You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
What is it about family? Jeez, I'm tired of this crap.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
STOP THE RIDE I WANNA GET OFF
It's days like today that make me very, very glad that I had a conversation with my doctor a little while back wherein we upped my anti-depressant dosage.
Yesterday I had to fire one of the the CNAs that has been taking care of my terminal aunt. She didn't show up at 8 when she was supposed to - never actually showed up at all. This is after several times of her being over an hour late, or not showing up - ooo, or there's the day the guy she's living with called to tell my aunt she'd been drinking, that was fun... This means I have nobody to cover Saturday & Sunday day shift, which means 9 times out of 10, I'll be doing it. If you know a CNA or caretaker with experience taking care of the elderly, I have a bed-bound elderly congestive heart failure morbidly obese woman for them to take care of. Hourly rate negotiable.
Tuesday I have a "monitoring" at work. I have a box of documentation that I have to put together - that incidentally took them a month to do last time, and I was given 2 weeks - and then somehow get that box to the monitoring people, who are not physically there. I believe I read somewhere that we should fax things. If that's the case, I will be sitting at the fax machine for hours. No exaggeration. So I'm trying to get an all-in-one printer/scanner/copier that I found in a back room working, so hopefully I can SCAN everything and send it to them. (It'll still take hours.) We're being monitored, and the outcome of this monitoring will affect whether or not we get our grant next year.
Day before yesterday, I think it was, Obama released the details of his budget. My mother called me at work, in the middle of a meeting with my team members about getting things together for this monitoring. She told me that the federal grant project that I work under has been completely eliminated, because the data says that it doesn't work. I'm not sure which is more depressing - looking at the possibility of no job in 2010, or knowing that the data shows that what we're doing is useless. (Granted, I'm sure that means overall, country-wide - who knows, maybe in our county we actually DO make a difference. I can hope.)
So all this stress, all this work, may be ultimately pointless. We have to write a brand new grant next year anyway, and evidently we're still going to do that, even though the project may cease to exist.
I hate doing pointless shit. It bothers me on a core level.
That's one of the main reasons that I never finished college, I think. I hate filling out paperwork. It gives me borderline anxiety attacks.
But, I finally got off my ass, filled out the FAFSA, the application for a Stafford loan, and I'm going back to school to finish my bachelors degree. Online, of course - there's no way schedule wise I could actually go sit in a class. School starts Tuesday. Yes, the same Tuesday as my work deadline. Sadly, my books have not yet arrived, and the pdf files of the first couple of chapters (that they kindly provide in case your books haven't arrived yet) for whatever reason will not open on my computer. I've not had a chance to ask tech support if the files are indeed damaged, which is what it says when I try to open them.
The other major paperwork that I filled out/have been filling out is all the stuff for my aunt's long term care insurance. I got the phone call yesterday from her (that I avoided, btw, it went to my voicemail) that they're sending the "4th and final" copy of a form that they evidently need filled out. I thought I already had. Who the fuck knows; I'm going to have to do it AGAIN and send it return receipt mail. Mom has already paid out more than a thousand dollars to these caretakers, and if she doesn't get reimbursed, life is going to suck.
I've ended up in the hospital with both my parents, on separate days, in the last month. Dad you already know about. That night ended with me unlocking the back door & letting them into their house, and also by showering dad & getting him into bed - something mom couldn't have done on her own, so I'm glad I was there.
One of the reasons mom couldn't have done it herself is because she has a hernia. A massive one. It goes at least halfway across her abdomen. This will be the {counts in my head} 4th? 5th? hernia. The first 3 she had surgery for. The fourth surgery was to take care of the grapefruit sized seroma that had formed. While the doctor was in taking care of that one, he discovered that all the mesh he had put in to hold her together in the first three surgeries hadn't adhered the way they were supposed to, and were basically just curled up and useless, so he had to get those out before they caused a problem. When mom developed this last one, he said to wait and watch - unless it caused a problem, we'd leave it alone.
Well, I ended up in the emergency room with her on Cinco de Mayo - up until then, when she felt stuff pushing out, she could push it back in. Except now she couldn't get it pushed back in. And it hurt. A lot. And she started throwing up. All signs point to: strangulated hernia. So she's lying on her bed, having just thrown up, and says she's really cold, so I pull the blanket over her (thinking to myself hrm, fever... not good) and ask her why she hadn't been getting dressed to go to the ER while I was on my way over. She wasn't sure she should go. I had to call her insurance's urgent care facility, to verify that they didn't have the equipment necessary to diagnose a strangulated hernia, before she'd agree to go to the hospital. So while we're in the waiting room, it pops back in. We got a doctor who was very surprised at our level of education and understanding (I didn't bother mentioning that I used to be a pre-med major) checked her out and said yeah, you're probably right, call your surgeon in the morning and talk to him about what to do next. We were in and out of the emergency room in - are you sitting down? - THREE HOURS. It's a fucking record.
While all this in my life is going on, my palm Centro (that I love to pieces) has had all it's data wiped (I was trying to do an OS update, it was acting squirrelly) and my iPod had started malfunctioning too. So I don't have any of my contacts with me anymore. Makes it hard to call caretakers to take care of my aunt, or anything else, really.
Two weeks ago I got the kids up to get them dressed & take them to school early, because I had a meeting at work at 8:30am (that _I_ had called), and my son (who is almost 5) is in almost screaming hysterics saying his penis hurts, and he won't let me look. He had said the day before that when his pee came out it felt REALLY hot, and I asked J about it when I got home that night (first thing in my mind was urinary tract infection) but he said sometimes it feels really hot coming out, it's not a big deal. Well, after that morning, it had become a big deal. So I take my daughter to school. I park and walk her in, and while I'm walking back to my car, my aunt calls - the caretaker who was supposed to be there at 8 hadn't shown up yet, and it was 8:30 or 8:45 already. So I called the caretaker, and she said that she'd had to talk to her son's teachers, and was running late, but was on her way. When I get back to my car, it won't start. I have to go back inside and ask if anybody can jump my car off - I have cables. Once I get it jumped, I head to the doctor's office. As I'm pulling into the driveway, the caretaker calls again. She says that there are problems with her son, and she won't be able to make it at all today. It's now about 9am. So I park the car, and go inside, trying to figure out how to get my aunt taken care of while I'm in the doctor's office with my son. I just walked in with no appointment, and they were amazingly kind and fit me in really quickly. The woman behind the desk saw my face and asked me if I needed a hug - I said at this point, I probably needed a tranquilizer. Sure enough, it was a UTI, and they gave me a prescription for antibiotics. Guess what happened when I went to leave? Yup, car wouldn't start. Had to walk back into the doctor's office again (about to completely lose it at this point) and ask if anybody there could jump my car off. At this point my memory is fuzzy - I think I went to go take care of my aunt, but I'm really not sure. I think I got to work around noon.
I still haven't gotten a new battery (or checked the water in mine, maybe I'll remember to go do that in ten minutes when I take a break from work) but fortunately I have a portable battery jumper thing. I think the most I've ever had to jump start the car is 3 times in one day.
I'm tired.
