Temporary insanity

The Depo shots have evened me out quite a bit, it seems. I do still have a couple of days at the end of the month that get rough, however - when the normal menstrual cycle would start. Today is April 29th. I'm at the point that a little voice inside my head is screaming "shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up!!!!" almost every time somebody says something.

Mom may get out of the hospital on Monday. They think they've got the diagnosis right, finally - pyoderma gangrenosum. It took a week & a half to rule everything else out, basically.

I try to ignore dad when he mutters "nigger blah blah blah" when Barack Obama is on television. I've not heard him say it in front of the kids again, so that's some progress.

I'm currently in the strange position of taking care of my parents - but I don't know if they need me to step in and take over, and take care of them, and I'm pretty sure they're not at the place where they WANT me to step in and take over. Part of me says I should just go ahead and move out, but then I'd be driving over all the time anyway... although there's that voice in my head that asks why drive over all the time? Either they're able to take care of themselves or they aren't...

I'm going to play rummy cubes and ignore the world for a little while. (I found a mac rummy cubes game! woohoo!) Hope all of you are doing well. Go have a cup of tea.

News from Iraq

While listening to the news from the war in Iraq today, I wished momentarily that I was still friends with somebody from my high school drama group so I could call them up and say "Good fences make good neighbors!" and have them reply "Good neighbors make good fences!"

You had to be there.

This says it much better than I do

I had started this huge long post about grief vultures and how people will watch nonstop news coverage of something like the shootings at Virginia Tech and had started to collect other disasters that don't get this kind of attention (Darfur, tsunamis, Somalia, Ethiopia, Congo, etc.) and then found this at ThinkProgress:

University of Michigan Professor Juan Cole pointed out last night on PBS’s Newshour:

Remember that we’re all concerned, as we should be, about these events at Virginia Tech today. In Iraq this is a daily event. Imagine how horrible it would be if this kind of massacre were occurring every single day. And the people of Iraq feel that either the Americans are not stopping it or they’re actually causing it.

******EDIT*******

And then I found one of the comics I read has created a visual! Here ya go:

This is what I live with.

So the little boy & I sit down at the table to have breakfast. Dad has already finished eating and is reading the newspaper.

Dad says, somewhat to himself, "What a burden on the taxpayers..."
I say "You know, it's funny - I'll look at government programs that cost $85 million, and think DAMN that's a lot of money... and then I remember that they spend more than that on one plane."
Dad - "huh?" (yes, he has his hearing aid in)
I say "They spend more than 85 million dollars on ONE PLANE."

There is quiet for a bit while C & I eat.

Dad then says "You know, these programs trying to get rid of poverty... the Lord says we'll always have the poor with us."
I say "Yeah, but that's no reason not to try."

After a pause, I ask "Is that something Jesus said? I mean, in a red-letter bible, would that be in red text? Or is it just somewhere in the Bible?"
Dad replies "I'm not sure, it's somewhere in the Bible... there's a lot in the Bible."
I say "Yeah, it says you should stone people in the Bible, so forgive me for not going by it."

There is quiet for another little bit.

Dad then says "I forget where it says something about when women start dressing like men... maybe Revelations..." (Where the hell did this come from? I happen to be wearing a dress...)
I say "Yeah, and it also says that when a woman is menstruating she can't live with her family and has to go somewhere else because she's unclean."

(I was honestly hoping he was going to say something else about what teh Bible says, so I could reply with the point that the Bible says not to eat pork, either, and I'd not seen dad turning down the bacon lately.)

There is quiet again temporarily. Then dad says "You know what makes me angry? These addicts, these drunks, that lose their families, their jobs, their homes, and then expect the taxpayer to feed them and clothe them."
I say "Well, if we would get over ourselves and start treating it like the illness it is rather than a character flaw, there would probably be a lot less homeless people." (I have to repeat that for him.)
Dad - "You think it's an illness??! Pfft." (waves his hand dismissively, then proceeds to tell me a story of one of the guys he was in the army with who would repeatedly go get STINKING drunk, and dad would cart him back to the tent, and the guy would say "Boy, I wish I could be like you and stop drinking when it felt good!" And dad replied "You CAN!")
I say "Okay, given the choice between an addict or drunk continuing to drink, losing their job, their family, their house, and becoming homeless - and giving a person help so they stay productive members of society, which would you choose?"
Dad replies "Well, if helping them would DO anything..."
I say "well, that's the problem - we're not trying. It's like mental illness. I'm a mentally ill person. Is it an illness, or a character flaw? How do we treat it?"
Dad says "Mentally ill people should be in institutions where they can get treatment."
I stand up with my empty plate and say "Thanks, you can sign me up for one when you get around to it!" and take it to the kitchen, then on my way back past the table push my chair in. (Yes, I'm angry.)
Dad says "That's the problem with you! You fly off the handle! You've got this fiery temper!"
I interrupt him to say "Where do you think I got THAT from?"
He continues "You can't talk to you about anything!"
I get in his face and say, with quieter controlled anger, "Dad - I just told you I am a mentally ill person. You reply with 'mentally ill people should be put in institutions.' What am I supposed to take away from that??"
He makes a dismissive gesture with his hands and says "Oh, you're not mentally ill."


