Am I thirty already?

Yes, you dope, and you're going to be thirty-one this year.

I was checking my email just a second ago and, getting nothing, (not even spam, amazingly) remembered when I was working for the Department of Labor... I was practically running a mailing list out of my cubicle. It had started off as a Gaelic language list, and a few of us had gotten too chatty, so we created a side list for off-topic conversations. I had a lot of what I would call friends on that list... one of them sent me a stained glass shamrock that I gave to Uncle Patrick this year. What sort of scares me is that I don't remember any of their names. In fact, were I to read my emails back and forth to them, not only would I not remember them, I wouldn't remember saying the things I'd typed.

I know this, not because I have any of those old emails, but because when I Google myself, I find myself popping up on messageboards and having conversations that I have no recollection of. NONE. Usually I'll remember having been active on that board, and having conversations/arguments - but none of the topics will ring any bells.

My brain works almost entirely on association. Take the trip home from swimming at Maclay today - we stopped at the grocery store; J & M went in - C was asleep in the back seat, so he & I just hung out in the car. I was entering data on the really nifty gift J had gotten as a handmedown technology gift and given to me (he knew I'd love it - it's an iPaq) and was entering John's info, having been thinking of him earlier (because he's a sweetie and is watching my kids for me while I go to a psych appt.) I actually had his birthday and his & Robin's anniversary in my phone calendar, and so then started entering Robin's info next. When J got back in the car, out of the blue (to him) I asked if Robin had gotten the Dean of Students job yet. Actually, I'm not even sure if I said "Dean of Students", I might just have said "job" - I forget that people I'm talking to haven't been privy to my train of thought. Needless to say, it took him a few moments of WTF? to catch up to where I was. The point of this little vignette was to show that for outsiders, even if it SOUNDS like I just made a comment out of left field on Mars, I actually DID have a path that got me there.

And the point of mentioning that was to say that even when I read these old arguments, 9 times out of 10 they don't trigger that kind of memory reflex. I'm thinking it might be scorched earth - times of extreme emotional stress blank out parts of my brain. I'm wondering if I'll ever get those memories back, or if they're gone for good...

Did I have a point? I'm not sure. I was a basket case last night and again this afternoon/early evening - I'm guessing it's PMS, as it's getting towards the end of the month. Last night I'd asked Patrick for a humongous favor - to let me practice face painting on him. (J having a beard, that kinda made using him more difficult.) I'd talked to Moira's teacher Nancy and since I used to draw things on the kids' hands every day at the end of school, but hadn't done it in weeks, I wanted to do something kinda special before they left - she said it would be great if I came Thursday and I could do painting then. So I've been perusing face painting sites; getting ideas and tips and looking at step-by-step instructions, and was getting kind of excited about it... which might explain why when Patrick basically laughed incredulously and said hell no, I was more upset than one would assume. (That and I had run out of patience earlier with children, and was getting somewhat emotional - not a good mix, that.) I forget if it were he or J that said that it just didn't sound like something that would be any fun for them. I said well, then the next time either of you asks me for a favor, if it doesn't sound like something that I might remotely enjoy, then you can both fuck off.

Emotional much? Yeah. I put the kids to bed and then stayed in the back by myself. J later told me that he was proud of me for telling him that I just couldn't be around people right now, and taking myself off the bench, so to speak - several years ago I wouldn't have been able to do that. He's right - not that it made me feel enormously better at the time, mind you. J said that game night with P went well and that they had a lot of fun, which I was glad to hear, because god knows I wasn't in the mood. [Stef, btw, I'm talking about Dungeons and Dragons gaming, I forgot I'd never clarified that for you. Yes, we are übergeeks.]

For those of you interested in face painting, there are some adorable and fricking amazing ones here.

It's now 2:07am, and I can't believe I'm still futzing around with my webpage and half watching old West Wings with J. I guess I'll sleep when I'm dead.