Today my son's behaviour was so atrocious (and his sister's only marginally better) that both J & I completely lost our temper. When they refused to clean up their room, J & I did it for them - anything that was on the floor went either into the trash, or into a box for goodwill. The hysterics THAT engendered was exhausting. More exhausting for me is knowing that a large part of the reason why they (especially he) is acting this way is because they're stressed out, because I'm stressed out, and haven't spent nearly as much time with them as I should have. And J's had a massive deadline at work too, and then last week it was like murphy's law decided to beat him up - all kinds of shit broke at his office. So he's been busy, and working god knows how many hours a week.
So I've been depressed anyway, feeling guilty, feeling tired, feeling ANGRY, because I'm tired of having to do all this. I'm tired of being an only child with older parents. I'm tired of being my aunt's only younger relative that is in any way responsible enough or sane enough to take care of her. (I have two cousins in California - one is in jail, and her two children are being raised by my uncle & his wife, and the other has gotten in and out of trouble for years, and I'm not even sure where she is now.) I love my kids to death, but I'm not a good mother, and they deserve better. J has to wake up every day, never knowing if I'm going to be a competent, helpful, loving partner, or a fucking basket case that drains all his energy and requires him to basically be a single parent. Worse than a single parent, because he has to deal with me, too. (Those times haven't been as frequent lately, thank god.)
So, like I said, it's a good thing that about a month or so ago I went to my doctor, concerned about my memory loss, and had my anti-depressant dose updated. Because I'd probably be at commit-me level of insanity right now otherwise.
*UPDATE*
That steak cheese & mushroom sub from hungry howie's that I just finished has been the best thing that's happened this weekend. My husband is awesome.
Yesterday I had to fire one of the the CNAs that has been taking care of my terminal aunt. She didn't show up at 8 when she was supposed to - never actually showed up at all. This is after several times of her being over an hour late, or not showing up - ooo, or there's the day the guy she's living with called to tell my aunt she'd been drinking, that was fun... This means I have nobody to cover Saturday & Sunday day shift, which means 9 times out of 10, I'll be doing it. If you know a CNA or caretaker with experience taking care of the elderly, I have a bed-bound elderly congestive heart failure morbidly obese woman for them to take care of. Hourly rate negotiable.
Tuesday I have a "monitoring" at work. I have a box of documentation that I have to put together - that incidentally took them a month to do last time, and I was given 2 weeks - and then somehow get that box to the monitoring people, who are not physically there. I believe I read somewhere that we should fax things. If that's the case, I will be sitting at the fax machine for hours. No exaggeration. So I'm trying to get an all-in-one printer/scanner/copier that I found in a back room working, so hopefully I can SCAN everything and send it to them. (It'll still take hours.) We're being monitored, and the outcome of this monitoring will affect whether or not we get our grant next year.
Day before yesterday, I think it was, Obama released the details of his budget. My mother called me at work, in the middle of a meeting with my team members about getting things together for this monitoring. She told me that the federal grant project that I work under has been completely eliminated, because the data says that it doesn't work. I'm not sure which is more depressing - looking at the possibility of no job in 2010, or knowing that the data shows that what we're doing is useless. (Granted, I'm sure that means overall, country-wide - who knows, maybe in our county we actually DO make a difference. I can hope.)
So all this stress, all this work, may be ultimately pointless. We have to write a brand new grant next year anyway, and evidently we're still going to do that, even though the project may cease to exist.
I hate doing pointless shit. It bothers me on a core level.
That's one of the main reasons that I never finished college, I think. I hate filling out paperwork. It gives me borderline anxiety attacks.
But, I finally got off my ass, filled out the FAFSA, the application for a Stafford loan, and I'm going back to school to finish my bachelors degree. Online, of course - there's no way schedule wise I could actually go sit in a class. School starts Tuesday. Yes, the same Tuesday as my work deadline. Sadly, my books have not yet arrived, and the pdf files of the first couple of chapters (that they kindly provide in case your books haven't arrived yet) for whatever reason will not open on my computer. I've not had a chance to ask tech support if the files are indeed damaged, which is what it says when I try to open them.
The other major paperwork that I filled out/have been filling out is all the stuff for my aunt's long term care insurance. I got the phone call yesterday from her (that I avoided, btw, it went to my voicemail) that they're sending the "4th and final" copy of a form that they evidently need filled out. I thought I already had. Who the fuck knows; I'm going to have to do it AGAIN and send it return receipt mail. Mom has already paid out more than a thousand dollars to these caretakers, and if she doesn't get reimbursed, life is going to suck.
I've ended up in the hospital with both my parents, on separate days, in the last month. Dad you already know about. That night ended with me unlocking the back door & letting them into their house, and also by showering dad & getting him into bed - something mom couldn't have done on her own, so I'm glad I was there.
One of the reasons mom couldn't have done it herself is because she has a hernia. A massive one. It goes at least halfway across her abdomen. This will be the {counts in my head} 4th? 5th? hernia. The first 3 she had surgery for. The fourth surgery was to take care of the grapefruit sized seroma that had formed. While the doctor was in taking care of that one, he discovered that all the mesh he had put in to hold her together in the first three surgeries hadn't adhered the way they were supposed to, and were basically just curled up and useless, so he had to get those out before they caused a problem. When mom developed this last one, he said to wait and watch - unless it caused a problem, we'd leave it alone.
Well, I ended up in the emergency room with her on Cinco de Mayo - up until then, when she felt stuff pushing out, she could push it back in. Except now she couldn't get it pushed back in. And it hurt. A lot. And she started throwing up. All signs point to: strangulated hernia. So she's lying on her bed, having just thrown up, and says she's really cold, so I pull the blanket over her (thinking to myself hrm, fever... not good) and ask her why she hadn't been getting dressed to go to the ER while I was on my way over. She wasn't sure she should go. I had to call her insurance's urgent care facility, to verify that they didn't have the equipment necessary to diagnose a strangulated hernia, before she'd agree to go to the hospital. So while we're in the waiting room, it pops back in. We got a doctor who was very surprised at our level of education and understanding (I didn't bother mentioning that I used to be a pre-med major) checked her out and said yeah, you're probably right, call your surgeon in the morning and talk to him about what to do next. We were in and out of the emergency room in - are you sitting down? - THREE HOURS. It's a fucking record.
While all this in my life is going on, my palm Centro (that I love to pieces) has had all it's data wiped (I was trying to do an OS update, it was acting squirrelly) and my iPod had started malfunctioning too. So I don't have any of my contacts with me anymore. Makes it hard to call caretakers to take care of my aunt, or anything else, really.
Two weeks ago I got the kids up to get them dressed & take them to school early, because I had a meeting at work at 8:30am (that _I_ had called), and my son (who is almost 5) is in almost screaming hysterics saying his penis hurts, and he won't let me look. He had said the day before that when his pee came out it felt REALLY hot, and I asked J about it when I got home that night (first thing in my mind was urinary tract infection) but he said sometimes it feels really hot coming out, it's not a big deal. Well, after that morning, it had become a big deal. So I take my daughter to school. I park and walk her in, and while I'm walking back to my car, my aunt calls - the caretaker who was supposed to be there at 8 hadn't shown up yet, and it was 8:30 or 8:45 already. So I called the caretaker, and she said that she'd had to talk to her son's teachers, and was running late, but was on her way. When I get back to my car, it won't start. I have to go back inside and ask if anybody can jump my car off - I have cables. Once I get it jumped, I head to the doctor's office. As I'm pulling into the driveway, the caretaker calls again. She says that there are problems with her son, and she won't be able to make it at all today. It's now about 9am. So I park the car, and go inside, trying to figure out how to get my aunt taken care of while I'm in the doctor's office with my son. I just walked in with no appointment, and they were amazingly kind and fit me in really quickly. The woman behind the desk saw my face and asked me if I needed a hug - I said at this point, I probably needed a tranquilizer. Sure enough, it was a UTI, and they gave me a prescription for antibiotics. Guess what happened when I went to leave? Yup, car wouldn't start. Had to walk back into the doctor's office again (about to completely lose it at this point) and ask if anybody there could jump my car off. At this point my memory is fuzzy - I think I went to go take care of my aunt, but I'm really not sure. I think I got to work around noon.
