Have I mentioned this yet?

I'm sort of half-assedly looking for a job. I've been out of the rat race for four years now, and it's a little disconcerting. I've not yet been able to find the old resumé that has dates of employment and whatnot, so I have only vague recollections about when I worked where. ("Lessee... I was working there right after high school but before I got married, so that must have been in 1994...")

I've been having pretty severe memory problems - my psych nurse points out that during times of high stress and not enough sleep that you're not likely to have a decently functioning memory. Looking back on the last 15 years, I realize that I've been under a lot of stress (99% of which was self inflicted, but the source doesn't matter) and rarely get enough sleep, so it's no wonder that large portions of my past are blanks. Disconcerting, yes. Surprising? No. My memory works by association, so if it's jogged, sometimes I can dredge something out of the darkness - but some periods of time are just gone.

How did I get off on that tangent? Anyway, I'm finding myself dealing with my old habits of self-destructiveness in the workplace. I'm talking myself out of applying for jobs. Amazingly enough, I've only been fired twice. One of those was a "we're not working out" at the 6 month period at a state job, so it was only a semi-firing. (At least that's what I tell myself, ha ha.) The other one was being let go from a consulting firm after sending the president of the company an email that informed him that the raging bitch that I think was my boss at the time was a detriment to his company, as she caused personnel problems (horrible turnover, lack of motivation, etc.) She was a backstabbing, incompetent woman who was sleeping with one of the employees that she supervised, and it was not pretty. Interestingly enough, the CIO caught my email before it was delivered and called me into his office and asked me if I REALLY wanted that email sent. I think I decided not to bother sending it, and I was let go not too long afterwards. I'm not sure if that email played a role; the project I was working on was done, so it might have been pure coincidence.

Here we come to my basic trouble - I have a Quixote complex. I think it was awful that in the consulting firm I worked for we were doing a project for the counties that basically plugged data into last year's form and didn't really do any analysis for them. I think it's awful that corporate thieves get away with stealing millions, and people that steal hundreds go to jail. I think it'sasininee that CEOs are making 500% more than their employees. I think politicians who capitalize on the deaths of 3000 people to control the electorate should go to hell and be tormented by the 25000 people a day who die of starvation elsewhere, just to give them some perspective. I have a desire to go to theology classes just so I can walk up to those morons on the street corner holding signs that say "The wages of sin is death" and expose to them (in Jed Bartlet style) their own stupidity and hypocrisy. I wish I could beat through Creationists' skulls that science doesn't address spirituality and that there is no conflict (unless they're those literal 6 day people, oy vey).

But it's now 1am a day or two after I started this post, and I'm going to finish it and work on other things, dangit. Or maybe sleep.