Between Facebook and Twitter, and my general insanity, I've not been here. Had nothing to say really that deserved an actual full blog post.
However, have been reading an acquaintance's blog, which in a roundabout way reminded me of mine. Since it's 2am and I'm neurotically wide awake, I figured I might as well babble somewhere and try to get control of the voices in my head. (No, I don't *really* hear voices; you know what I mean.)
I have to say, however, that typing this with one thumb on cellphone is reducing my desire to babble. I've finally gotten warm, so it's really not worth getting out from under the snug blankets to get the laptop.
I'll probably write more tomorrow. Later today. Whatever.
Up to a point, this evening was incredible. I hate the inside of my head.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Friday, September 04, 2009
Actually spoken in the course of my day
"I forgot he went to bed with wet hair - his hair's all Stewart Copeland, 1982"
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Long day, weird evening, don't think I'll sleep yet...
So, at some point after 10pm the phone at my parents' house rings - it's my mother. She's calling from her hospital room to ask me to call the nurses' station, because her iv is occluded and needs to be reset, and the nurse call button isn't in reach and without the iv she can't get her pain meds.
I call the nurses' station, and am gratified to hear the woman say "Oh, no! I'll go down there right away!" Try to call mom back - and realize that the hospital blocks calls to patient rooms that late. Call the nurses' station back, and tell a new person what just happened, and that I tried to call mom back to tell her I'd talked to you guys, but of course couldn't get through, and could she please pass the message along to mom for her to call me if she felt like it or needed anything? Am less reassured by the tone of voice this response is given to me in.
About 30 minutes later, my cellphone rings - it's a family friend, who says "Is your mom okay? She just called me, and said 'Did I wake you up?' and when I said no, she asked if I could come to the hospital for a little while, and I said um, well, yeah... and your mom said "Are you sick?" and I say well, yeah, have been on & off for several days - then your mom says 'okay, nevermind, don't worry about it' and hangs up! Do you know what's going on?" Told her about call re: iv, say I'll call hospital & talk to nurses & mom and make sure everything is okay.
Call nurses' station; say "my mother just tried to call me but I missed the call, and of course I can't return the call to her - how can I get in touch with her to find out what she needed?" Nurse says "Well, would you like me to unblock her line?" I said yes, please! Nurse says okay, hold on - comes back a few moments later and says okay, let me transfer you. Couple seconds later she picks back up and says well, it's busy - let me go and make sure; maybe she's left it off the hook.... comes back in a little while, and says okay, here you go, and transfers me through.
Mom, love her though I do, is a rotten patient. I think part of it is because she's a bit of a control freak, and part of it is because she never got babied much (by either her parents or my father) so she likes to be taken care of. Admittedly, this was pretty major surgery, and she has 10 holes in her (one really big, rest small), and she has every right in the world to feel like crap. She's also in the post-anesthesia haze, and called the friend because she said she couldn't remember any other numbers. (I think at that point she'd already forgotten that she called me.) She's freaking out a little, and I think is a little confused, and is alone, and feels like shit (poor woman, she's had a nasogastric tube in since yesterday at 8pm, I can't imagine). I'd forgotten what she was like right after surgery; I was hoping she'd be mostly out of it and very groggy.
So I'm at my parents' house, because dad just got out of the rehab hospital a week or so ago, and isn't strong enough to be left alone; my kids are here with me, and as I can't be in two places at once, I am now in the very interesting mental place: feeling guilty that I can't be there to help mom out, and feeling relieved that I can't be there to help mom out.
How did it get to be 2:30am? I wonder if I'm going to be able to sleep on the loveseat, or if I should just go ahead and move to the recliner now...
This morning was entertaining. 6:30ish - little boy wakes up, climbs onto loveseat with me. Not really enough room, I eventually get off and move to recliner. Ten after 7, my cellphone rings - it's my aunt's caretaker; her car has broken down and she's not going to be there today. A little after 8 I give my husband a wake-up call, and dad is already out in the living room - he tells me to lie back down, he's in no hurry for breakfast. I can't go back to sleep anyway, so I get up and start making breakfast. While I'm making breakfast, I call my doctor's office to see if I could drop by today - I've evidently torn something in my calf (probably the soleus muscle) and while the hand-sized bruise has started to go away, stairs suck and by the end of the day even walking is difficult. It almost feels like I'm re-ripping something with every step at that point. They say sure, can you be here at 8:30? I look at clock, it's a little after 8, and say sure. I run out the door in an effing deluge; the sky is falling - go to doc's office (with no history of blood clots, he doesn't think it's a blood clot - if it's the soleus muscle, it could take 6-8 weeks to heal; if it doesn't start feeling at least a little better in the next two weeks though, come back and we'll take a closer look with an MRI. I say thanks, pay, run out, get my aunt breakfast & run by her apartment - give her food & meds and run back to parents' house. Stay there working on stupid grant (that I should have finished last week) until friend comes for dad, J takes the kids and I throw on clean underwear and a clean shirt that luckily are at my parents' house and run like hell to the hospital to see mom before she's taken down for surgery.
I missed her by less than 5 minutes.
Why am I avoiding sleep?
This is nuts. Am going to try to sleep. Wish me luck.
I call the nurses' station, and am gratified to hear the woman say "Oh, no! I'll go down there right away!" Try to call mom back - and realize that the hospital blocks calls to patient rooms that late. Call the nurses' station back, and tell a new person what just happened, and that I tried to call mom back to tell her I'd talked to you guys, but of course couldn't get through, and could she please pass the message along to mom for her to call me if she felt like it or needed anything? Am less reassured by the tone of voice this response is given to me in.
About 30 minutes later, my cellphone rings - it's a family friend, who says "Is your mom okay? She just called me, and said 'Did I wake you up?' and when I said no, she asked if I could come to the hospital for a little while, and I said um, well, yeah... and your mom said "Are you sick?" and I say well, yeah, have been on & off for several days - then your mom says 'okay, nevermind, don't worry about it' and hangs up! Do you know what's going on?" Told her about call re: iv, say I'll call hospital & talk to nurses & mom and make sure everything is okay.
Call nurses' station; say "my mother just tried to call me but I missed the call, and of course I can't return the call to her - how can I get in touch with her to find out what she needed?" Nurse says "Well, would you like me to unblock her line?" I said yes, please! Nurse says okay, hold on - comes back a few moments later and says okay, let me transfer you. Couple seconds later she picks back up and says well, it's busy - let me go and make sure; maybe she's left it off the hook.... comes back in a little while, and says okay, here you go, and transfers me through.
Mom, love her though I do, is a rotten patient. I think part of it is because she's a bit of a control freak, and part of it is because she never got babied much (by either her parents or my father) so she likes to be taken care of. Admittedly, this was pretty major surgery, and she has 10 holes in her (one really big, rest small), and she has every right in the world to feel like crap. She's also in the post-anesthesia haze, and called the friend because she said she couldn't remember any other numbers. (I think at that point she'd already forgotten that she called me.) She's freaking out a little, and I think is a little confused, and is alone, and feels like shit (poor woman, she's had a nasogastric tube in since yesterday at 8pm, I can't imagine). I'd forgotten what she was like right after surgery; I was hoping she'd be mostly out of it and very groggy.
So I'm at my parents' house, because dad just got out of the rehab hospital a week or so ago, and isn't strong enough to be left alone; my kids are here with me, and as I can't be in two places at once, I am now in the very interesting mental place: feeling guilty that I can't be there to help mom out, and feeling relieved that I can't be there to help mom out.
How did it get to be 2:30am? I wonder if I'm going to be able to sleep on the loveseat, or if I should just go ahead and move to the recliner now...
This morning was entertaining. 6:30ish - little boy wakes up, climbs onto loveseat with me. Not really enough room, I eventually get off and move to recliner. Ten after 7, my cellphone rings - it's my aunt's caretaker; her car has broken down and she's not going to be there today. A little after 8 I give my husband a wake-up call, and dad is already out in the living room - he tells me to lie back down, he's in no hurry for breakfast. I can't go back to sleep anyway, so I get up and start making breakfast. While I'm making breakfast, I call my doctor's office to see if I could drop by today - I've evidently torn something in my calf (probably the soleus muscle) and while the hand-sized bruise has started to go away, stairs suck and by the end of the day even walking is difficult. It almost feels like I'm re-ripping something with every step at that point. They say sure, can you be here at 8:30? I look at clock, it's a little after 8, and say sure. I run out the door in an effing deluge; the sky is falling - go to doc's office (with no history of blood clots, he doesn't think it's a blood clot - if it's the soleus muscle, it could take 6-8 weeks to heal; if it doesn't start feeling at least a little better in the next two weeks though, come back and we'll take a closer look with an MRI. I say thanks, pay, run out, get my aunt breakfast & run by her apartment - give her food & meds and run back to parents' house. Stay there working on stupid grant (that I should have finished last week) until friend comes for dad, J takes the kids and I throw on clean underwear and a clean shirt that luckily are at my parents' house and run like hell to the hospital to see mom before she's taken down for surgery.