I still haven't gotten a new battery (or checked the water in mine, maybe I'll remember to go do that in ten minutes when I take a break from work) but fortunately I have a portable battery jumper thing. I think the most I've ever had to jump start the car is 3 times in one day.
I'm tired.
Today my son's behaviour was so atrocious (and his sister's only marginally better) that both J & I completely lost our temper. When they refused to clean up their room, J & I did it for them - anything that was on the floor went either into the trash, or into a box for goodwill. The hysterics THAT engendered was exhausting. More exhausting for me is knowing that a large part of the reason why they (especially he) is acting this way is because they're stressed out, because I'm stressed out, and haven't spent nearly as much time with them as I should have. And J's had a massive deadline at work too, and then last week it was like murphy's law decided to beat him up - all kinds of shit broke at his office. So he's been busy, and working god knows how many hours a week.
So I've been depressed anyway, feeling guilty, feeling tired, feeling ANGRY, because I'm tired of having to do all this. I'm tired of being an only child with older parents. I'm tired of being my aunt's only younger relative that is in any way responsible enough or sane enough to take care of her. (I have two cousins in California - one is in jail, and her two children are being raised by my uncle & his wife, and the other has gotten in and out of trouble for years, and I'm not even sure where she is now.) I love my kids to death, but I'm not a good mother, and they deserve better. J has to wake up every day, never knowing if I'm going to be a competent, helpful, loving partner, or a fucking basket case that drains all his energy and requires him to basically be a single parent. Worse than a single parent, because he has to deal with me, too. (Those times haven't been as frequent lately, thank god.)
So, like I said, it's a good thing that about a month or so ago I went to my doctor, concerned about my memory loss, and had my anti-depressant dose updated. Because I'd probably be at commit-me level of insanity right now otherwise.
*UPDATE*
That steak cheese & mushroom sub from hungry howie's that I just finished has been the best thing that's happened this weekend. My husband is awesome.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Crashing
Well, that good mood and cheerful outlook on life got beat up pretty quickly.
I remembered one of the main reasons I hadn't finished college.
I hate filling out forms.
Bureaucratic hoops that I have to jump through make me anxious and cranky.
Add to that the phone call from my aunt I just got - the caretaker who works nights just didn't show up tonight. We're not sure if she didn't realize she worked Saturday & Sunday (because I can't remember if that was brought up or not) or what, and so far we've not been able to get a hold of her. The MORNING nurse was an hour and a half late, and when my aunt pointed out that she'd not had anything to drink or eat, and that she is basically helpless if there's nobody there, the nurse got all pissy and said well, do you want me to leave? If I don't come, I don't get paid. (Implying that that was the only consideration.) So the hell with her, I'll find somebody else. After the phone call from the guy she was living with who said she'd been drinking (?!) before she showed up one day, and the other time or two she came late, and the attitude - I'm tired of it.
So I'm headed over to my aunt's apartment. She's getting on her bedside commode and will need her ass wiped.
Then I'm going to come home and take a long, wonderfully scented, bubbly shower.
If anybody would like to take me out for drinks afterwards, call me.
*sigh*
I remembered one of the main reasons I hadn't finished college.
I hate filling out forms.
Bureaucratic hoops that I have to jump through make me anxious and cranky.
Add to that the phone call from my aunt I just got - the caretaker who works nights just didn't show up tonight. We're not sure if she didn't realize she worked Saturday & Sunday (because I can't remember if that was brought up or not) or what, and so far we've not been able to get a hold of her. The MORNING nurse was an hour and a half late, and when my aunt pointed out that she'd not had anything to drink or eat, and that she is basically helpless if there's nobody there, the nurse got all pissy and said well, do you want me to leave? If I don't come, I don't get paid. (Implying that that was the only consideration.) So the hell with her, I'll find somebody else. After the phone call from the guy she was living with who said she'd been drinking (?!) before she showed up one day, and the other time or two she came late, and the attitude - I'm tired of it.
So I'm headed over to my aunt's apartment. She's getting on her bedside commode and will need her ass wiped.
Then I'm going to come home and take a long, wonderfully scented, bubbly shower.
If anybody would like to take me out for drinks afterwards, call me.
*sigh*
Friday, April 24, 2009
The previous post was a wonderful example of irony.
Entitled "Speechless" and INCREDIBLY WORDY.
No, I didn't do it on purpose.
No, I didn't do it on purpose.
Speechless
So much has happened lately. Both personally and nationally.
The United States tortures. While this doesn't exactly surprise me, it does make me feel ill. What makes me well and truly angry are the people who defend it as being worthwhile because of the intelligence we got as a result. I've got a response for them: THE END DOES NOT JUSTIFY THE MEANS.
I won't talk about that more because I honestly can't handle it yet. I get too upset.
Personally, it's been interesting.
My aunt hasn't kicked the bucket yet. And as of yesterday, she's in the infamous "doughnut hole" so all her prescriptions are now totally out of pocket. Which means that the almost $300 a month anti-depressant is not going to work; I get to talk to her doctor and see if we can go back to her previous medications (which costs less). This conversation is going to include him saying that ritalin is a stimulant, and that somebody with congestive heart failure shouldn't be taking it - and I'm going to have to do the same thing I did with the provigil argument: it's a quality of life issue, if she doesn't have much longer left anyway, what the hell difference does it make?
Fortunately we've got most of the day covered by either CNAs or an experienced caretaker - when one of the original nurses had her day job schedule changed and suddenly was unable to be there, mom & I were it for evening shift. I'm glad we've found someone to cover that, because the stress of mommy not being there (and being tired & stressed when she WAS there) was beginning to show in the children.
I still get the occasional 2am "I've gotten out of bed to poop and now I can't get off the beside commode, can you come help me get back to bed?" call. For a little while there it was REALLY common and I'd decided if I was going to be a night-time toilet rescuer that I wanted a cape and an outfit, dammit.
On a flattering-but-kinda-weirds-me-out note, my father-in-law evidently thinks I'm awesome. I volunteered to answer phones one morning during this year's public radio pledge drive (I figure if I have no money to give, I can give time instead) and ironically when he called in, I was the one who answered the phone. So his challenge that he wanted read on the air? 'For all fathers or father-in-laws to show their appreciation for their daughters/in-laws who give back to the community.' He called me yesterday to tell me that one of the things he really likes about me is that I'm a nice daughter. When I laughed he clarified that by explaining that when my mother asks for something I help, rather than telling her that she's got to take care of it herself. I (and my husband, I'm sure) would argue that I err on the side of being a little TOO helpful, that sometimes I SHOULD tell my mother no, dammit, do it yourself - but I can't wrap my head around the idea of my family (or friends, either, actually) REALLY needing help, and not attempting to help somehow. The reason my father-in-law's admiration weirds me out so much is because he's historically been kinda rough on his children. When they were younger, anyway. He just retired, and the lack of stress seems to have changed his interaction with the world significantly (and for the better).
