You... and me...

we're the kind of people other people would like to be...

Some days I lose perspective. Hell, most days my perspective is at least a little skewed. I'm sure nobody that knows me finds that a surprise.

Wand'ring free...

I've forgotten so many things in my life... I'm not yet thirty (okay, I will be this year) and I sometimes wonder if I'm suffering from some early onset of senility.

My first husband used to say I had selective memory. If that were totally true, there are several memories involving him that I'd choose to permanently misplace in my mental filing cabinet.

However, that being said, I have managed to misplace quite a few memories that seemed to be more painful than useful. Misplace, or at least blur some.

We present the kind of picture people are glad to see

It took me about 12 years to become a part of a healthy, happy partnership. It required I do a lot of soul-searching - something I've done since I can remember anyway, but for years I did it with a filter that made most of the results useless. I learned a lot from two failed marriages and my parents' relationship - a lot of stuff to write down in the "what NOT to do" category.

That's why examples of communication problems resonate with me. Our ex-friends Shawna & Kris couldn't communicate, and when I finally reached overload with being the listening ear and shoulder to cry on, and told them that I'd been saying they should go to counseling for months now, and that I didn't want to be involved in the drama anymore - they stopped talking to us altogether. Part of me feels bad, and hopes they're doing okay - and part of me is relieved to be ignorant, as my cynical voice says that I doubt anything has changed.

Of course, looking back at MY history, I'm sure there have been plenty of people looking at me with cynical voices saying that they didn't think I'd change. Probably Erinn, most recently.

I will say this, it wasn't easy. It took almost losing marriage #3 to make the breakthrough complete, I believe.

It's why I have such a hard time watching my parents interact. Even before I could walk, I was overly empathetic. Mom tells me of times when as a toddler I would rub her head when she had a headache. I've always been an interesting mix of empathetic and egotistically self-absorbed. It made puberty an absolute hell. I want people to be happy. I ache for unhappy people. For years, I handed out girl scout cookies made of my compassion, my energy, and my guilt (thank you Robert for the girl scout cookie machine analogy) and left nothing for myself.

Going from that place, to this... it occasionally brings me to tears. How amazing life is.

And we don't care that tomorrow comes with no guarantee

My husband is a wonderful influence on me when it comes to letting go. Letting things go is a skill I'd never learned. I really think it is a necessary skill to maintain sanity, especially in today's world. Who knows, maybe after many years together, I'll be able to let go of my self-consciousness enough to learn to dance.

We've each other for company...
And come what may, you and me
Will stay together...

I'd forgotten how difficult a divorce is. The levels of anger, hurt, despair, confusion, guilt... somehow, I've been through it twice, and I guess it's like pain memory - they say people don't really remember pain to its fullest extent. Having now had two children, I have to agree - any woman that could remember pain in its entirety would probably never have more than one child. My psyche has blanked out some things. I'm left holding the empty file folder and hoping there wasn't anything important in it... because I'd like to be able to help. I've figured out where my limits are; I'm much better at being honest with myself - and others - about what I'm capable of, and where I have to draw the line. I value people who allow me to draw a line - because I've discovered that without my own personal strength and sanity, I'm incapable of being a friend to anybody. I can't make girl scout cookies with nothing left in the pantry. I've finally learned some self-respect, and have learned that people who do not respect me do not deserve my cookies. So in a way, it's a good thing that at this time in my life I have so few friends - I'm still figuring out my recipes, and this gives me time to go slowly.

year after year
Won't we my dear...

Next month is our third anniversary. Maybe we'll actually remember it this time. :)

We'll always be
you
and
me

It took me 28 years to figure out who I am. Without that knowledge, I would be incapable of even SEEING who you are. (Or appreciating you, either.)

I'm elated at how far I've come.
I'm humbled by how far I have yet to go.
I'm glad I get to do it with my best friend.

I hope everybody can get there.