Very seldom do I drink myself to the point of unawareness. It's looking very attractive at the moment. I guess I'll do the next best thing, as I can't remove myself from my responsibilities today (too many other people need me for things for me to become incapacitated) I'll immerse myself in stupid facebook games and see if I can forget the things that are overwhelming me right now. Maybe meds will alter body chemistry enough for me to get control of the inside of my own head soon.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Lost
So I sit here, falling apart. Kids are watching a movie. Got hung up on by my mom when I told her that I wasn't going to be at the hospital to take care of dad for another half an hour to an hour. Worried I'm drifting away; I spend most of my free time trying to escape reality. Reality and neurotic worries not letting me rest today. Recent nightmares join with old hurts and push me over the edge. I'm so tired. Difference between now & 12 years ago - I can see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm no longer worried that all there is for me is tunnel. However, I feel like I'm in a tunnel and out of control of my life. I'm living reactively, rather than proactively - letting other people and things control the speed of travelling through the tunnel. I'm losing myself. I think I have a path, a future - but how do I get there? Have I started? Am I going the right way? Or am I, as it seems so often, just treading water? My partner is living, learning - will I lose him? There's not much of me that's being shared, or worth sharing at the moment. Living in limbo, always waiting for something else to happen before I can do x, y or z. I think lately I've been looking for a house to buy because I'm desperately trying to find some aspect of my life that I control. Not doing a good job with my kids; they're almost always late to school, haven't been helping with homework or music practice; crappy at having lunches packed or making breakfast (or any meal), haven't been a good example of working around the house, haven't taken them outside enough. Just remembered I'm in a class; haven't done homework or read discussion board - completely forgot. At what point do I realize that I'm living now, and not waiting for some ineffable sign that my life has started? Will I always be this tired? Is it lack of sleep or depression? Or sleep apnea? Or laziness?
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2 comments:
Lack of sleep can exacerbate depression too. Have you tried melatonin? It helps you drift off and stay down though, for some reason, it gives vivid dreams.
In your copious free time (haha, I know) you might try visiting a counselor; it would probably be $20-$25 a session after insurance. Unloading all this on someone who a) has dealt with people going through all this before and b) has no vested interest in the situation might be helpful. (It was for me.)
Whatever you do, best of luck and I hope life gets better for you soon.
I'm going through a lot of the same things. I'm hopefully getting a sleep apnea dental appliance, it's called Snoreguard? I couldn't do the mask thing.
I've found a good thing to try is just take little bites. Focus on one thing, and don't worry if you can't get the whole project done. Just keep chipping away.
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