The other day my father fell in the bathroom and was rushed to the hospital. I'm so glad his next door neighbors were home - his "I've fallen and I can't get up" button calls her, mom, & me. She came right over and found him face down over the edge of the bathtub (thank god there was no water in it), and decided to call 911 so the experts could make sure there'd not been another stroke or somesuch. She couldn't move him. While she was outside waiting for the ambulance, the other neighbor - my chorus director, actually - happened to come out to get his mail, asked her if everything was okay, and when she said no & explained, he went in and picked dad up so he'd be upright. Dad was ragdoll-limp, and while he's not big, he's still a good 120lbs of deadweight - yes, my conductor is buff. He & his wife were there with the other neighbor until my mom got there and she & dad left for the hospital in the ambulance. The neighbors then very nicely locked the front door behind them. Unfortunately, they locked the bottom lock - which nobody has a key to. We all use the deadbolt above it. So when mom & dad got home from the hospital around 1:30am, they had to call me to go around to the back of the house to unlock the door and let them in.
Nothing is ever simple, you know?
Dad's diagnosis - he'd been feeling nauseated all day and hadn't eaten or drunk anything. He's had problems with being dizzy lately, and the combination of that, lack of food/water, and congestion reducing his oxygen input (he has COPD and emphysema), there's really no surprise he went over. So far the tests seem to say that everything is fine.
My awesome husband has started teaching me python. So far, it makes sense - I've not had a whole lot of spare brain cells to give it lately, unfortunately. I'm hoping I'll be able to retain at least a LITTLE of it! Work has been kinda nutty - I have a major deadline on the 30th, and two days ago found out that I have another major deadline on May 12th. The thing due on May 12th? Last time they had to do it at work it took them a month. I'm hoping that because I'm there now it will go faster. (Not to be smug or anything.) The OMGHAIRONFIREINEEDTHESENUMBERSBYTODAY that got thrown at me and 3 other people yesterday or the day before? Found out today 'Nevermind, finance department screwed up and we don't actually have any money to spend, don't need those numbers after all.'
*sigh*
On the bright side, at least I got my new laptop at work. The old one was making me absolutely crazy. This one? Muuuuuuuuuch faster.
The most exciting thing that's happened to me personally, though?
I'VE GONE BACK TO COLLEGE!!!
Registered today, and am now filling out all the financial aid paperwork. According to the advisor (I hope to god he's right and not blowing smoke) I should be totally covered. So I'm finally going to finish my bachelors degree. (online) Am currently aiming for "social science" - a history/polisci focus. So all that free time that I had (bwahahahahahahahahaha) I've now got something to do with! It was really cool that both friends I told today were not only incredibly excited as well, but they said if there was anything they could do to help me to just let them know.
I didn't get any pictures from my most recent facepainting adventures. It's just as well, because now that I have two classes to cover, holidays are slammed trying to get to everybody. Well, more than two classes, actually - not only do I have both of my kids' classes, but since I work at a school, I get the teachers there asking if I can do it for their classes too. This means the cheek art has gotten MUCH simpler - hearts on valentine's day, 4-leaf clovers on St. Patrick's day, and decorated eggs right before easter. Not much worth taking pictures of.
I was going to do facepainting for the March of Dimes walk, but the dress rehearsal for my choral concert was rescheduled and there was no way I could miss it. :( I felt really bad cancelling on them relatively last-minute - I hope they'll keep me in mind for their next event.
Speaking of that dress rehearsal? We were singing The Creation by Haydn. (In english, thank goodness - I've been too busy to try to do it in german.) It's about 2 hours long. Or more. And the soloists do quite a bit of singing without us, the chorus - so we have chairs to sit in. Now imagine this: about 200 people, sitting down in folding plastic & metal chairs. SQUUUEEEEAAK! You should have seen the look on my director's face. He's a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to his music. So here's me in a nutshell - the next dress rehearsal (we had two) I brought a can of WD40 and tried it on my chair. It seemed to work, so after rehearsal, I spent an hour on my knees spraying the 4 joints of almost all of 200 chairs. I couldn't get to all of them before the people in the church had taken them down & put them away, but I hit most of them! Yes, I'm a bit of a perfectionist, or obsessive-compulsive, or both, why do you ask? So when we're all standing there the next day warming up before the concert, we've not sat down yet, and I'm DYING to know if the chairs still squeak. We're about to go into the back so they can open the house, and I ask our assistant director (he's a PhD student, and very inspiring) if we can sit down & stand up because I want to know if it worked! (I think he did too.) So he gets everybody's attention and says "Okay, sit down everybody. (everybody sits) Okay, stand up. (everybody stands) If you notice a difference in how your chair sounds, thank her, she sprayed them all with WD40 yesterday." Everyone started applauding, and he made me stand up and take a bow.
I have had a very gratifying life lately. :)
Both my kids have gotten into a local charter school that looks REALLY COOL, and I'm really excited about it. It's not that far away from where we live, either, which is a bonus.
Babbling I am! I'm almost out of battery as well, so I'm going to quit now. I'm sure you now have heard more than you ever wanted to about the minutiae of my life, but it's been a while since I've written, and I'm out of practice.
Hope all is well with all of you out there in cyberspace!
The United States tortures. While this doesn't exactly surprise me, it does make me feel ill. What makes me well and truly angry are the people who defend it as being worthwhile because of the intelligence we got as a result. I've got a response for them: THE END DOES NOT JUSTIFY THE MEANS.
I won't talk about that more because I honestly can't handle it yet. I get too upset.
Personally, it's been interesting.
My aunt hasn't kicked the bucket yet. And as of yesterday, she's in the infamous "doughnut hole" so all her prescriptions are now totally out of pocket. Which means that the almost $300 a month anti-depressant is not going to work; I get to talk to her doctor and see if we can go back to her previous medications (which costs less). This conversation is going to include him saying that ritalin is a stimulant, and that somebody with congestive heart failure shouldn't be taking it - and I'm going to have to do the same thing I did with the provigil argument: it's a quality of life issue, if she doesn't have much longer left anyway, what the hell difference does it make?
Fortunately we've got most of the day covered by either CNAs or an experienced caretaker - when one of the original nurses had her day job schedule changed and suddenly was unable to be there, mom & I were it for evening shift. I'm glad we've found someone to cover that, because the stress of mommy not being there (and being tired & stressed when she WAS there) was beginning to show in the children.
I still get the occasional 2am "I've gotten out of bed to poop and now I can't get off the beside commode, can you come help me get back to bed?" call. For a little while there it was REALLY common and I'd decided if I was going to be a night-time toilet rescuer that I wanted a cape and an outfit, dammit.