I missed her by less than 5 minutes.
Why am I avoiding sleep?
This is nuts. Am going to try to sleep. Wish me luck.
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Well, let's see how this goes over with the professor...
I'm currently in my second online class, SOC 402: Contemporary Social Problems & The Workplace.
So, what do you think?
*******************************************************
His response:
And his response to the other commenter:
So, not surprising. I must confess it irritated me, however.
Our assignment for week one: "Summarize your views on how a specific contemporary social problem is having an impact on your workplace or on workplaces known to you. Identify the problem, and describe what you see as the causes, impacts, and possible solutions to the problem. Respond to at least two of your fellow students’ postings."
Second post on the discussion board? This:
As I ponder what to write I ask myself is this really a social problem or personal. As I ponder this I come to the conclusion that this is a social problem. To start with I will make this statement. Our nation is founded upon the beliefs in God, more specifically Jesus Christ and the values that are built within these beliefs. For decades it was normal for everyone to go to church. You would be scrutinized if you missed too many times. Also divorce was nearly unheard of. Sex was in the confines of a marriage period. Of course there have always been and always will have people that seek sex outside the marriage, either premarital sex or extramarital sex. Being a pastor was considered a high calling in life and pastors were held with a certain amount of respect.The problems that we face begin with our nation losing site of God. A Christian can no longer stand up for their belief without being called a bigot or racists. A Christian speaking out against homosexuality is becoming a hate crime. As a Christian I cannot protest against abortion. I cannot bring Christ into a school with me but you can talk about evolution and other religions all you want.
Our constitution has statements that guaranty certain rights. Our Bill of Rights Amendment I states:
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. (para, 10)
I do not condone forcing any religion on any one person. However, it is against the Bill of Rights to prohibit me, or any other Christian, from speaking out about our faith and beliefs in what is clearly right and wrong. When society imposes a certain set of beliefs on its citizens you begin to have break downs.
Refernces
The Charters Of Freedom, (para, 10) Retrieved July 1, 2009, from
http://www.archives.gov/exhibits/charters/bill_of_rights_transcript.htmlThank you and I hope I didn’t offend anyone:
God Bless,
Well, here is my response:
Allow me to point out the fallacies in your argument:
Fallacy of Authority:
You state "Our nation is founded upon the beliefs in God, more specifically Jesus Christ and the values that are built within these beliefs."
The primary leaders of the founding fathers were not what you would call Christians, they were Deists. Jefferson, in his day, was considered an infidel by the clergy. Jefferson wrote his own version of the gospel, which eliminated all miracles attributed to Jesus and ended with his burial - it contained no resurrection. (You may purchase it at Amazon here if you'd like to read it: http://tinyurl.com/mvn2n9) His letter to Adams on April 11, 1823 is very instructive (you may read the full text here:http://www.stephenjaygould.org/ctrl/jefferson_adams.html), here is one statement from it: "And the day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the supreme being as his father in the womb of a virgin will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter."
Other founding fathers are discussed on this webpage, which does cite some sources of quotes for your further examination: http://tinyurl.com/ammte
You state "For decades it was normal for everyone to go to church. You would be scrutinized if you missed too many times."
I am unsure what decades you are talking about. As your preceding sentence was about the founding of our country, here is some information about church-going during that period of time:
"Not only were a good many of the revolutionary leaders more deist than Christian, but the actual number of church members was rather small. Perhaps as few as five percent of the populace were church members in 1776" (Schools They Haven't Got a Prayer, Elgin, Illinois David C. Cook Publishing, 1982, p. 81)
and:
"perhaps as many as ninety percent of the Americans were unchurched in 1790"
"mid-eighteenth century America had a smaller proportion of church members than any other nation in Christendom,"
"in 1800 [only] about one of every fifteen Americans was a church member"
(Anti-Intellectualism in American Life, New York Alfred A. Knopf, 1974, p. 82, 89)
There have been more recent decades where going to church was much more common, of course. However, if your point is that it was a cultural thing that we used to do but don't do anymore, which is bad, I can point out a myriad of cultural things that we used to do that we don't do anymore (or at least don't tolerate as "normal"), thank god: slavery, child abuse, wife abuse, lynching... just because the majority at one point did something, does not make that something good, please keep in mind. For example, a recent survey by the Pew Research Center found that the more often Americans go to church, the more likely they are to support torture of suspected terrorists. (the CNN article about it is here:http://tinyurl.com/ch54u3) That doesn't sound like a particularly good correlation, you know?
You state: "Also divorce was nearly unheard of."
In the colonies, divorce was expressly forbidden by England. "Once America gained its independence, the petitions for divorce greatly increased" In South Carolina, for example, divorce was only legal briefly from 1868 to 1895, and then wasn't legal again until 1949.
In fact, marriage wasn't even religious in some places! "Early New England regulations ordered that civil magistrates perform all marriages (instead of ministers), because they adopted the Protestant belief that marriage was a civil contract, not a sacrament."
Both above quotes from:
A history of divorce and remarriage in the United States. Claudia W. Strow, Brian K. Strow. Humanomics. Patrington: 2006. Vol. 22, Iss. 4; pg. 239 (There's some interesting stuff in there, it's available on ProQuest if you'd like to read it.)
I won't deny that the amount of divorce has gone up through the centuries, but I think attributing it to society "losing sight" of God is too simplistic by far.
And for the one response I saw before I started writing this, wherein the statement "I don't understand taking the god off the coins and the pledge of allegiance out of school", here is some information for you:
"under God," did not appear in the Pledge of Allegiance until 1954, when Congress put them in.
"In God We Trust" wasn't on paper currency prior to 1956. It had appeared on coins off and on, along with phrases like "Mind Your Business." The original U.S. motto is E Pluribus Unum ("Of Many, One") - which is not religious. The motto was changed in 1956 by Congress & approved by Eisenhower making "In God We Trust" the official motto. So the history of these two things are relatively short overall.
Fallacy of Dramatic Instance:
You state "A Christian speaking out against homosexuality is becoming a hate crime."
I assume you are referring to the amendment to include sexual orientation in the list of protected people under the very limited hate crime law of 1969.
The 1969 law covered crimes motivated by race, color, national origin, and religion (so Christians are protected, please note) but only applies if the victim is engaged in one of six federally protected activities (like voting, interstate commerce, etc.), and then only if the perpetrator is found guilty of the crime and it can be shown that the crime was motivated by a hatred of the victim's race, color, religion, ethnicity, or national origin.
The proposed law extends coverage to gender, sexual orientation, sexual identity, and disability.
Now, there is legitimate differences of opinion on whether there should even be a hate crime law, but as the law stands right now, only some people are protected by the hate crime law, and some are not - which is not in keeping with the American tradition of equal treatment. (Or at least the intention of America to treat people equally; our practice has had its faults.)
The other misconception is that by speaking out against homosexuality you could be judged guilty of committing a hate crime. The hate crime bill ONLY APPLIES IN THOSE CASES INVOLVING A CRIME OF VIOLENCE. Your speech IS protected by the First Amendment; you can say whatever you like. The only possible way I can see your speech could get you into trouble in regards to this hate crime law (keeping in mind I'm not a lawyer) is if you do the equivalent of yelling "fire" in a crowded theatre: if you stand up in front of a group of people, and start yelling about how God hates homosexuals, and they should all be eradicated from the earth, and then one of the people listening to you goes off and starts eradicating homosexuals from the earth, there might be some possibility that you could be held at least partially legally liable. (In my view, you would certainly be morally partially liable.)
For further reading and information about the hate crime laws, this website has some good information, with sources cited: http://tinyurl.com/mlfuf7
You state "As a Christian I cannot protest against abortion." - I have no idea where this idea came from. Protests are protected speech, like any other speech. I'm not crazy about the more recent "Free Speech Zones" but even those allow protest, they just allow the government to control time/place/manner.
You state: "I cannot bring Christ into a school with me but you can talk about evolution and other religions all you want."
Well, if the class is a class about religion, i.e. 'comparative religions' or 'religions of the world' or even 'Christian Tradition' and 'Gospel of Matthew' (those last three are classes taught at my local university) - then sure, bring as much information about Christ and your beliefs as you want.
Evolution is a scientific theory. Scientific theories do not address the existence of God; it is a completely different sphere. Complaining that you cannot bring Christ into a science class is like complaining that you can't dissect a pig in your english class. They have nothing to do with each other. You are welcome to believe whatever you like about how the universe was created.
