What, is there a blog still here?

I found this draft as I posted the last entry... I think it was from about a year ago. The more things change, the more they stay the same...

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It's been a bumpy ride. Being bipolar makes everything 200% more difficult, I think. I read about other supermoms who make their kids decorative bento lunches every day, and keep the house clean & the laundry done, and work, and have hobbies, and do it all while suffering from IBS or Crohn's disease or something, and think "why the hell can't I do that?" I don't know if it's because I'm undisciplined, or lazy, or because so much of the time I'm just barely holding myself together with baling wire and string that I'm doing good to keep kids alive and fed and not lose my job...

I can't even type this without falling apart. Doesn't help that I'm somewhat hormonal; this week frequently sucks. It should be interesting when I go to see the psychiatrist... I doubt I'm going to be able to be coherent, which is going to suck, because sometimes I get the feeling he's reading me wrong. Yeah, I'm bipolar - but in the last several years, trust me, depression has had the upper hand. The few manic spikes I've had haven't even lasted a full day (which sucks; I feel like I can actually get things DONE then).

The interesting thing is that there are these times (I used to call them the plateau moments) where it seems I can see clearly all around me, and I'm confident (not overly so) and functional... it feels like a long time since I've had one of those.

My life is a lot less insane than it used to be - but I seem to be managing it less well. My list of things I'm doing at the same time is down to two: working, and being mom-shuttle. I'm not taking care of dad or my aunt any more... I'm not currently taking classes... I'm not singing in the chorus... so why do I feel like my life is so incredibly out of control and unmanageable? It might be that because I'm not stretched anywhere near as thin as I used to be, I'm thinking about all the stuff I SHOULD be doing, that I'm not.

I'm not singing, or learning another language, or bringing up my children to be fluent in multiple languages, or feeding my children organic, no artificial color or flavor foods, or doing any sort of hobby (pottery, jewelry making, quilts, scrapbooking, knitting, crocheting, cross-stitching, drawing, sculpture...) or making my house the spotless relaxing place I want it to be

Of course, I could get off my ass and stop whining online and go work.