On a flattering-but-kinda-weirds-me-out note, my father-in-law evidently thinks I'm awesome. I volunteered to answer phones one morning during this year's public radio pledge drive (I figure if I have no money to give, I can give time instead) and ironically when he called in, I was the one who answered the phone. So his challenge that he wanted read on the air? 'For all fathers or father-in-laws to show their appreciation for their daughters/in-laws who give back to the community.' He called me yesterday to tell me that one of the things he really likes about me is that I'm a nice daughter. When I laughed he clarified that by explaining that when my mother asks for something I help, rather than telling her that she's got to take care of it herself. I (and my husband, I'm sure) would argue that I err on the side of being a little TOO helpful, that sometimes I SHOULD tell my mother no, dammit, do it yourself - but I can't wrap my head around the idea of my family (or friends, either, actually) REALLY needing help, and not attempting to help somehow. The reason my father-in-law's admiration weirds me out so much is because he's historically been kinda rough on his children. When they were younger, anyway. He just retired, and the lack of stress seems to have changed his interaction with the world significantly (and for the better).
The other day my father fell in the bathroom and was rushed to the hospital. I'm so glad his next door neighbors were home - his "I've fallen and I can't get up" button calls her, mom, & me. She came right over and found him face down over the edge of the bathtub (thank god there was no water in it), and decided to call 911 so the experts could make sure there'd not been another stroke or somesuch. She couldn't move him. While she was outside waiting for the ambulance, the other neighbor - my chorus director, actually - happened to come out to get his mail, asked her if everything was okay, and when she said no & explained, he went in and picked dad up so he'd be upright. Dad was ragdoll-limp, and while he's not big, he's still a good 120lbs of deadweight - yes, my conductor is buff. He & his wife were there with the other neighbor until my mom got there and she & dad left for the hospital in the ambulance. The neighbors then very nicely locked the front door behind them. Unfortunately, they locked the bottom lock - which nobody has a key to. We all use the deadbolt above it. So when mom & dad got home from the hospital around 1:30am, they had to call me to go around to the back of the house to unlock the door and let them in.
Nothing is ever simple, you know?
Dad's diagnosis - he'd been feeling nauseated all day and hadn't eaten or drunk anything. He's had problems with being dizzy lately, and the combination of that, lack of food/water, and congestion reducing his oxygen input (he has COPD and emphysema), there's really no surprise he went over. So far the tests seem to say that everything is fine.
My awesome husband has started teaching me python. So far, it makes sense - I've not had a whole lot of spare brain cells to give it lately, unfortunately. I'm hoping I'll be able to retain at least a LITTLE of it! Work has been kinda nutty - I have a major deadline on the 30th, and two days ago found out that I have another major deadline on May 12th. The thing due on May 12th? Last time they had to do it at work it took them a month. I'm hoping that because I'm there now it will go faster. (Not to be smug or anything.) The OMGHAIRONFIREINEEDTHESENUMBERSBYTODAY that got thrown at me and 3 other people yesterday or the day before? Found out today 'Nevermind, finance department screwed up and we don't actually have any money to spend, don't need those numbers after all.'
*sigh*
On the bright side, at least I got my new laptop at work. The old one was making me absolutely crazy. This one? Muuuuuuuuuch faster.
The most exciting thing that's happened to me personally, though?
I'VE GONE BACK TO COLLEGE!!!
Registered today, and am now filling out all the financial aid paperwork. According to the advisor (I hope to god he's right and not blowing smoke) I should be totally covered. So I'm finally going to finish my bachelors degree. (online) Am currently aiming for "social science" - a history/polisci focus. So all that free time that I had (bwahahahahahahahahaha) I've now got something to do with! It was really cool that both friends I told today were not only incredibly excited as well, but they said if there was anything they could do to help me to just let them know.
I didn't get any pictures from my most recent facepainting adventures. It's just as well, because now that I have two classes to cover, holidays are slammed trying to get to everybody. Well, more than two classes, actually - not only do I have both of my kids' classes, but since I work at a school, I get the teachers there asking if I can do it for their classes too. This means the cheek art has gotten MUCH simpler - hearts on valentine's day, 4-leaf clovers on St. Patrick's day, and decorated eggs right before easter. Not much worth taking pictures of.
I was going to do facepainting for the March of Dimes walk, but the dress rehearsal for my choral concert was rescheduled and there was no way I could miss it. :( I felt really bad cancelling on them relatively last-minute - I hope they'll keep me in mind for their next event.
Speaking of that dress rehearsal? We were singing The Creation by Haydn. (In english, thank goodness - I've been too busy to try to do it in german.) It's about 2 hours long. Or more. And the soloists do quite a bit of singing without us, the chorus - so we have chairs to sit in. Now imagine this: about 200 people, sitting down in folding plastic & metal chairs. SQUUUEEEEAAK! You should have seen the look on my director's face. He's a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to his music. So here's me in a nutshell - the next dress rehearsal (we had two) I brought a can of WD40 and tried it on my chair. It seemed to work, so after rehearsal, I spent an hour on my knees spraying the 4 joints of almost all of 200 chairs. I couldn't get to all of them before the people in the church had taken them down & put them away, but I hit most of them! Yes, I'm a bit of a perfectionist, or obsessive-compulsive, or both, why do you ask? So when we're all standing there the next day warming up before the concert, we've not sat down yet, and I'm DYING to know if the chairs still squeak. We're about to go into the back so they can open the house, and I ask our assistant director (he's a PhD student, and very inspiring) if we can sit down & stand up because I want to know if it worked! (I think he did too.) So he gets everybody's attention and says "Okay, sit down everybody. (everybody sits) Okay, stand up. (everybody stands) If you notice a difference in how your chair sounds, thank her, she sprayed them all with WD40 yesterday." Everyone started applauding, and he made me stand up and take a bow.
I have had a very gratifying life lately. :)
Both my kids have gotten into a local charter school that looks REALLY COOL, and I'm really excited about it. It's not that far away from where we live, either, which is a bonus.
Babbling I am! I'm almost out of battery as well, so I'm going to quit now. I'm sure you now have heard more than you ever wanted to about the minutiae of my life, but it's been a while since I've written, and I'm out of practice.
Hope all is well with all of you out there in cyberspace!
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
The advantages of blogging
I've not blogged in a long time. And ever since I started playing with Twitter & Facebook, any time I normally would have spent here has been frittered away elsewhere.
That being said, it's not possible to be quite as verbose as I'm used to on either one of those. And since here at the office most of my coworkers are on a different plane of existence, I've got to talk somewhere, to somebody, before I lose my ever-lovin mind.
I don't know how stay-at-home mothers do it. There are days like today, when J isn't available to chat online, when I'm so desperate to talk to a like-minded adult I could cry. There aren't a whole lot of like-minded adults out there that I know well, which is part of the problem. And those I do know - well, they have a life, and can't chat with me in the middle of the day. I am not the witty conversationalist of sparkling personality that I thought I was. *sigh*
So I've started looking into finishing college. As much as I'd like to actually BE IN a class (to meet other intelligent - or hopefully intelligent - human beings) the online route is probably going to have to do for right now. Considering how much time I spend talking to people online anyway, I won't even notice the difference. :)
Well, time to pack up and take a kid to gymnastics. After that, I'm sure there's a whole list of other things I have to do. I'm going to go take my second wellbutrin. Maybe that will help.
That being said, it's not possible to be quite as verbose as I'm used to on either one of those. And since here at the office most of my coworkers are on a different plane of existence, I've got to talk somewhere, to somebody, before I lose my ever-lovin mind.