Finally, you state that you do not condone forcing any religion on any one person. I agree. How offensive would it be to you if before every football game at your local college stadium, I stood up and praised Brahma, Visnu and Shiva for giving us this glorious day to play sports together? How would you feel if every day at school you, as a Christian, had to stand up and say "... one nation, under Satan, indivisible..." before class started? How would you feel if on the coins of the United States it said "In Yu-huang We Trust"? Because there are Hindus, and Satanists, and Taoists in the United States, and they are just as much citizens as you are.
Just so you know, I am not offended.
So, what do you think?
*******************************************************
His response:
Ceara, thank you for your response, but I will state as a fact our nation was indeed founded upon God. Here are some links to further support my statements.
http://www.biblestudy.org/basicart/was-united-states-founded-as-non-religious-nation.html
Was America organized and founded as a strictly secular (non-religious) nation? Not according to each state's constitution! All 50 states in the United States acknowledge God in their constitutions:
Alabama 1901, Preamble. We the people of the State of Alabama ... invoking the favor and guidance of Almighty God, do ordain and establish the following Constitution ...
Alaska 1956, Preamble. We, the people of Alaska, grateful to God and to those who founded our nation and pioneered this great land ...
Arizona 1911, Preamble. We, the people of the State of Arizona, grateful to Almighty God for our liberties, do ordain this Constitution ...
Arkansas 1874, Preamble. We, the people of the State of Arkansas, grateful to Almighty God for the privilege of choosing our own form of government ...
California 1879, Preamble. We, the People of the State of California, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom ...
Colorado 1876, Preamble. We, the people of Colorado, with profound reverence for the Supreme Ruler of Universe ...
Connecticut 1818, Preamble. The People of Connecticut, acknowledging with gratitude the good Providence of God in permitting them to enjoy ...
Delaware 1897, Preamble. Through Divine Goodness all men have, by nature, the rights of worshipping and serving their Creator according to the dictates of their consciences ...
Florida 1885, Preamble. We, the people of the State of Florida, grateful to Almighty God for our constitutional liberty ... establish this Constitution ...
Georgia 1777, Preamble. We, the people of Georgia, relying upon protection and guidance of Almighty God, do ordain and establish this Constitution ...
http://www.afn.org/~govern/Christian_Nation.html
Recently, many authors have debated whether or not the United States of America was founded as a Christian nation. I wish to provide a few historical quotes from our Founding Era that lend credence to the supposition that we indeed were founded as a Christian nation.
Granted, God is not mentioned in the Constitution, but He is mentioned in every major document leading up to the final wording of the Constitution. For example, Connecticut is still known as the "Constitution State" because its colonial constitution was used as a model for the United States Constitution. Its first words were: "For as much as it has pleased the almighty God by the wise disposition of His Divine Providence…"
Most of the fifty-five Founding Fathers who worked on the Constitution were members of orthodox Christian churches and many were even evangelical Christians. The first official act in the First Continental Congress was to open in Christian prayer, which ended in these words: "...the merits of Jesus Christ, Thy Son, our Savior. Amen". Sounds Christian to me.
Ben Franklin, at the Constitutional Convention, said: "...God governs in the affairs of men. And if a sparrow cannot fall to the ground without His notice is it probable that an empire can rise without His aid?"
John Adams stated so eloquently during this period of time that; "The general principles on which the fathers achieved Independence were ... the general principles of Christianity ... I will avow that I then believed, and now believe, that the general principles of Christianity are as etemal and immutable as the existence and attributes of God."
I will concede there is just as much information stating that our nation was not founded upon God. Maybe a better term is that our forefathers and a strong majority were Christians.
As for divorce rates, It has increased dramatically since the mid 1900’s. Prior to that time it was not acceptable to get a divorce in societies eyes, why, because of the majority’s faith in God. The Scriptures teach us that it is not favorable to divorce.
When I went to School I was allowed to bring my Bible with me to class and leave it sitting on my desk. When I had free time I could read it. Today I would be expelled from school should I even bring it through the doors.
About your comment on prayers, do you watch NASCAR? Also why does congress open with prayer? If we are not founded upon God why does our government begin just about everything it does with prayer, or at least use to? As with everything discussed we both could go on and on but I do not see a need to continue.
All men, people, are created equal. So why do we have minorities? You stated I have listed fallacies in my post. We are all free to have our opinions and it is my opinion that these are not fallacies but a true statement of our society today. As a Christian I am discriminated against.
Thank you for your thoughts, comments, and opinions.
God Bless,And his response to the other commenter:
Maria, thank you for your reply, I agree with what you said. Ceara commented on the pledge of Allegiance and about “In God We Trust.” She is right about when they were entered. My reply is that at one point it was added. The question is why, which no one wants to ask. The answer is simple; we are a nation that was founded upon God. Most people in our nation, at one time anyway, are or were Christians. We placed such an importance in God that we included him in all we did. Now that people are falling away they do not want to be reminded of our foundations…
God Bless,So, not surprising. I must confess it irritated me, however.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
omgwtfbbq
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
What is it about family? Jeez, I'm tired of this crap.
What is it about family? Jeez, I'm tired of this crap.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
STOP THE RIDE I WANNA GET OFF
It's days like today that make me very, very glad that I had a conversation with my doctor a little while back wherein we upped my anti-depressant dosage.
Yesterday I had to fire one of the the CNAs that has been taking care of my terminal aunt. She didn't show up at 8 when she was supposed to - never actually showed up at all. This is after several times of her being over an hour late, or not showing up - ooo, or there's the day the guy she's living with called to tell my aunt she'd been drinking, that was fun... This means I have nobody to cover Saturday & Sunday day shift, which means 9 times out of 10, I'll be doing it. If you know a CNA or caretaker with experience taking care of the elderly, I have a bed-bound elderly congestive heart failure morbidly obese woman for them to take care of. Hourly rate negotiable.
Tuesday I have a "monitoring" at work. I have a box of documentation that I have to put together - that incidentally took them a month to do last time, and I was given 2 weeks - and then somehow get that box to the monitoring people, who are not physically there. I believe I read somewhere that we should fax things. If that's the case, I will be sitting at the fax machine for hours. No exaggeration. So I'm trying to get an all-in-one printer/scanner/copier that I found in a back room working, so hopefully I can SCAN everything and send it to them. (It'll still take hours.) We're being monitored, and the outcome of this monitoring will affect whether or not we get our grant next year.
Day before yesterday, I think it was, Obama released the details of his budget. My mother called me at work, in the middle of a meeting with my team members about getting things together for this monitoring. She told me that the federal grant project that I work under has been completely eliminated, because the data says that it doesn't work. I'm not sure which is more depressing - looking at the possibility of no job in 2010, or knowing that the data shows that what we're doing is useless. (Granted, I'm sure that means overall, country-wide - who knows, maybe in our county we actually DO make a difference. I can hope.)
So all this stress, all this work, may be ultimately pointless. We have to write a brand new grant next year anyway, and evidently we're still going to do that, even though the project may cease to exist.
I hate doing pointless shit. It bothers me on a core level.
That's one of the main reasons that I never finished college, I think. I hate filling out paperwork. It gives me borderline anxiety attacks.
But, I finally got off my ass, filled out the FAFSA, the application for a Stafford loan, and I'm going back to school to finish my bachelors degree. Online, of course - there's no way schedule wise I could actually go sit in a class. School starts Tuesday. Yes, the same Tuesday as my work deadline. Sadly, my books have not yet arrived, and the pdf files of the first couple of chapters (that they kindly provide in case your books haven't arrived yet) for whatever reason will not open on my computer. I've not had a chance to ask tech support if the files are indeed damaged, which is what it says when I try to open them.
The other major paperwork that I filled out/have been filling out is all the stuff for my aunt's long term care insurance. I got the phone call yesterday from her (that I avoided, btw, it went to my voicemail) that they're sending the "4th and final" copy of a form that they evidently need filled out. I thought I already had. Who the fuck knows; I'm going to have to do it AGAIN and send it return receipt mail. Mom has already paid out more than a thousand dollars to these caretakers, and if she doesn't get reimbursed, life is going to suck.
I've ended up in the hospital with both my parents, on separate days, in the last month. Dad you already know about. That night ended with me unlocking the back door & letting them into their house, and also by showering dad & getting him into bed - something mom couldn't have done on her own, so I'm glad I was there.
One of the reasons mom couldn't have done it herself is because she has a hernia. A massive one. It goes at least halfway across her abdomen. This will be the {counts in my head} 4th? 5th? hernia. The first 3 she had surgery for. The fourth surgery was to take care of the grapefruit sized seroma that had formed. While the doctor was in taking care of that one, he discovered that all the mesh he had put in to hold her together in the first three surgeries hadn't adhered the way they were supposed to, and were basically just curled up and useless, so he had to get those out before they caused a problem. When mom developed this last one, he said to wait and watch - unless it caused a problem, we'd leave it alone.