This is when I lose it.

I start shouting at him. "Oh, sure. Two suicide attempts and everything else, but I'm not mentally ill, I should just get over it, right? It's just a character flaw!"

J calms me down and talks to me after I storm out of the room with Dad. I told J that what I should have said when Dad said that you can't talk to me is "well, if the things you said weren't stupid, bigoted and uninformed, I would be able to talk!" He laughed and agreed. He said that I should tell dad that the plane my brother-in-law is on in the Air Force costs $100,000 to run for (I think) 12 hours - that's just the cost in fuel. damn.

The more time I spend with my father, the less I like him. Misogynistic, bigoted old fart. Love him, but don't like him.

If anybody would like to make my husband an incredible-I-can't-refuse job offer somewhere out of state, I'd like an excuse to move away...

OOOOOOOOOOOO

I am seriously, SERIOUSLY thinking of springing for one of these.



My birthday is coming up in a few months, anybody feel like giving me a present?

Book Club Meeting

Not that there's a book club or anything, but have any of you read Imperial Hubris - Why The West Is Losing The War On Terror?

I'm currently on page 75. Anybody want to pick it up and read along with me so as to discuss it?

How's life with y'all?

I feel like I've not posted in forever. I've been busy doing other things - laundry, taking kids to gymnastics, grocery shopping, running errands for everybody... typical stay-at-home mom stuff.

I've also been kind of busy reading the news...

Iran has released the British servicemen/women. That's good. I'm hoping that the retired FBI agent who disappeared from an island belonging to Iran doesn't become a casus belli. Haven't heard a whole lot about the U.S. Attorney kerfuffle in the last few days. McCain took a trip to Iraq and went shopping. Bush is trying to get into a pissing fight with congress about the Iraq supplemental bill - first about going on vacation - and then leaves for the ranch himself. And about how many days it's taking them to pass the bill. Why isn't Feingold running for president? Let's draft him rather than Al Gore. Why is Cheney lurking in the bushes? That sounded like an odd metaphor. The Supreme Court ruled that the EPA has it in its power to regulate emissions that cause global warming. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Inhofe. We're supporting guerrilla raids into Iran (which surprises me none). The FBI has been spying on us all (which also surprises me none), even war protesters. Josh Wolf got out of jail finally. David Hicks is going to jail... for 9 months... and Cheney might have had something to do with it?


The list is enormous and there's no way I can even list them all. I have to say, though, I LOVE these: George W. Bush Scandals & Fuckups Collectors Plate Series.

I'm going to go play with my son.

Yo Todd, got this shirt yet?

I've found a new artist

He's not new, but he's new to me. I like his stuff. Reminds me of Dali. Mark Ryden. Check him out.

Public Service Announcement

Not like I have a lot of public, but for those of you out there with cats & dogs, check your food - some have died, some have simply gotten sick (kidney failure, I think they said). Pass the word.

http://menufoods.com/recall/

More news on the "I told you so" front

Mortgage Report Rattles Markets

A national survey showing that a soaring number of homeowners failed to make their mortgage payments in the last quarter of 2006 rattled lawmakers in Washington and the markets in New York yesterday, as the Dow Jones industrial average plummeted 2 percent, or nearly 243 points.

The report, which sent every major stock market indicator tumbling when it was released at noon, revealed that the problems in the market for "subprime" mortgages -- loans made to home buyers with blemished credit histories -- might be spilling over to the broader mortgage industry, analysts said.

Okay, just had to stick that in there. Was reading a blog entry titled "Study Proves Other People Are Even Worse Than We Thought" which made me laugh out loud. You'll have to watch the animation. So I may end up adopting a new catchphrase. "You're just vilifying a triangle!" and "You're just championing a triangle - jerk!"

