediately, for which I don't blame her. George warmed up into an amazing sweetie, and Evan and his new wife were adorable. I heard that the three or them at one point were singing Harvard fight songs - George is evidently a piano virtuoso, and they were doing 3 part harmonies - I would have LOVED to be there for that! It was even great fun hanging out with Dustin again - as J says, he's a great guy; J can only take him in small doses. I can understand that. :) Catherine was there - I've gotta spend more time with her when we get back to Tally. And Sarah! Geez; I wish I'd spent more time with her in high school!

I've never been so honored to be a part of something. The preacher was awesome; J & I are sad he's all the way up here in St. Louis! So hard to find a preacher you like, you know? The church was GORGEOUS, and the place where the reception was held was incredible. The entire bridal party rode to the reception in a limo! That was great fun. A whole weekend of firsts for me! First time in St. Louis, first time as a bridesmaid, first time in a limo, first time at a head table... no snow, but I'm actually okay with that. There will be other opportunities.

The kids were awesome. Charmed the pants off just about everybody. Incredibly patient and laid back. And fucking adorable, if I do say so myself. The evening was a little more complicated with them, but everybody was very generous and accommodating and so it wasn't a gigantic issue. At the end of it all, though, I was so exhausted that it took me a while to walk to the car in the parking lot when we left. J was an enormous help with the kids; I am so lucky to have such a good partner.

I can't wait to see the pictures. We're probably taking the kids to the zoo here tomorrow (they've got some really nifty stuff here it sounds like!) and then we're heading back to Tennessee. Flying would have been less complicated, but then we wouldn't have been able to see J's grandparents, which is wonderful. It's really nice to be able to spend time with them when it's not Christmas and there aren't 30 people there. :)

It's 8am my time (so 7am here) and I'm going to try to go back to sleep. I'm still pretty exhausted. I would have loved to get together with Catherine et al when they got back to the hotel, but I was having trouble standing upright, I was that tired.

Oh, and BTW - J looked incredibly handsome in his tux. I wasn't too bad either, I'm told.

I forgot what I was going to say...

In St. Louis. Having a great time. Had some amazingly cool thought I wanted to share whilst driving up. Can't remember it right now. Maybe after getting some rest it'll come back to me.

I'm so excited about tomorrow!!!! I can't wait.

snnnnzzzzxxxxxx

Yet another reason why I need to get back into chorus

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5159728

Happy MLKJr Day

Yesterday I attempted my first baked good with gluten-free flour. I used soy flour for peanut butter cookies. Big hit! Both J & Patrick loved them. They tasted better cooked than raw, actually - that raw soy taste is a bit overwhelming.

Good day yesterday. J picked up some rye wasa at the store and came back to feed me smoked salmon, cream cheese & capers on wasa for breakfast. Yummmmmm. And mimosas!

The house is mostly clean, too - there's some clutter from the kids yesterday that I need to jump on before it multiplies. Our bedroom is a disaster area, but I'm hoping to work on that today. I really want my desk cleaned off so I can work at it!

So if you'd like to come over & play, please do - I'm carless today, and I'm thinking about making a big southern breakfast.

Wooohoo! drunk post!

What a wonderful night. Patrick bought me a bottle of Riesling. All for myself. That and a glass (or more, as J says Patrick kept refilling it) of red and I am hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

Duck. Duck yummy. Clusters & Hops, wow. LAVOSH!

Going to snuggle with little boy. No nursing!

Is it 2006 already?

Time flies when you're alive.

I lay here on the bed on my stomach; my incredibly wonderful cat curled up between my arms & the laptop, listening to my sleeping son breathe a foot away, reading what I hope is not a trainwreck in progress.

I'm turning thirty one this year. Some days I look back on my past and wonder who that woman - girl? - was. Some days I know all too well. There are things about me that are nothing like my former self, and things that I wonder if they'll ever change, as they haven't yet.

Many people when getting to know me now find it mind boggling that I had been married three times before I was thirty. People who have known me for 10+ years probably aren't all that surprised. I forget who called me a serial monogamist. In those three marriages (and intermittent affairs and mini-relationships) since I was 15 or so, I have pretty much run the gamut. I'm very glad to be where I am, and not where I was. There is plenty that I'd change, if I had it to do over again - but those experiences have helped make me who I am today, and I'm actually pretty happy with who I am today, so who knows...

So as I read, I relive my past experiences, and think to myself "yeah, I remember that.... I remember that.... I remember being there.... god, I hope the pattern breaks down at some point." I'm crossing my fingers that this time it will turn out differently.

Crossing my fingers, but not holding my breath.

Good luck, everybody. I hope you beat the odds. You're welcome to chat with me either way.

Great.

There's nothing quite like starting the day by your three year old saying to you as you're getting into the shower "You're fat!"


*sigh*

I've almost recovered from it.

Between that, and putting on the bridesmaid's dress I'm wearing in oh, 11 days, it was an ego destroying day. I've decided to eat nothing but salad and yoghurt until I go to St. Louis.

And not look at any more pictures of myself when I was 19.

Take it down a notch

Part of having Borderline Personality Disorder is a tendency to take things to extremes. (Those of you who know me are going "No shit, sherlock!") I have a very hard time disengaging from the woes of the world. Lately I've gotten much better, but when adolescence hit, I agonized over food I didn't eat because of starving people in the world, took turns weeping and railing in fury over injustices I saw everywhere, tore myself up over trying to figure out if people could change, and wondering overall what the hell was wrong with people.

My counselor says I take too much ownership of things. So does my mother-in-law, actually.

For a while I'd swung back in the other direction, at least in some ways. I became a hedonistic, mostly selfish person who had moments of extreme self-loathing, and other moments of extreme overextending myself for other people in some sort of effort to compensate. (You notice the extreme theme here again, yes?)

Anyway, I wasn't planning on getting into all this. Having a loving, stable relationship with a husband who is at the same time patient but not a doormat has helped me level out somewhat. (As has Zoloft, woohoo.) Having two children to focus on helps too.

The current administration and recent news does not help at all.

I wish Billy Joel would update his "We Didn't Start the Fire" song - think of the verses he could come up with with all the crap going on right now! Iraq, the WMDs that weren't, DeLay, Abramoff, Valerie Plame, NSA spying domestically - and this doesn't include the millions of small idiocies and scandals that fly under the radar. I think I'm developing an ulcer.

I'm reminding myself that I have things to take care of, but that voice in my head that so frequently manages to find something wrong with me says that I should be doing more.

I was writing this post to try to calm my fury. I've succeeded in smothering it into the cold ashes of tired semi-depression. I'm not sure that's an improvement.

Happy New Year, everybody

It's only the fifth, and it's alerady been a hectic year. Or it feels like it to me, anyway. I am once more reminded of my intense desire to have twelve or so of me to get everything done. I'm hoping that my attempts at organizing the household and reminding myself what is and is not a reasonable expectation will improve my sanity this year.

I had an interesting dream night before last... two old schoolmates from middle school were in it, and in the dream they were the kind of close friends I've always wanted. I felt totally comfortable with them, we knew we cared about each other, we were mature, dependable people - no baggage, no drama, no bullshit. We remembered each others' birthdays, likes, dislikes, spouses' birthdays, children's ages...

My counselor reminds me that these years are the hardest; young children, buying a house, etc.