Well, I ended up in the emergency room with her on Cinco de Mayo - up until then, when she felt stuff pushing out, she could push it back in. Except now she couldn't get it pushed back in. And it hurt. A lot. And she started throwing up. All signs point to: strangulated hernia. So she's lying on her bed, having just thrown up, and says she's really cold, so I pull the blanket over her (thinking to myself hrm, fever... not good) and ask her why she hadn't been getting dressed to go to the ER while I was on my way over. She wasn't sure she should go. I had to call her insurance's urgent care facility, to verify that they didn't have the equipment necessary to diagnose a strangulated hernia, before she'd agree to go to the hospital. So while we're in the waiting room, it pops back in. We got a doctor who was very surprised at our level of education and understanding (I didn't bother mentioning that I used to be a pre-med major) checked her out and said yeah, you're probably right, call your surgeon in the morning and talk to him about what to do next. We were in and out of the emergency room in - are you sitting down? - THREE HOURS. It's a fucking record.
While all this in my life is going on, my palm Centro (that I love to pieces) has had all it's data wiped (I was trying to do an OS update, it was acting squirrelly) and my iPod had started malfunctioning too. So I don't have any of my contacts with me anymore. Makes it hard to call caretakers to take care of my aunt, or anything else, really.
Two weeks ago I got the kids up to get them dressed & take them to school early, because I had a meeting at work at 8:30am (that _I_ had called), and my son (who is almost 5) is in almost screaming hysterics saying his penis hurts, and he won't let me look. He had said the day before that when his pee came out it felt REALLY hot, and I asked J about it when I got home that night (first thing in my mind was urinary tract infection) but he said sometimes it feels really hot coming out, it's not a big deal. Well, after that morning, it had become a big deal. So I take my daughter to school. I park and walk her in, and while I'm walking back to my car, my aunt calls - the caretaker who was supposed to be there at 8 hadn't shown up yet, and it was 8:30 or 8:45 already. So I called the caretaker, and she said that she'd had to talk to her son's teachers, and was running late, but was on her way. When I get back to my car, it won't start. I have to go back inside and ask if anybody can jump my car off - I have cables. Once I get it jumped, I head to the doctor's office. As I'm pulling into the driveway, the caretaker calls again. She says that there are problems with her son, and she won't be able to make it at all today. It's now about 9am. So I park the car, and go inside, trying to figure out how to get my aunt taken care of while I'm in the doctor's office with my son. I just walked in with no appointment, and they were amazingly kind and fit me in really quickly. The woman behind the desk saw my face and asked me if I needed a hug - I said at this point, I probably needed a tranquilizer. Sure enough, it was a UTI, and they gave me a prescription for antibiotics. Guess what happened when I went to leave? Yup, car wouldn't start. Had to walk back into the doctor's office again (about to completely lose it at this point) and ask if anybody there could jump my car off. At this point my memory is fuzzy - I think I went to go take care of my aunt, but I'm really not sure. I think I got to work around noon.
I still haven't gotten a new battery (or checked the water in mine, maybe I'll remember to go do that in ten minutes when I take a break from work) but fortunately I have a portable battery jumper thing. I think the most I've ever had to jump start the car is 3 times in one day.
I'm tired.
Today my son's behaviour was so atrocious (and his sister's only marginally better) that both J & I completely lost our temper. When they refused to clean up their room, J & I did it for them - anything that was on the floor went either into the trash, or into a box for goodwill. The hysterics THAT engendered was exhausting. More exhausting for me is knowing that a large part of the reason why they (especially he) is acting this way is because they're stressed out, because I'm stressed out, and haven't spent nearly as much time with them as I should have. And J's had a massive deadline at work too, and then last week it was like murphy's law decided to beat him up - all kinds of shit broke at his office. So he's been busy, and working god knows how many hours a week.
So I've been depressed anyway, feeling guilty, feeling tired, feeling ANGRY, because I'm tired of having to do all this. I'm tired of being an only child with older parents. I'm tired of being my aunt's only younger relative that is in any way responsible enough or sane enough to take care of her. (I have two cousins in California - one is in jail, and her two children are being raised by my uncle & his wife, and the other has gotten in and out of trouble for years, and I'm not even sure where she is now.) I love my kids to death, but I'm not a good mother, and they deserve better. J has to wake up every day, never knowing if I'm going to be a competent, helpful, loving partner, or a fucking basket case that drains all his energy and requires him to basically be a single parent. Worse than a single parent, because he has to deal with me, too. (Those times haven't been as frequent lately, thank god.)
So, like I said, it's a good thing that about a month or so ago I went to my doctor, concerned about my memory loss, and had my anti-depressant dose updated. Because I'd probably be at commit-me level of insanity right now otherwise.
*UPDATE*
That steak cheese & mushroom sub from hungry howie's that I just finished has been the best thing that's happened this weekend. My husband is awesome.
Yesterday I had to fire one of the the CNAs that has been taking care of my terminal aunt. She didn't show up at 8 when she was supposed to - never actually showed up at all. This is after several times of her being over an hour late, or not showing up - ooo, or there's the day the guy she's living with called to tell my aunt she'd been drinking, that was fun... This means I have nobody to cover Saturday & Sunday day shift, which means 9 times out of 10, I'll be doing it. If you know a CNA or caretaker with experience taking care of the elderly, I have a bed-bound elderly congestive heart failure morbidly obese woman for them to take care of. Hourly rate negotiable.
Tuesday I have a "monitoring" at work. I have a box of documentation that I have to put together - that incidentally took them a month to do last time, and I was given 2 weeks - and then somehow get that box to the monitoring people, who are not physically there. I believe I read somewhere that we should fax things. If that's the case, I will be sitting at the fax machine for hours. No exaggeration. So I'm trying to get an all-in-one printer/scanner/copier that I found in a back room working, so hopefully I can SCAN everything and send it to them. (It'll still take hours.) We're being monitored, and the outcome of this monitoring will affect whether or not we get our grant next year.
Day before yesterday, I think it was, Obama released the details of his budget. My mother called me at work, in the middle of a meeting with my team members about getting things together for this monitoring. She told me that the federal grant project that I work under has been completely eliminated, because the data says that it doesn't work. I'm not sure which is more depressing - looking at the possibility of no job in 2010, or knowing that the data shows that what we're doing is useless. (Granted, I'm sure that means overall, country-wide - who knows, maybe in our county we actually DO make a difference. I can hope.)
So all this stress, all this work, may be ultimately pointless. We have to write a brand new grant next year anyway, and evidently we're still going to do that, even though the project may cease to exist.
I hate doing pointless shit. It bothers me on a core level.
That's one of the main reasons that I never finished college, I think. I hate filling out paperwork. It gives me borderline anxiety attacks.
But, I finally got off my ass, filled out the FAFSA, the application for a Stafford loan, and I'm going back to school to finish my bachelors degree. Online, of course - there's no way schedule wise I could actually go sit in a class. School starts Tuesday. Yes, the same Tuesday as my work deadline. Sadly, my books have not yet arrived, and the pdf files of the first couple of chapters (that they kindly provide in case your books haven't arrived yet) for whatever reason will not open on my computer. I've not had a chance to ask tech support if the files are indeed damaged, which is what it says when I try to open them.
The other major paperwork that I filled out/have been filling out is all the stuff for my aunt's long term care insurance. I got the phone call yesterday from her (that I avoided, btw, it went to my voicemail) that they're sending the "4th and final" copy of a form that they evidently need filled out. I thought I already had. Who the fuck knows; I'm going to have to do it AGAIN and send it return receipt mail. Mom has already paid out more than a thousand dollars to these caretakers, and if she doesn't get reimbursed, life is going to suck.
I've ended up in the hospital with both my parents, on separate days, in the last month. Dad you already know about. That night ended with me unlocking the back door & letting them into their house, and also by showering dad & getting him into bed - something mom couldn't have done on her own, so I'm glad I was there.
One of the reasons mom couldn't have done it herself is because she has a hernia. A massive one. It goes at least halfway across her abdomen. This will be the {counts in my head} 4th? 5th? hernia. The first 3 she had surgery for. The fourth surgery was to take care of the grapefruit sized seroma that had formed. While the doctor was in taking care of that one, he discovered that all the mesh he had put in to hold her together in the first three surgeries hadn't adhered the way they were supposed to, and were basically just curled up and useless, so he had to get those out before they caused a problem. When mom developed this last one, he said to wait and watch - unless it caused a problem, we'd leave it alone.