Now I happened to be chatting with my ex-husband (#2, I don't keep in touch with #1) while reading this, and sent him the link to the animation, and then the article. He didn't anthropomorphize the triangles at ALL. Very interesting! I remember him telling me that on the thinking/feeling psych test he scored 100% thinking, which was unusual. He's an unusual guy. :)

Off to watch The Daily Show. Ciao!

Okay, maybe more people should be listening to me.

Okay, this is a big I TOLD YOU SO post. Except nobody was listening to me the first time (I mean, my babu was listening, but he doesn't make foreign policy or anything) so this won't feel as satisfying as it could.

I said back in 2003 that invading Iraq would lead to a huge mess, and accurately identified large chunks of the mess that have now resulted.

I said months and months ago that mortgage lenders were going to start going under because of all the people losing their homes & foreclosing. And here's the news.

"New Century may be insolvent because too many of its own customers -- most of whom have poor credit histories or heavy debt burdens -- aren't repaying their loans. Bad U.S. subprime mortgages are at a seven-year high, forcing more than two dozen lenders to close or sell operations. Their woes may contribute to more than 1.5 million Americans losing their homes and 100,000 people losing their jobs, according to real estate executives, economists, analysts and a Federal Reserve governor."

Eh, enough of I told you so's. No satisfaction.

I'm reading horror stories about how soldiers unfit for duty are being sent back to Iraq. I don't just mean the mentally unfit ones, the ones suffering from PTSD or depression or whatever - 'cause after all, they're not REALLY sick, right? *growl* - No, I'm talking about the soldiers who are PHYSICALLY UNFIT FOR DUTY ACCORDING TO PHYSICIANS.

As the military scrambles to pour more soldiers into Iraq, a unit of the Army's 3rd Infantry Division at Fort Benning, Ga., is deploying troops with serious injuries and other medical problems, including GIs who doctors have said are medically unfit for battle. Some are too injured to wear their body armor, according to medical records.

About those mentally unfit ones being redeployed - those are the ones that survived. Heard an interview on Fresh Air today about the special report done by Lisa Chedekel and Matthew Kauffman of The Hartford Courant (they're getting the George Polk Award for it): Mentally Unfit, Forced to Fight. Listening to the horror stories of suicidal soldiers who were told that they were faking it, or given antidepressants and told to get back to work - who then went off and shot themselves...

"In a case last July, a 20-year-old soldier who had written a suicide note to his mother was relieved of his gun and referred for a psychological evaluation, but then was accused of faking his mental problems and warned he could be disciplined, according to what he told his family. Three weeks later, after his gun had been handed back, Pfc. Jason Scheuerman, of Lynchburg, Va., used it to end his life."

He's only one of many. As a person who has been suicidal before, who has attempted before, who has been hospitalized for psychiatric reasons - this makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. It makes me weep. It makes me want to take the officials responsible for this out behind a barn and hurt them in creative ways.

I don't think I can read any more news tonight.

This got me thinking

Just started seeing a new counselor guy. I think I like him; we'll see. One of the questions he asked me in our first meeting, while typical, ended up surprising me. He asked me how high school was for me.

Pure, unadulterated, hell.

Why?

And then I had to think for a moment. Why WAS it that bad? I had a couple of good friends. I wasn't popular, but most of us weren't popular in high school. My experiences with fucktard husband #1 (the guy who said that I was lucky he was dating me because nobody else would) certainly put a damper on things - hard to enjoy yourself when you're in a relationship with a moron like that, and too stupid yourself to realize you should have set the guy on fire after the FIRST time he pulled some bullshit. That blows a good chunk of my time; sophomore thru senior year wasted on him. I occasionally wonder how my life would have been different had I known enough to not get involved with him.

But other than that, I felt different. No, DIFFERENT. In middle school I had been part of the "Misfit's Club" - those kids that weren't friends with anybody else. People have always called me weird, or strange. I've always been very emotional - kids stomping on bugs bothered me. Talking about people starving in the world reduced me to tears. I loved to learn. I think my favorite class was Humanities - the way everything in the world is interconnected is one of the things that makes me just vibrate with passion. But the stuff other kids in high school talked about just didn't make any sense to me. I wasn't interested in sports, I liked music but wasn't a rabid fan of anybody (I listened to the Beatles and Simon & Garfunkel mostly, for chrissakes) and my sense of fashion was unusual, to put it mildly. Brand names meant nothing to me. I loved to sing, and was constantly irritated by the people in chorus who were there for two years just for the credit requirement. I always thought that in my junior & senior year, those people would go off and do something else and leave the chorus to those of us perfectionists that were passionately interested in it. (It was a great disappointment when they stuck around - that's largely why I quit chorus my junior year and joined band. Another mistake.) I didn't think I was attractive. (I look back now and say "Holy Shit! Damn, I'd have done me!")

