Manic, or just not depressed?

Yesterday was great. Justin was at work all night and didn't get home until morning. Patrick offered to take me & the kids to Ice Age 2, which was perfect because then we'd be out of the house for a while so J could get some sleep. (Thank you for the movie, Uncle Patrick! It was a lot of fun, even with C so tired.) We dropped by Broadway to see if Uncle Ben was working - he was, and Uncle Noah was there too! Ben comped us lunch (Thanks, Uncle Ben! You're a sweetie - us broke people appreciate your generosity.) and then we went to Tar-zhea to get silverware. Uncle Patrick was feeling domestic. Amongst other things. (So do you like the silverware, or have you had a chance to use it? We can still go to BB&B if you want. {evil grin}) We drove thru Summerbrooke to see a friend's new house - you know, the neighborhood's okay, but most of the houses in there don't do much for me. I mean, they're obviously large and expensive, but... eh. We headed back home & broke out a puzzle while giving J a little longer to nap - I'm not sure why I picked a 1000 piece puzzle. I think I'm a masochist. Oh, who am I kidding? I love puzzles. After putting the kids to bed, we all geeked out with a D&D game. J's really coming along as a DM, and I was in a great mood and really into it. Didn't want to stop, in fact, so taking P home around 2am sucked. When I got back home, after J put Moira back to bed, we got some exercise and then headed for sleep.

That's the point at which I started thinking. The Wellbutrin seems to be doing well for me. So was I manic? Or just not depressed for the first time in forever? I felt like I did at the beginning of high school. Without the angst, mind you. I feel like writing. I used to write stories, and poetry... heck, my stories won awards... but I've not felt really creative in a long while. My libido seems to be coming back. {grin} I don't look at all the things around me and feel overwhelmed - I just feel like shrugging and saying, 'well, better get started!' I explained it to J that it was as though I'd been wearing sunglasses for so long I'd forgotten they were on there, and then took them off, and OMG, it's BRIGHT out here!

But maybe I'm rationalizing. Maybe these are manic spikes. Maybe it's dangerous to enjoy them too much. I feel like singing... I feel like dancing... I can say "this is the first day of the rest of my life" and it doesn't make me feel tired! I made six custard pies the other day; there are still 3 1/2 in the fridge. (I need to deliver them to my parents' house.) I want to plant a garden, and some flowers... it's spring... I almost feel like I'm in love; it's that giddy happiness you have when you look at the world. Do normal people sometimes feel like this? Should I be worried?

Those of you reading who aren't familiar with bipolar disorder may be saying "Hey, what's the big deal? You feel good! Enjoy it!" On some level, I am. Man, it sucks that an illness can make you WORRIED when you're happy. When I'm manic, I'm a lot more likely to do stupid, reckless things. I bite off more than I can chew. I overextend myself. My inhibitions are lowered. My emotions are more open to the world - and those of you who know me, know I wear my heart on my sleeve as it is - becoming MORE exposed sorta makes me tremble to think about.

And that seems to describe me lately.

But then there's the voice inside my head - the one most depressives have, that says "What if this is not an illness, not some sort of brain chemical imbalance, but just evidence that you're an awful person? That you're selfish and undisciplined and lazy? What if this is just a particularly awful character flaw? Am I copping out; blaming a mental illness for being a horrid bitch? What is wrong with me that I can't control my feelings more; that I can't behave normally? On some level do I WANT to be diagnosed as mentally ill because it gives me license to misbehave?"

Okay, wow, that did a good job of bringing me down.

But after going and re-reading this post, I don't feel beaten down. I look out my back door, and think that while I don't begrudge any creature having happy sex, I do wish the oak trees weren't spooging all over everything. (How's THAT for a mental picture?) I'm glad I don't have pollen allergies.

However, now that I've used this space to babble and generally attempt to explore the inside of my skull, I do really need to get to work on this house - it's been a constant source of stress (along with finances) and if I can just get it a little less cluttered I'd be happier. I'm even planning on taking stuff over to Kaye's for her giant garage sale, whenever that ends up being held.

And to totally geek out (like playing D&D all hours of the night isn't geeky enough, right?) I cannot WAIT to see West Wing tonight!!!! {bounces off}