Well, I ended up in the emergency room with her on Cinco de Mayo - up until then, when she felt stuff pushing out, she could push it back in. Except now she couldn't get it pushed back in. And it hurt. A lot. And she started throwing up. All signs point to: strangulated hernia. So she's lying on her bed, having just thrown up, and says she's really cold, so I pull the blanket over her (thinking to myself hrm, fever... not good) and ask her why she hadn't been getting dressed to go to the ER while I was on my way over. She wasn't sure she should go. I had to call her insurance's urgent care facility, to verify that they didn't have the equipment necessary to diagnose a strangulated hernia, before she'd agree to go to the hospital. So while we're in the waiting room, it pops back in. We got a doctor who was very surprised at our level of education and understanding (I didn't bother mentioning that I used to be a pre-med major) checked her out and said yeah, you're probably right, call your surgeon in the morning and talk to him about what to do next. We were in and out of the emergency room in - are you sitting down? - THREE HOURS. It's a fucking record.
While all this in my life is going on, my palm Centro (that I love to pieces) has had all it's data wiped (I was trying to do an OS update, it was acting squirrelly) and my iPod had started malfunctioning too. So I don't have any of my contacts with me anymore. Makes it hard to call caretakers to take care of my aunt, or anything else, really.
Two weeks ago I got the kids up to get them dressed & take them to school early, because I had a meeting at work at 8:30am (that _I_ had called), and my son (who is almost 5) is in almost screaming hysterics saying his penis hurts, and he won't let me look. He had said the day before that when his pee came out it felt REALLY hot, and I asked J about it when I got home that night (first thing in my mind was urinary tract infection) but he said sometimes it feels really hot coming out, it's not a big deal. Well, after that morning, it had become a big deal. So I take my daughter to school. I park and walk her in, and while I'm walking back to my car, my aunt calls - the caretaker who was supposed to be there at 8 hadn't shown up yet, and it was 8:30 or 8:45 already. So I called the caretaker, and she said that she'd had to talk to her son's teachers, and was running late, but was on her way. When I get back to my car, it won't start. I have to go back inside and ask if anybody can jump my car off - I have cables. Once I get it jumped, I head to the doctor's office. As I'm pulling into the driveway, the caretaker calls again. She says that there are problems with her son, and she won't be able to make it at all today. It's now about 9am. So I park the car, and go inside, trying to figure out how to get my aunt taken care of while I'm in the doctor's office with my son. I just walked in with no appointment, and they were amazingly kind and fit me in really quickly. The woman behind the desk saw my face and asked me if I needed a hug - I said at this point, I probably needed a tranquilizer. Sure enough, it was a UTI, and they gave me a prescription for antibiotics. Guess what happened when I went to leave? Yup, car wouldn't start. Had to walk back into the doctor's office again (about to completely lose it at this point) and ask if anybody there could jump my car off. At this point my memory is fuzzy - I think I went to go take care of my aunt, but I'm really not sure. I think I got to work around noon.
I still haven't gotten a new battery (or checked the water in mine, maybe I'll remember to go do that in ten minutes when I take a break from work) but fortunately I have a portable battery jumper thing. I think the most I've ever had to jump start the car is 3 times in one day.
I'm tired.
Today my son's behaviour was so atrocious (and his sister's only marginally better) that both J & I completely lost our temper. When they refused to clean up their room, J & I did it for them - anything that was on the floor went either into the trash, or into a box for goodwill. The hysterics THAT engendered was exhausting. More exhausting for me is knowing that a large part of the reason why they (especially he) is acting this way is because they're stressed out, because I'm stressed out, and haven't spent nearly as much time with them as I should have. And J's had a massive deadline at work too, and then last week it was like murphy's law decided to beat him up - all kinds of shit broke at his office. So he's been busy, and working god knows how many hours a week.
So I've been depressed anyway, feeling guilty, feeling tired, feeling ANGRY, because I'm tired of having to do all this. I'm tired of being an only child with older parents. I'm tired of being my aunt's only younger relative that is in any way responsible enough or sane enough to take care of her. (I have two cousins in California - one is in jail, and her two children are being raised by my uncle & his wife, and the other has gotten in and out of trouble for years, and I'm not even sure where she is now.) I love my kids to death, but I'm not a good mother, and they deserve better. J has to wake up every day, never knowing if I'm going to be a competent, helpful, loving partner, or a fucking basket case that drains all his energy and requires him to basically be a single parent. Worse than a single parent, because he has to deal with me, too. (Those times haven't been as frequent lately, thank god.)
So, like I said, it's a good thing that about a month or so ago I went to my doctor, concerned about my memory loss, and had my anti-depressant dose updated. Because I'd probably be at commit-me level of insanity right now otherwise.
*UPDATE*
That steak cheese & mushroom sub from hungry howie's that I just finished has been the best thing that's happened this weekend. My husband is awesome.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Crashing
Well, that good mood and cheerful outlook on life got beat up pretty quickly.
I remembered one of the main reasons I hadn't finished college.
I hate filling out forms.
Bureaucratic hoops that I have to jump through make me anxious and cranky.
Add to that the phone call from my aunt I just got - the caretaker who works nights just didn't show up tonight. We're not sure if she didn't realize she worked Saturday & Sunday (because I can't remember if that was brought up or not) or what, and so far we've not been able to get a hold of her. The MORNING nurse was an hour and a half late, and when my aunt pointed out that she'd not had anything to drink or eat, and that she is basically helpless if there's nobody there, the nurse got all pissy and said well, do you want me to leave? If I don't come, I don't get paid. (Implying that that was the only consideration.) So the hell with her, I'll find somebody else. After the phone call from the guy she was living with who said she'd been drinking (?!) before she showed up one day, and the other time or two she came late, and the attitude - I'm tired of it.
So I'm headed over to my aunt's apartment. She's getting on her bedside commode and will need her ass wiped.
Then I'm going to come home and take a long, wonderfully scented, bubbly shower.
If anybody would like to take me out for drinks afterwards, call me.
*sigh*
I remembered one of the main reasons I hadn't finished college.
I hate filling out forms.
Bureaucratic hoops that I have to jump through make me anxious and cranky.
Add to that the phone call from my aunt I just got - the caretaker who works nights just didn't show up tonight. We're not sure if she didn't realize she worked Saturday & Sunday (because I can't remember if that was brought up or not) or what, and so far we've not been able to get a hold of her. The MORNING nurse was an hour and a half late, and when my aunt pointed out that she'd not had anything to drink or eat, and that she is basically helpless if there's nobody there, the nurse got all pissy and said well, do you want me to leave? If I don't come, I don't get paid. (Implying that that was the only consideration.) So the hell with her, I'll find somebody else. After the phone call from the guy she was living with who said she'd been drinking (?!) before she showed up one day, and the other time or two she came late, and the attitude - I'm tired of it.
So I'm headed over to my aunt's apartment. She's getting on her bedside commode and will need her ass wiped.
Then I'm going to come home and take a long, wonderfully scented, bubbly shower.
If anybody would like to take me out for drinks afterwards, call me.
*sigh*
Friday, April 24, 2009
The previous post was a wonderful example of irony.
Entitled "Speechless" and INCREDIBLY WORDY.
No, I didn't do it on purpose.
No, I didn't do it on purpose.
Speechless
So much has happened lately. Both personally and nationally.
The United States tortures. While this doesn't exactly surprise me, it does make me feel ill. What makes me well and truly angry are the people who defend it as being worthwhile because of the intelligence we got as a result. I've got a response for them: THE END DOES NOT JUSTIFY THE MEANS.
I won't talk about that more because I honestly can't handle it yet. I get too upset.
Personally, it's been interesting.
My aunt hasn't kicked the bucket yet. And as of yesterday, she's in the infamous "doughnut hole" so all her prescriptions are now totally out of pocket. Which means that the almost $300 a month anti-depressant is not going to work; I get to talk to her doctor and see if we can go back to her previous medications (which costs less). This conversation is going to include him saying that ritalin is a stimulant, and that somebody with congestive heart failure shouldn't be taking it - and I'm going to have to do the same thing I did with the provigil argument: it's a quality of life issue, if she doesn't have much longer left anyway, what the hell difference does it make?
Fortunately we've got most of the day covered by either CNAs or an experienced caretaker - when one of the original nurses had her day job schedule changed and suddenly was unable to be there, mom & I were it for evening shift. I'm glad we've found someone to cover that, because the stress of mommy not being there (and being tired & stressed when she WAS there) was beginning to show in the children.
I still get the occasional 2am "I've gotten out of bed to poop and now I can't get off the beside commode, can you come help me get back to bed?" call. For a little while there it was REALLY common and I'd decided if I was going to be a night-time toilet rescuer that I wanted a cape and an outfit, dammit.