I don't know how stay-at-home mothers do it. There are days like today, when J isn't available to chat online, when I'm so desperate to talk to a like-minded adult I could cry. There aren't a whole lot of like-minded adults out there that I know well, which is part of the problem. And those I do know - well, they have a life, and can't chat with me in the middle of the day. I am not the witty conversationalist of sparkling personality that I thought I was. *sigh*
So I've started looking into finishing college. As much as I'd like to actually BE IN a class (to meet other intelligent - or hopefully intelligent - human beings) the online route is probably going to have to do for right now. Considering how much time I spend talking to people online anyway, I won't even notice the difference. :)
Well, time to pack up and take a kid to gymnastics. After that, I'm sure there's a whole list of other things I have to do. I'm going to go take my second wellbutrin. Maybe that will help.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Please kill me before I get to this point
I'm sitting here in the living room, listening to my aunt and whomever this friend is who's come over to do her nails. My aunt is in the process of making shit up to this woman. Which she does all the time. When my mother told me that the Hospice nurse had called her supervisor, who called mom, because my aunt had told the nurse that I wasn't giving her her medications, I managed to just cuss a lot rather than call my aunt up and ask her what the FUCK was wrong with her. Withholding her meds? What? ARGH!! (This was a week or so after mom had told me she'd overheard my aunt telling some of her friends that my husband and I were having marital problems. WTF?)
Heh. I'm throwing a monkey wrench in my aunt's bullshit by telling the woman who's here what REALLY happened about the hospital bed fiasco. (That's a whole 'nother story.)
She had a recent heart attack, and has congestive heart failure, and I think the doctor said 15% injection rate - so there's not much heart there. I doubt she'll live much longer - which will probably be a blessing for all concerned. I try not to feel guilty for saying that.
The thing that kinda bothers me is that this mental stuff, that's not new. She's always told one person one thing, and another person another thing... it's just that before, the people she was telling elaborate misinformation to didn't matter. Now she's telling the nurses & home health aids stuff that's not true, and when I ask her about something, she tells ME something that's not true.... I put together a "Medical Notes" page so the nurses etc. can WRITE DOWN notes about what's gone on when I'm not there - because my aunt is not able to be relied on. It gets very frustrating sometimes. Her grasp on reality, and her view of reality, have always been a bit... different. Nowadays it seems even more disconnected.
It doesn't help that she sees her sister (my mother) as the authority figure to be rebelled against. (At least that's what it seems like.) I told my mother - if the worst were to come to pass and her sister had to go and live with her, that I was leaving the state and getting an unlisted phone #.
Heh. I'm throwing a monkey wrench in my aunt's bullshit by telling the woman who's here what REALLY happened about the hospital bed fiasco. (That's a whole 'nother story.)
She had a recent heart attack, and has congestive heart failure, and I think the doctor said 15% injection rate - so there's not much heart there. I doubt she'll live much longer - which will probably be a blessing for all concerned. I try not to feel guilty for saying that.
The thing that kinda bothers me is that this mental stuff, that's not new. She's always told one person one thing, and another person another thing... it's just that before, the people she was telling elaborate misinformation to didn't matter. Now she's telling the nurses & home health aids stuff that's not true, and when I ask her about something, she tells ME something that's not true.... I put together a "Medical Notes" page so the nurses etc. can WRITE DOWN notes about what's gone on when I'm not there - because my aunt is not able to be relied on. It gets very frustrating sometimes. Her grasp on reality, and her view of reality, have always been a bit... different. Nowadays it seems even more disconnected.
It doesn't help that she sees her sister (my mother) as the authority figure to be rebelled against. (At least that's what it seems like.) I told my mother - if the worst were to come to pass and her sister had to go and live with her, that I was leaving the state and getting an unlisted phone #.
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
We're so well matched
So J & I are sitting here, and in the course of our conversation we wondered how many ex-presidents have ever been alive at the same time. Because I'm a curious sort of person, and a geek, I whipped out my laptop and opened up excel and made a spreadsheet.
So it turns out, the most ex-presidents that have ever been alive at the same time is five.
In 1862, Martin Van Buren (died July 24), John Tyler (died Jan 18), Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, & James Buchanan - Abraham Lincoln was president.
In 1994, Richard Nixon (died April 22), Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, & George H.W. Bush were alive - Bill Clinton was president.
From 2002-2004, Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, & Bill Clinton were alive - George W. Bush was president.
Now, if you wanted to know the year that the most were ALIVE, whether they'd been president yet or not... I went back to 1732 (the year Washington was born), but there was at most 18 men alive who either had been, were, or would be president. The last year there were 18 alive was 1845 - there were many years before that.
I am now watching the Adams miniseries with my husband. Doesn't get much better than this!
So it turns out, the most ex-presidents that have ever been alive at the same time is five.
In 1862, Martin Van Buren (died July 24), John Tyler (died Jan 18), Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, & James Buchanan - Abraham Lincoln was president.
In 1994, Richard Nixon (died April 22), Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, & George H.W. Bush were alive - Bill Clinton was president.
From 2002-2004, Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, & Bill Clinton were alive - George W. Bush was president.
Now, if you wanted to know the year that the most were ALIVE, whether they'd been president yet or not... I went back to 1732 (the year Washington was born), but there was at most 18 men alive who either had been, were, or would be president. The last year there were 18 alive was 1845 - there were many years before that.
I am now watching the Adams miniseries with my husband. Doesn't get much better than this!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
I found a designer I like!
How bizarre. I've spent too much time in brain numbing net surfing.
I noticed that I liked several dresses on the red carpet that were designed by Elie Saab, so I went looking.
Not bad! Wonder if I can find some knock-offs?
I noticed that I liked several dresses on the red carpet that were designed by Elie Saab, so I went looking.
Not bad! Wonder if I can find some knock-offs?
Friday, January 30, 2009
Working from home
Totally unrelated to anything going on in my life right now, this is something that's been bugging me.
I'm not allowed to take a hundred bucks (of my own money) and bet on the outcome of the Super Bowl (not legally, I mean) but Wall Street financial gurus are allowed to take millions of dollars (OTHER people's money) and bet that 'this' particular chunk of people are going to pay their mortgages?
I'm not generally accused of being too logical, but I do TRY, and this just is beyond me. I don't hear this talked about a lot, either, which makes me wonder. People just seem stunned; they don't understand where all the money has gone. Well, a good chunk of the money was NEVER REALLY THERE to begin with - so much of economics is based on psychology - what somebody THINKS something is worth, makes it worth that much, you know? The other half - it was gambling. The banks were gambling with your retirement money, your investment money, etc. They gambled and they LOST.
Anyway, I've discovered a problem with working at home. Aside from the fact that I feel like shit, and the kids feel like shit off & on (and are 4 and 6, so are doing their normal 4 & 6 stuff aside from illness) - the problem with working at home that I've never heard anybody warn me about? The fact that my cat thinks I'm the most comfortable bed in the house. When I'm not available, he'll frequently find my open laptop to lie on. Right now he's trying to manage to lie with his head on my hands while I'm typing.
I'm a lot better than I was two or three days ago, but I'm really tired and nauseated right now. Having a very hard time concentrating on these columns of numbers. :( Hopefully I'll have more success tonight after the kids are in bed.
I'm not allowed to take a hundred bucks (of my own money) and bet on the outcome of the Super Bowl (not legally, I mean) but Wall Street financial gurus are allowed to take millions of dollars (OTHER people's money) and bet that 'this' particular chunk of people are going to pay their mortgages?