I'm rambling. I do that a lot. To myself and out loud, too, so Hex isn't the only one. This stupid navel gazing sometimes tires me. I keep doing it because I'm trying to find out what's wrong with me. Or, failing that, I'm trying to find coping mechanisms so I can live with myself. (And let other people live with me; being married with two kids kinda blows my hermit option.)

Maybe I over-think things. I'm going to go do something else.

It's a good thing neither J nor I are sympathetic vomiters.

But I have to say, if I get thrown up on one more time, I'm going to lose what tenuous hold on sanity I have.

Sitting & reading

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We sold the house!

WOOOHOOOO!

Everything else pretty much is the same.

just had to jot this down before I forgot

Because this is so cute...

C was eating a pickle, and he'd taken two or three bites out of the side. He held it up and said "look! A rollercoaster! The boy goes here, and here, and here!"

okay, going to sleep now. Hope you all had a happy buy-flowers-and-chocolate day last week.

Sunday night, doing laundry...

Taking a break from housework 'cause my back hurts (yes I do housework) J showed me something really nifty.

Ryan, now that you're done with your cranes, you should start on this.

Let me get this straight - we're in desperate need of foreign language speakers in the armed forces, especially Middle Eastern languages, but the armed forces have fired more than 300 linguists because they don't like their sexual preferences??? It's crap like this that makes me think the American empire deserves to be taken off its pedestal.

A word to the wise: do not allow Civ 4 in your house.

I'm NOT getting excited. I'm NOT.

Or at least I'm trying not to.

We assumed that the house went up for auction on January 10th. I cancelled the insurance policy effective that date, and we went about our daily lives.

Got a letter from the mortgage company saying "hey, you don't have insurance on your house, what's the deal?" So I called them. I informed them that as far as _I_ knew, we didn't OWN the house anymore. They looked up the info and said well, no, actually, maybe the judge's docket was full or something, but it's still listed in active foreclosure....

Whatever. Told them we didn't want the house. Had been trying to sell it. They were welcome to it.

Got a letter from a woman in town who made sure to mention that she wasn't an investment buyer, she just wanted to know if she could buy our house, she was a local person. I called her on a whim.

Today, handed her a signed contract of intent to sell; we're waiting on the mortgage company's lawyers to give us the payoff amount, and then (assuming she doesn't find anything horrible about the house between now & then) we'll go to closing. She's paying off everything - fees, taxes, etc. - we'll just walk away clean.

I'm not getting excited until I'm there at closing. I'm definitely not going to mention it to my parents; I'll just avoid all that BS. (I can hear my mother now... "shouldn't you try to get some money from it? You signed the contract??! Don't you think you should have a lawyer look at it first? Who are these people? " argh.)

I'm glad my husband takes good care of me. I'd be in a mental institution by now if he didn't. If I don't eat regularly I completely start to fall apart. I'd last eaten around noon, and it was 6:30pm, and I was at the 'fuck everything what's the point' stage.

Oh, and because we've cancelled our homeowner's insurance, we lost that discount, and our insurance payment has actually GONE UP. Wtf.

Odd

I've just discovered that I'm not getting emails of my comments... noticed I had comments I'd never seen. Hrm. Probably the spam filter. Wonder if I've missed anything else?

There's not much going on. M didn't get thrown out of school. There HAS been a new policy enacted at the school; we now have to walk around to the BACK of the building to pick up and drop off our children. Not sure what good this does; maybe they have cameras, as J suggested? ~shrug~

Everything else that's been going on has been mental. I'm stressed out. Quelle surprise. I don't know how my sister-in-law managed to go all that time living in other people's houses and not go totally mental. My hat goes off to you, woman.

I'm sure there was something productive I was planning on doing when I got onto a computer that could get online. (Did I mention the antenna in my iBook seems to be dying?) But if there was something I meant to do, or needed to do, I can't remember what it is right now.