On a flattering-but-kinda-weirds-me-out note, my father-in-law evidently thinks I'm awesome. I volunteered to answer phones one morning during this year's public radio pledge drive (I figure if I have no money to give, I can give time instead) and ironically when he called in, I was the one who answered the phone. So his challenge that he wanted read on the air? 'For all fathers or father-in-laws to show their appreciation for their daughters/in-laws who give back to the community.' He called me yesterday to tell me that one of the things he really likes about me is that I'm a nice daughter. When I laughed he clarified that by explaining that when my mother asks for something I help, rather than telling her that she's got to take care of it herself. I (and my husband, I'm sure) would argue that I err on the side of being a little TOO helpful, that sometimes I SHOULD tell my mother no, dammit, do it yourself - but I can't wrap my head around the idea of my family (or friends, either, actually) REALLY needing help, and not attempting to help somehow. The reason my father-in-law's admiration weirds me out so much is because he's historically been kinda rough on his children. When they were younger, anyway. He just retired, and the lack of stress seems to have changed his interaction with the world significantly (and for the better).
The other day my father fell in the bathroom and was rushed to the hospital. I'm so glad his next door neighbors were home - his "I've fallen and I can't get up" button calls her, mom, & me. She came right over and found him face down over the edge of the bathtub (thank god there was no water in it), and decided to call 911 so the experts could make sure there'd not been another stroke or somesuch. She couldn't move him. While she was outside waiting for the ambulance, the other neighbor - my chorus director, actually - happened to come out to get his mail, asked her if everything was okay, and when she said no & explained, he went in and picked dad up so he'd be upright. Dad was ragdoll-limp, and while he's not big, he's still a good 120lbs of deadweight - yes, my conductor is buff. He & his wife were there with the other neighbor until my mom got there and she & dad left for the hospital in the ambulance. The neighbors then very nicely locked the front door behind them. Unfortunately, they locked the bottom lock - which nobody has a key to. We all use the deadbolt above it. So when mom & dad got home from the hospital around 1:30am, they had to call me to go around to the back of the house to unlock the door and let them in.
Nothing is ever simple, you know?
Dad's diagnosis - he'd been feeling nauseated all day and hadn't eaten or drunk anything. He's had problems with being dizzy lately, and the combination of that, lack of food/water, and congestion reducing his oxygen input (he has COPD and emphysema), there's really no surprise he went over. So far the tests seem to say that everything is fine.
My awesome husband has started teaching me python. So far, it makes sense - I've not had a whole lot of spare brain cells to give it lately, unfortunately. I'm hoping I'll be able to retain at least a LITTLE of it! Work has been kinda nutty - I have a major deadline on the 30th, and two days ago found out that I have another major deadline on May 12th. The thing due on May 12th? Last time they had to do it at work it took them a month. I'm hoping that because I'm there now it will go faster. (Not to be smug or anything.) The OMGHAIRONFIREINEEDTHESENUMBERSBYTODAY that got thrown at me and 3 other people yesterday or the day before? Found out today 'Nevermind, finance department screwed up and we don't actually have any money to spend, don't need those numbers after all.'
*sigh*
On the bright side, at least I got my new laptop at work. The old one was making me absolutely crazy. This one? Muuuuuuuuuch faster.
The most exciting thing that's happened to me personally, though?
I'VE GONE BACK TO COLLEGE!!!
Registered today, and am now filling out all the financial aid paperwork. According to the advisor (I hope to god he's right and not blowing smoke) I should be totally covered. So I'm finally going to finish my bachelors degree. (online) Am currently aiming for "social science" - a history/polisci focus. So all that free time that I had (bwahahahahahahahahaha) I've now got something to do with! It was really cool that both friends I told today were not only incredibly excited as well, but they said if there was anything they could do to help me to just let them know.
I didn't get any pictures from my most recent facepainting adventures. It's just as well, because now that I have two classes to cover, holidays are slammed trying to get to everybody. Well, more than two classes, actually - not only do I have both of my kids' classes, but since I work at a school, I get the teachers there asking if I can do it for their classes too. This means the cheek art has gotten MUCH simpler - hearts on valentine's day, 4-leaf clovers on St. Patrick's day, and decorated eggs right before easter. Not much worth taking pictures of.
I was going to do facepainting for the March of Dimes walk, but the dress rehearsal for my choral concert was rescheduled and there was no way I could miss it. :( I felt really bad cancelling on them relatively last-minute - I hope they'll keep me in mind for their next event.
Speaking of that dress rehearsal? We were singing The Creation by Haydn. (In english, thank goodness - I've been too busy to try to do it in german.) It's about 2 hours long. Or more. And the soloists do quite a bit of singing without us, the chorus - so we have chairs to sit in. Now imagine this: about 200 people, sitting down in folding plastic & metal chairs. SQUUUEEEEAAK! You should have seen the look on my director's face. He's a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to his music. So here's me in a nutshell - the next dress rehearsal (we had two) I brought a can of WD40 and tried it on my chair. It seemed to work, so after rehearsal, I spent an hour on my knees spraying the 4 joints of almost all of 200 chairs. I couldn't get to all of them before the people in the church had taken them down & put them away, but I hit most of them! Yes, I'm a bit of a perfectionist, or obsessive-compulsive, or both, why do you ask? So when we're all standing there the next day warming up before the concert, we've not sat down yet, and I'm DYING to know if the chairs still squeak. We're about to go into the back so they can open the house, and I ask our assistant director (he's a PhD student, and very inspiring) if we can sit down & stand up because I want to know if it worked! (I think he did too.) So he gets everybody's attention and says "Okay, sit down everybody. (everybody sits) Okay, stand up. (everybody stands) If you notice a difference in how your chair sounds, thank her, she sprayed them all with WD40 yesterday." Everyone started applauding, and he made me stand up and take a bow.
I have had a very gratifying life lately. :)
Both my kids have gotten into a local charter school that looks REALLY COOL, and I'm really excited about it. It's not that far away from where we live, either, which is a bonus.
Babbling I am! I'm almost out of battery as well, so I'm going to quit now. I'm sure you now have heard more than you ever wanted to about the minutiae of my life, but it's been a while since I've written, and I'm out of practice.
Hope all is well with all of you out there in cyberspace!
The United States tortures. While this doesn't exactly surprise me, it does make me feel ill. What makes me well and truly angry are the people who defend it as being worthwhile because of the intelligence we got as a result. I've got a response for them: THE END DOES NOT JUSTIFY THE MEANS.
I won't talk about that more because I honestly can't handle it yet. I get too upset.
Personally, it's been interesting.
My aunt hasn't kicked the bucket yet. And as of yesterday, she's in the infamous "doughnut hole" so all her prescriptions are now totally out of pocket. Which means that the almost $300 a month anti-depressant is not going to work; I get to talk to her doctor and see if we can go back to her previous medications (which costs less). This conversation is going to include him saying that ritalin is a stimulant, and that somebody with congestive heart failure shouldn't be taking it - and I'm going to have to do the same thing I did with the provigil argument: it's a quality of life issue, if she doesn't have much longer left anyway, what the hell difference does it make?
Fortunately we've got most of the day covered by either CNAs or an experienced caretaker - when one of the original nurses had her day job schedule changed and suddenly was unable to be there, mom & I were it for evening shift. I'm glad we've found someone to cover that, because the stress of mommy not being there (and being tired & stressed when she WAS there) was beginning to show in the children.
I still get the occasional 2am "I've gotten out of bed to poop and now I can't get off the beside commode, can you come help me get back to bed?" call. For a little while there it was REALLY common and I'd decided if I was going to be a night-time toilet rescuer that I wanted a cape and an outfit, dammit.
On a flattering-but-kinda-weirds-me-out note, my father-in-law evidently thinks I'm awesome. I volunteered to answer phones one morning during this year's public radio pledge drive (I figure if I have no money to give, I can give time instead) and ironically when he called in, I was the one who answered the phone. So his challenge that he wanted read on the air? 'For all fathers or father-in-laws to show their appreciation for their daughters/in-laws who give back to the community.' He called me yesterday to tell me that one of the things he really likes about me is that I'm a nice daughter. When I laughed he clarified that by explaining that when my mother asks for something I help, rather than telling her that she's got to take care of it herself. I (and my husband, I'm sure) would argue that I err on the side of being a little TOO helpful, that sometimes I SHOULD tell my mother no, dammit, do it yourself - but I can't wrap my head around the idea of my family (or friends, either, actually) REALLY needing help, and not attempting to help somehow. The reason my father-in-law's admiration weirds me out so much is because he's historically been kinda rough on his children. When they were younger, anyway. He just retired, and the lack of stress seems to have changed his interaction with the world significantly (and for the better).