I'm not generally accused of being too logical, but I do TRY, and this just is beyond me. I don't hear this talked about a lot, either, which makes me wonder. People just seem stunned; they don't understand where all the money has gone. Well, a good chunk of the money was NEVER REALLY THERE to begin with - so much of economics is based on psychology - what somebody THINKS something is worth, makes it worth that much, you know? The other half - it was gambling. The banks were gambling with your retirement money, your investment money, etc. They gambled and they LOST.
Anyway, I've discovered a problem with working at home. Aside from the fact that I feel like shit, and the kids feel like shit off & on (and are 4 and 6, so are doing their normal 4 & 6 stuff aside from illness) - the problem with working at home that I've never heard anybody warn me about? The fact that my cat thinks I'm the most comfortable bed in the house. When I'm not available, he'll frequently find my open laptop to lie on. Right now he's trying to manage to lie with his head on my hands while I'm typing.
I'm a lot better than I was two or three days ago, but I'm really tired and nauseated right now. Having a very hard time concentrating on these columns of numbers. :( Hopefully I'll have more success tonight after the kids are in bed.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
It's 2am and my head hurts
Bitch bitch whine.
Have spent the last thirty minutes or so perusing Red Carpet Fashions and I have to ask -
do they pick ugly models on purpose?
do they tell the models to put on that face - you know, it's either "I hate you all" or "this place smells" - I think I might have seen ONE smiling.
I already think it's insanely stupid to model your fashion on walking sticks when most of the population does not (and will never) look like that - aside from the fact that I just don't think women that are that skinny are attractive. At all. If I wanted to see bones, I'd go for my anatomy book. What's wonderful about women is their CURVES. Sexy, soft or strong, curves. Why hold up as a feminine ideal somebody who looks like a concentration camp survivor? (Not to belittle concentration camp victims, but you know what I mean. At least they didn't starve THEMSELVES out of some perverted ideal of beauty.)
I'm going to try to go to sleep now. If those two tylenol pm don't kick in soon, I'm gonna cry.
Have spent the last thirty minutes or so perusing Red Carpet Fashions and I have to ask -
do they pick ugly models on purpose?
do they tell the models to put on that face - you know, it's either "I hate you all" or "this place smells" - I think I might have seen ONE smiling.
I already think it's insanely stupid to model your fashion on walking sticks when most of the population does not (and will never) look like that - aside from the fact that I just don't think women that are that skinny are attractive. At all. If I wanted to see bones, I'd go for my anatomy book. What's wonderful about women is their CURVES. Sexy, soft or strong, curves. Why hold up as a feminine ideal somebody who looks like a concentration camp survivor? (Not to belittle concentration camp victims, but you know what I mean. At least they didn't starve THEMSELVES out of some perverted ideal of beauty.)
I'm going to try to go to sleep now. If those two tylenol pm don't kick in soon, I'm gonna cry.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
I should be working
Right now, my head hurts too much to even think about looking at spreadsheets. I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything anyway. Sinus infection heading to bronchitis. (And my throat hurts too - can't really talk anymore. Difficult to be mom when you can't talk.)
I've been thinking several times as I'm driving around about things I'd like to post blog entries on, and yet, when I get home, there's always something else that takes away my attention.
Like now. 102° fever makes it hard for me to think. Brain slowly being cooked.
Hopefully, however, this post will remind me to post more often. So much to babble about lately!
I've been thinking several times as I'm driving around about things I'd like to post blog entries on, and yet, when I get home, there's always something else that takes away my attention.
Like now. 102° fever makes it hard for me to think. Brain slowly being cooked.
Hopefully, however, this post will remind me to post more often. So much to babble about lately!
Friday, August 22, 2008
Sitting inside on a rainy day
A thought just occurred to me.
In all the kerfuffle about the McCains lying about how Mother Teresa herself implored Cindy to take two babies to America for medical treatment, I just realized - Cindy McCain brought TWO babies to the United States. One she adopted and is now Bridget McCain - whatever happened to the other one?
The strange thing about all this is the lie itself. Cindy McCain goes over there, one of the nuns 'persuades' her to take some kids home for medical treatment that they wouldn't be able to get locally, Cindy agrees. How does lying about it being Mother Teresa herself asking you make you look better? I mean, the nun has to persuade you to take this poor child for medical treatment when you're a multi-millionaire - the idea didn't occur to you on your own to use your money to help these less fortunate, you had to be 'persuaded'? Good for you for bringing them to the US, good for you for adopting one. You have 7 houses (two more that other people live in) - you could have paid for a thousand children to be adopted by other people around the world who want children. Don't expect too much in the way of acclaim. A quote from one of my favorite movies: "You have been born to privilege, and with that comes specific obligations."
In all the kerfuffle about the McCains lying about how Mother Teresa herself implored Cindy to take two babies to America for medical treatment, I just realized - Cindy McCain brought TWO babies to the United States. One she adopted and is now Bridget McCain - whatever happened to the other one?
The strange thing about all this is the lie itself. Cindy McCain goes over there, one of the nuns 'persuades' her to take some kids home for medical treatment that they wouldn't be able to get locally, Cindy agrees. How does lying about it being Mother Teresa herself asking you make you look better? I mean, the nun has to persuade you to take this poor child for medical treatment when you're a multi-millionaire - the idea didn't occur to you on your own to use your money to help these less fortunate, you had to be 'persuaded'? Good for you for bringing them to the US, good for you for adopting one. You have 7 houses (two more that other people live in) - you could have paid for a thousand children to be adopted by other people around the world who want children. Don't expect too much in the way of acclaim. A quote from one of my favorite movies: "You have been born to privilege, and with that comes specific obligations."
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
heading out to get my prescriptions
This is the reason I got the prescription for xanax, or whatever it is.
http://thinkprogress.org/2008/07/02/hitchens-after-being-waterboarded-believe-me-its-torture/
I'm finishing up reading this article, and my three year old son came in, and asked me (pointing at the picture) "Who's that?"
I said "That's a reporter... experiencing being... waterboarded."
And then it hit me, and I started to cry.
THIS is the country that I am bringing up my son in. A country that does this to people.
http://thinkprogress.org/2008/07/02/hitchens-after-being-waterboarded-believe-me-its-torture/
I'm finishing up reading this article, and my three year old son came in, and asked me (pointing at the picture) "Who's that?"
I said "That's a reporter... experiencing being... waterboarded."
And then it hit me, and I started to cry.
THIS is the country that I am bringing up my son in. A country that does this to people.
Monday, June 30, 2008
A good rule of thumb:
If you have to preface your statement with "It's none of my business, but" then IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Don't even say it.
AAAARRRRRGGGGHHH
AAAARRRRRGGGGHHH
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Surrounded by children
Am sitting here in the living room.
Which is now cleaned out and cleaned up and not stacked chest high with stuff anymore, by the way. Thank you, darling husband.
Listening to mom & dad in the kitchen.
Dad was looking in the meat compartment. Bitching out loud to himself, as usual. (Usually it's yelling at the television - yesterday he was watching something talking about Obama & Hillary and he was shouting bible verses - the one about those with ears let them hear - at the tv. I called the doctor and have a prescription for xanax now.) Anyway, dad was looking for lunchmeat. Turkey, specifically. We happen to be out, and there's a lot of sausage in there. Mom's in there cleaning & unloading dishwasher. He said something about there not being any lunchmeat and I piped up that there was corned beef. So mom asks him, do you want corned beef? Back and forth, dad is like well, there's nothing else. Mom is like it's a yes or no question. Dad is like, well, I WANT turkey. Mom's like well, we don't HAVE turkey, we have corned beef, or you could have cheese, or tuna, what do you want? Dad says oh, just hand me the plates. (To put away in the cabinet.)
