Surrounded by children

Am sitting here in the living room.

Which is now cleaned out and cleaned up and not stacked chest high with stuff anymore, by the way. Thank you, darling husband.

Listening to mom & dad in the kitchen.

Dad was looking in the meat compartment. Bitching out loud to himself, as usual. (Usually it's yelling at the television - yesterday he was watching something talking about Obama & Hillary and he was shouting bible verses - the one about those with ears let them hear - at the tv. I called the doctor and have a prescription for xanax now.) Anyway, dad was looking for lunchmeat. Turkey, specifically. We happen to be out, and there's a lot of sausage in there. Mom's in there cleaning & unloading dishwasher. He said something about there not being any lunchmeat and I piped up that there was corned beef. So mom asks him, do you want corned beef? Back and forth, dad is like well, there's nothing else. Mom is like it's a yes or no question. Dad is like, well, I WANT turkey. Mom's like well, we don't HAVE turkey, we have corned beef, or you could have cheese, or tuna, what do you want? Dad says oh, just hand me the plates. (To put away in the cabinet.)

Mom finally had the contractor over, and has given him the go-ahead. Who knows, we may actually get the house fixed before dad dies. Or I die. Of course, we have to pick out tile and fixtures and whatnot - and considering mom has spent days - DAYS - looking at cell phones, and researching them, and going to the store to work with them hands on, only to finally order one and decide she doesn't like it and is going to return it - there's no telling how long it will take to get the house done.

It's a wonder I'm not a raging alcoholic. The amount of hand-holding is taking a mental toll. Mom wanted me to come back to her room to take a look at her new phone (a blackberry) because the ball wasn't acting the way the one in the store was, and could I take a look at it. (This was Thursday night.) I told her I was going to go spend some time with my husband, as I'd not spent a whole lot of time with him lately, and that she'd have me all day tomorrow during the day (Friday) as my office is closed Friday and I wasn't going to be working. She was pissy the rest of the night. Snapping at people, etc.

I'm trying desperately to break the cycle. I already have more bad habits from my mother than I care to admit. My husband, bless him, is good about standing up for himself and calling me on my bullshit. I don't appreciate it at the TIME, but I do appreciate it. I don't want my daughter to grow up with the same problems.

Watching the physical and mental deterioration of my parents is difficult. Some days I handle it better than others. On days like today - well, today I'm not handling anything well. Last night I got back from going to Home Depot and looking at tile and bathroom vanities with my mother, and crawled into bed in a dark room and laid there for the rest of the night. This morning I took my medicine, but it's not helped a whole lot. I don't know if I'm ramping up for my period or what, but this depression is getting old. It's been worse than usual the last few months. It could have something to do with the fact that I'm living in a room with three other people (two of whom are under 6 years old) and a rotting house full of garbage and two adults who frequently act like children with a job that's getting consistently more complex and time consuming (I'm now on the 'statewide data committee', how's that for taking up more time than the excruciatingly-part-time-secretary job that I thought I had? That's what I get for being intelligent and competent, ha.) and that I'm still paying off old debts and the car needs new tires and brakes and oh god stop the world spinning I WANT TO GET OFF


But on the bright side, I've gotten to do some wonderful things lately (my alarm just went off on my computer, and it's playing the Testament of Freedom that I got to sing at the Kennedy Center, that's a wonderful memory - and we get to sing at Carnegie Hall in 2010, and Prague in 2012!!!) - for example, I just finished a week long rowing camp - I learned how to row long skinny boats! Got the bruises to prove it, too. Ow. And I have a roof over my head, and food to eat, and two awesome kids and a husband whose patience will become legendary - so what am I complaining for? ;)

I'm going to go take a shower. Water always makes me feel better.


*edit*
The shower was nice - the adult time was even better. Got two hours to go bowl with my husband and all the people from his office.

I have to say, though - coming home to sit in the living room with the kids and having my daughter show me how good she is at feeding Gnocci (pbskids.org) while dad sits in his chair watching tv (which he does about 15 hours a day) and bitching about how loud the kids are...

they're your grandchildren. DO SOMETHING WITH THEM.

Even YOUR DOCTOR recommended you do things with them, for chrissake!

I managed not to snap at him this time. I have snapped at him in the past. (Something like "sure, because your television is SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than your grandchildren" as I stomped off. It made no difference.)