The other day my father fell in the bathroom and was rushed to the hospital. I'm so glad his next door neighbors were home - his "I've fallen and I can't get up" button calls her, mom, & me. She came right over and found him face down over the edge of the bathtub (thank god there was no water in it), and decided to call 911 so the experts could make sure there'd not been another stroke or somesuch. She couldn't move him. While she was outside waiting for the ambulance, the other neighbor - my chorus director, actually - happened to come out to get his mail, asked her if everything was okay, and when she said no & explained, he went in and picked dad up so he'd be upright. Dad was ragdoll-limp, and while he's not big, he's still a good 120lbs of deadweight - yes, my conductor is buff. He & his wife were there with the other neighbor until my mom got there and she & dad left for the hospital in the ambulance. The neighbors then very nicely locked the front door behind them. Unfortunately, they locked the bottom lock - which nobody has a key to. We all use the deadbolt above it. So when mom & dad got home from the hospital around 1:30am, they had to call me to go around to the back of the house to unlock the door and let them in.
Nothing is ever simple, you know?
Dad's diagnosis - he'd been feeling nauseated all day and hadn't eaten or drunk anything. He's had problems with being dizzy lately, and the combination of that, lack of food/water, and congestion reducing his oxygen input (he has COPD and emphysema), there's really no surprise he went over. So far the tests seem to say that everything is fine.
My awesome husband has started teaching me python. So far, it makes sense - I've not had a whole lot of spare brain cells to give it lately, unfortunately. I'm hoping I'll be able to retain at least a LITTLE of it! Work has been kinda nutty - I have a major deadline on the 30th, and two days ago found out that I have another major deadline on May 12th. The thing due on May 12th? Last time they had to do it at work it took them a month. I'm hoping that because I'm there now it will go faster. (Not to be smug or anything.) The OMGHAIRONFIREINEEDTHESENUMBERSBYTODAY that got thrown at me and 3 other people yesterday or the day before? Found out today 'Nevermind, finance department screwed up and we don't actually have any money to spend, don't need those numbers after all.'
*sigh*
On the bright side, at least I got my new laptop at work. The old one was making me absolutely crazy. This one? Muuuuuuuuuch faster.
The most exciting thing that's happened to me personally, though?
I'VE GONE BACK TO COLLEGE!!!
Registered today, and am now filling out all the financial aid paperwork. According to the advisor (I hope to god he's right and not blowing smoke) I should be totally covered. So I'm finally going to finish my bachelors degree. (online) Am currently aiming for "social science" - a history/polisci focus. So all that free time that I had (bwahahahahahahahahaha) I've now got something to do with! It was really cool that both friends I told today were not only incredibly excited as well, but they said if there was anything they could do to help me to just let them know.
I didn't get any pictures from my most recent facepainting adventures. It's just as well, because now that I have two classes to cover, holidays are slammed trying to get to everybody. Well, more than two classes, actually - not only do I have both of my kids' classes, but since I work at a school, I get the teachers there asking if I can do it for their classes too. This means the cheek art has gotten MUCH simpler - hearts on valentine's day, 4-leaf clovers on St. Patrick's day, and decorated eggs right before easter. Not much worth taking pictures of.
I was going to do facepainting for the March of Dimes walk, but the dress rehearsal for my choral concert was rescheduled and there was no way I could miss it. :( I felt really bad cancelling on them relatively last-minute - I hope they'll keep me in mind for their next event.
Speaking of that dress rehearsal? We were singing The Creation by Haydn. (In english, thank goodness - I've been too busy to try to do it in german.) It's about 2 hours long. Or more. And the soloists do quite a bit of singing without us, the chorus - so we have chairs to sit in. Now imagine this: about 200 people, sitting down in folding plastic & metal chairs. SQUUUEEEEAAK! You should have seen the look on my director's face. He's a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to his music. So here's me in a nutshell - the next dress rehearsal (we had two) I brought a can of WD40 and tried it on my chair. It seemed to work, so after rehearsal, I spent an hour on my knees spraying the 4 joints of almost all of 200 chairs. I couldn't get to all of them before the people in the church had taken them down & put them away, but I hit most of them! Yes, I'm a bit of a perfectionist, or obsessive-compulsive, or both, why do you ask? So when we're all standing there the next day warming up before the concert, we've not sat down yet, and I'm DYING to know if the chairs still squeak. We're about to go into the back so they can open the house, and I ask our assistant director (he's a PhD student, and very inspiring) if we can sit down & stand up because I want to know if it worked! (I think he did too.) So he gets everybody's attention and says "Okay, sit down everybody. (everybody sits) Okay, stand up. (everybody stands) If you notice a difference in how your chair sounds, thank her, she sprayed them all with WD40 yesterday." Everyone started applauding, and he made me stand up and take a bow.
I have had a very gratifying life lately. :)
Both my kids have gotten into a local charter school that looks REALLY COOL, and I'm really excited about it. It's not that far away from where we live, either, which is a bonus.
Babbling I am! I'm almost out of battery as well, so I'm going to quit now. I'm sure you now have heard more than you ever wanted to about the minutiae of my life, but it's been a while since I've written, and I'm out of practice.
Hope all is well with all of you out there in cyberspace!
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
The advantages of blogging
I've not blogged in a long time. And ever since I started playing with Twitter & Facebook, any time I normally would have spent here has been frittered away elsewhere.
That being said, it's not possible to be quite as verbose as I'm used to on either one of those. And since here at the office most of my coworkers are on a different plane of existence, I've got to talk somewhere, to somebody, before I lose my ever-lovin mind.
I don't know how stay-at-home mothers do it. There are days like today, when J isn't available to chat online, when I'm so desperate to talk to a like-minded adult I could cry. There aren't a whole lot of like-minded adults out there that I know well, which is part of the problem. And those I do know - well, they have a life, and can't chat with me in the middle of the day. I am not the witty conversationalist of sparkling personality that I thought I was. *sigh*
So I've started looking into finishing college. As much as I'd like to actually BE IN a class (to meet other intelligent - or hopefully intelligent - human beings) the online route is probably going to have to do for right now. Considering how much time I spend talking to people online anyway, I won't even notice the difference. :)
Well, time to pack up and take a kid to gymnastics. After that, I'm sure there's a whole list of other things I have to do. I'm going to go take my second wellbutrin. Maybe that will help.
That being said, it's not possible to be quite as verbose as I'm used to on either one of those. And since here at the office most of my coworkers are on a different plane of existence, I've got to talk somewhere, to somebody, before I lose my ever-lovin mind.
I don't know how stay-at-home mothers do it. There are days like today, when J isn't available to chat online, when I'm so desperate to talk to a like-minded adult I could cry. There aren't a whole lot of like-minded adults out there that I know well, which is part of the problem. And those I do know - well, they have a life, and can't chat with me in the middle of the day. I am not the witty conversationalist of sparkling personality that I thought I was. *sigh*
So I've started looking into finishing college. As much as I'd like to actually BE IN a class (to meet other intelligent - or hopefully intelligent - human beings) the online route is probably going to have to do for right now. Considering how much time I spend talking to people online anyway, I won't even notice the difference. :)
Well, time to pack up and take a kid to gymnastics. After that, I'm sure there's a whole list of other things I have to do. I'm going to go take my second wellbutrin. Maybe that will help.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Please kill me before I get to this point
I'm sitting here in the living room, listening to my aunt and whomever this friend is who's come over to do her nails. My aunt is in the process of making shit up to this woman. Which she does all the time. When my mother told me that the Hospice nurse had called her supervisor, who called mom, because my aunt had told the nurse that I wasn't giving her her medications, I managed to just cuss a lot rather than call my aunt up and ask her what the FUCK was wrong with her. Withholding her meds? What? ARGH!! (This was a week or so after mom had told me she'd overheard my aunt telling some of her friends that my husband and I were having marital problems. WTF?)
Heh. I'm throwing a monkey wrench in my aunt's bullshit by telling the woman who's here what REALLY happened about the hospital bed fiasco. (That's a whole 'nother story.)
She had a recent heart attack, and has congestive heart failure, and I think the doctor said 15% injection rate - so there's not much heart there. I doubt she'll live much longer - which will probably be a blessing for all concerned. I try not to feel guilty for saying that.
The thing that kinda bothers me is that this mental stuff, that's not new. She's always told one person one thing, and another person another thing... it's just that before, the people she was telling elaborate misinformation to didn't matter. Now she's telling the nurses & home health aids stuff that's not true, and when I ask her about something, she tells ME something that's not true.... I put together a "Medical Notes" page so the nurses etc. can WRITE DOWN notes about what's gone on when I'm not there - because my aunt is not able to be relied on. It gets very frustrating sometimes. Her grasp on reality, and her view of reality, have always been a bit... different. Nowadays it seems even more disconnected.
It doesn't help that she sees her sister (my mother) as the authority figure to be rebelled against. (At least that's what it seems like.) I told my mother - if the worst were to come to pass and her sister had to go and live with her, that I was leaving the state and getting an unlisted phone #.
Heh. I'm throwing a monkey wrench in my aunt's bullshit by telling the woman who's here what REALLY happened about the hospital bed fiasco. (That's a whole 'nother story.)
She had a recent heart attack, and has congestive heart failure, and I think the doctor said 15% injection rate - so there's not much heart there. I doubt she'll live much longer - which will probably be a blessing for all concerned. I try not to feel guilty for saying that.
The thing that kinda bothers me is that this mental stuff, that's not new. She's always told one person one thing, and another person another thing... it's just that before, the people she was telling elaborate misinformation to didn't matter. Now she's telling the nurses & home health aids stuff that's not true, and when I ask her about something, she tells ME something that's not true.... I put together a "Medical Notes" page so the nurses etc. can WRITE DOWN notes about what's gone on when I'm not there - because my aunt is not able to be relied on. It gets very frustrating sometimes. Her grasp on reality, and her view of reality, have always been a bit... different. Nowadays it seems even more disconnected.
It doesn't help that she sees her sister (my mother) as the authority figure to be rebelled against. (At least that's what it seems like.) I told my mother - if the worst were to come to pass and her sister had to go and live with her, that I was leaving the state and getting an unlisted phone #.
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
We're so well matched
So J & I are sitting here, and in the course of our conversation we wondered how many ex-presidents have ever been alive at the same time. Because I'm a curious sort of person, and a geek, I whipped out my laptop and opened up excel and made a spreadsheet.
So it turns out, the most ex-presidents that have ever been alive at the same time is five.
In 1862, Martin Van Buren (died July 24), John Tyler (died Jan 18), Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, & James Buchanan - Abraham Lincoln was president.
In 1994, Richard Nixon (died April 22), Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, & George H.W. Bush were alive - Bill Clinton was president.
From 2002-2004, Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, & Bill Clinton were alive - George W. Bush was president.
Now, if you wanted to know the year that the most were ALIVE, whether they'd been president yet or not... I went back to 1732 (the year Washington was born), but there was at most 18 men alive who either had been, were, or would be president. The last year there were 18 alive was 1845 - there were many years before that.
I am now watching the Adams miniseries with my husband. Doesn't get much better than this!
So it turns out, the most ex-presidents that have ever been alive at the same time is five.
In 1862, Martin Van Buren (died July 24), John Tyler (died Jan 18), Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, & James Buchanan - Abraham Lincoln was president.
In 1994, Richard Nixon (died April 22), Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, & George H.W. Bush were alive - Bill Clinton was president.
From 2002-2004, Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, & Bill Clinton were alive - George W. Bush was president.
Now, if you wanted to know the year that the most were ALIVE, whether they'd been president yet or not... I went back to 1732 (the year Washington was born), but there was at most 18 men alive who either had been, were, or would be president. The last year there were 18 alive was 1845 - there were many years before that.
I am now watching the Adams miniseries with my husband. Doesn't get much better than this!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
I found a designer I like!
How bizarre. I've spent too much time in brain numbing net surfing.
I noticed that I liked several dresses on the red carpet that were designed by Elie Saab, so I went looking.
Not bad! Wonder if I can find some knock-offs?
I noticed that I liked several dresses on the red carpet that were designed by Elie Saab, so I went looking.
Not bad! Wonder if I can find some knock-offs?
Friday, January 30, 2009
Working from home
Totally unrelated to anything going on in my life right now, this is something that's been bugging me.
I'm not allowed to take a hundred bucks (of my own money) and bet on the outcome of the Super Bowl (not legally, I mean) but Wall Street financial gurus are allowed to take millions of dollars (OTHER people's money) and bet that 'this' particular chunk of people are going to pay their mortgages?
I'm not generally accused of being too logical, but I do TRY, and this just is beyond me. I don't hear this talked about a lot, either, which makes me wonder. People just seem stunned; they don't understand where all the money has gone. Well, a good chunk of the money was NEVER REALLY THERE to begin with - so much of economics is based on psychology - what somebody THINKS something is worth, makes it worth that much, you know? The other half - it was gambling. The banks were gambling with your retirement money, your investment money, etc. They gambled and they LOST.
Anyway, I've discovered a problem with working at home. Aside from the fact that I feel like shit, and the kids feel like shit off & on (and are 4 and 6, so are doing their normal 4 & 6 stuff aside from illness) - the problem with working at home that I've never heard anybody warn me about? The fact that my cat thinks I'm the most comfortable bed in the house. When I'm not available, he'll frequently find my open laptop to lie on. Right now he's trying to manage to lie with his head on my hands while I'm typing.
I'm a lot better than I was two or three days ago, but I'm really tired and nauseated right now. Having a very hard time concentrating on these columns of numbers. :( Hopefully I'll have more success tonight after the kids are in bed.
I'm not allowed to take a hundred bucks (of my own money) and bet on the outcome of the Super Bowl (not legally, I mean) but Wall Street financial gurus are allowed to take millions of dollars (OTHER people's money) and bet that 'this' particular chunk of people are going to pay their mortgages?
I'm not generally accused of being too logical, but I do TRY, and this just is beyond me. I don't hear this talked about a lot, either, which makes me wonder. People just seem stunned; they don't understand where all the money has gone. Well, a good chunk of the money was NEVER REALLY THERE to begin with - so much of economics is based on psychology - what somebody THINKS something is worth, makes it worth that much, you know? The other half - it was gambling. The banks were gambling with your retirement money, your investment money, etc. They gambled and they LOST.
Anyway, I've discovered a problem with working at home. Aside from the fact that I feel like shit, and the kids feel like shit off & on (and are 4 and 6, so are doing their normal 4 & 6 stuff aside from illness) - the problem with working at home that I've never heard anybody warn me about? The fact that my cat thinks I'm the most comfortable bed in the house. When I'm not available, he'll frequently find my open laptop to lie on. Right now he's trying to manage to lie with his head on my hands while I'm typing.
I'm a lot better than I was two or three days ago, but I'm really tired and nauseated right now. Having a very hard time concentrating on these columns of numbers. :( Hopefully I'll have more success tonight after the kids are in bed.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
It's 2am and my head hurts
Bitch bitch whine.
Have spent the last thirty minutes or so perusing Red Carpet Fashions and I have to ask -
do they pick ugly models on purpose?
do they tell the models to put on that face - you know, it's either "I hate you all" or "this place smells" - I think I might have seen ONE smiling.
I already think it's insanely stupid to model your fashion on walking sticks when most of the population does not (and will never) look like that - aside from the fact that I just don't think women that are that skinny are attractive. At all. If I wanted to see bones, I'd go for my anatomy book. What's wonderful about women is their CURVES. Sexy, soft or strong, curves. Why hold up as a feminine ideal somebody who looks like a concentration camp survivor? (Not to belittle concentration camp victims, but you know what I mean. At least they didn't starve THEMSELVES out of some perverted ideal of beauty.)
I'm going to try to go to sleep now. If those two tylenol pm don't kick in soon, I'm gonna cry.
Have spent the last thirty minutes or so perusing Red Carpet Fashions and I have to ask -
do they pick ugly models on purpose?
do they tell the models to put on that face - you know, it's either "I hate you all" or "this place smells" - I think I might have seen ONE smiling.
I already think it's insanely stupid to model your fashion on walking sticks when most of the population does not (and will never) look like that - aside from the fact that I just don't think women that are that skinny are attractive. At all. If I wanted to see bones, I'd go for my anatomy book. What's wonderful about women is their CURVES. Sexy, soft or strong, curves. Why hold up as a feminine ideal somebody who looks like a concentration camp survivor? (Not to belittle concentration camp victims, but you know what I mean. At least they didn't starve THEMSELVES out of some perverted ideal of beauty.)
I'm going to try to go to sleep now. If those two tylenol pm don't kick in soon, I'm gonna cry.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
I should be working
Right now, my head hurts too much to even think about looking at spreadsheets. I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything anyway. Sinus infection heading to bronchitis. (And my throat hurts too - can't really talk anymore. Difficult to be mom when you can't talk.)
I've been thinking several times as I'm driving around about things I'd like to post blog entries on, and yet, when I get home, there's always something else that takes away my attention.
Like now. 102° fever makes it hard for me to think. Brain slowly being cooked.
Hopefully, however, this post will remind me to post more often. So much to babble about lately!
I've been thinking several times as I'm driving around about things I'd like to post blog entries on, and yet, when I get home, there's always something else that takes away my attention.
Like now. 102° fever makes it hard for me to think. Brain slowly being cooked.
Hopefully, however, this post will remind me to post more often. So much to babble about lately!
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