Mom finally had the contractor over, and has given him the go-ahead. Who knows, we may actually get the house fixed before dad dies. Or I die. Of course, we have to pick out tile and fixtures and whatnot - and considering mom has spent days - DAYS - looking at cell phones, and researching them, and going to the store to work with them hands on, only to finally order one and decide she doesn't like it and is going to return it - there's no telling how long it will take to get the house done.
It's a wonder I'm not a raging alcoholic. The amount of hand-holding is taking a mental toll. Mom wanted me to come back to her room to take a look at her new phone (a blackberry) because the ball wasn't acting the way the one in the store was, and could I take a look at it. (This was Thursday night.) I told her I was going to go spend some time with my husband, as I'd not spent a whole lot of time with him lately, and that she'd have me all day tomorrow during the day (Friday) as my office is closed Friday and I wasn't going to be working. She was pissy the rest of the night. Snapping at people, etc.
I'm trying desperately to break the cycle. I already have more bad habits from my mother than I care to admit. My husband, bless him, is good about standing up for himself and calling me on my bullshit. I don't appreciate it at the TIME, but I do appreciate it. I don't want my daughter to grow up with the same problems.
Watching the physical and mental deterioration of my parents is difficult. Some days I handle it better than others. On days like today - well, today I'm not handling anything well. Last night I got back from going to Home Depot and looking at tile and bathroom vanities with my mother, and crawled into bed in a dark room and laid there for the rest of the night. This morning I took my medicine, but it's not helped a whole lot. I don't know if I'm ramping up for my period or what, but this depression is getting old. It's been worse than usual the last few months. It could have something to do with the fact that I'm living in a room with three other people (two of whom are under 6 years old) and a rotting house full of garbage and two adults who frequently act like children with a job that's getting consistently more complex and time consuming (I'm now on the 'statewide data committee', how's that for taking up more time than the excruciatingly-part-time-secretary job that I thought I had? That's what I get for being intelligent and competent, ha.) and that I'm still paying off old debts and the car needs new tires and brakes and oh god stop the world spinning I WANT TO GET OFF
But on the bright side, I've gotten to do some wonderful things lately (my alarm just went off on my computer, and it's playing the Testament of Freedom that I got to sing at the Kennedy Center, that's a wonderful memory - and we get to sing at Carnegie Hall in 2010, and Prague in 2012!!!) - for example, I just finished a week long rowing camp - I learned how to row long skinny boats! Got the bruises to prove it, too. Ow. And I have a roof over my head, and food to eat, and two awesome kids and a husband whose patience will become legendary - so what am I complaining for? ;)
I'm going to go take a shower. Water always makes me feel better.
*edit*
The shower was nice - the adult time was even better. Got two hours to go bowl with my husband and all the people from his office.
I have to say, though - coming home to sit in the living room with the kids and having my daughter show me how good she is at feeding Gnocci (pbskids.org) while dad sits in his chair watching tv (which he does about 15 hours a day) and bitching about how loud the kids are...
they're your grandchildren. DO SOMETHING WITH THEM.
Even YOUR DOCTOR recommended you do things with them, for chrissake!
I managed not to snap at him this time. I have snapped at him in the past. (Something like "sure, because your television is SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than your grandchildren" as I stomped off. It made no difference.)
Which is now cleaned out and cleaned up and not stacked chest high with stuff anymore, by the way. Thank you, darling husband.
Listening to mom & dad in the kitchen.
Dad was looking in the meat compartment. Bitching out loud to himself, as usual. (Usually it's yelling at the television - yesterday he was watching something talking about Obama & Hillary and he was shouting bible verses - the one about those with ears let them hear - at the tv. I called the doctor and have a prescription for xanax now.) Anyway, dad was looking for lunchmeat. Turkey, specifically. We happen to be out, and there's a lot of sausage in there. Mom's in there cleaning & unloading dishwasher. He said something about there not being any lunchmeat and I piped up that there was corned beef. So mom asks him, do you want corned beef? Back and forth, dad is like well, there's nothing else. Mom is like it's a yes or no question. Dad is like, well, I WANT turkey. Mom's like well, we don't HAVE turkey, we have corned beef, or you could have cheese, or tuna, what do you want? Dad says oh, just hand me the plates. (To put away in the cabinet.)
Mom finally had the contractor over, and has given him the go-ahead. Who knows, we may actually get the house fixed before dad dies. Or I die. Of course, we have to pick out tile and fixtures and whatnot - and considering mom has spent days - DAYS - looking at cell phones, and researching them, and going to the store to work with them hands on, only to finally order one and decide she doesn't like it and is going to return it - there's no telling how long it will take to get the house done.
It's a wonder I'm not a raging alcoholic. The amount of hand-holding is taking a mental toll. Mom wanted me to come back to her room to take a look at her new phone (a blackberry) because the ball wasn't acting the way the one in the store was, and could I take a look at it. (This was Thursday night.) I told her I was going to go spend some time with my husband, as I'd not spent a whole lot of time with him lately, and that she'd have me all day tomorrow during the day (Friday) as my office is closed Friday and I wasn't going to be working. She was pissy the rest of the night. Snapping at people, etc.
I'm trying desperately to break the cycle. I already have more bad habits from my mother than I care to admit. My husband, bless him, is good about standing up for himself and calling me on my bullshit. I don't appreciate it at the TIME, but I do appreciate it. I don't want my daughter to grow up with the same problems.
Watching the physical and mental deterioration of my parents is difficult. Some days I handle it better than others. On days like today - well, today I'm not handling anything well. Last night I got back from going to Home Depot and looking at tile and bathroom vanities with my mother, and crawled into bed in a dark room and laid there for the rest of the night. This morning I took my medicine, but it's not helped a whole lot. I don't know if I'm ramping up for my period or what, but this depression is getting old. It's been worse than usual the last few months. It could have something to do with the fact that I'm living in a room with three other people (two of whom are under 6 years old) and a rotting house full of garbage and two adults who frequently act like children with a job that's getting consistently more complex and time consuming (I'm now on the 'statewide data committee', how's that for taking up more time than the excruciatingly-part-time-secretary job that I thought I had? That's what I get for being intelligent and competent, ha.) and that I'm still paying off old debts and the car needs new tires and brakes and oh god stop the world spinning I WANT TO GET OFF
But on the bright side, I've gotten to do some wonderful things lately (my alarm just went off on my computer, and it's playing the Testament of Freedom that I got to sing at the Kennedy Center, that's a wonderful memory - and we get to sing at Carnegie Hall in 2010, and Prague in 2012!!!) - for example, I just finished a week long rowing camp - I learned how to row long skinny boats! Got the bruises to prove it, too. Ow. And I have a roof over my head, and food to eat, and two awesome kids and a husband whose patience will become legendary - so what am I complaining for? ;)
I'm going to go take a shower. Water always makes me feel better.
*edit*
The shower was nice - the adult time was even better. Got two hours to go bowl with my husband and all the people from his office.
I have to say, though - coming home to sit in the living room with the kids and having my daughter show me how good she is at feeding Gnocci (pbskids.org) while dad sits in his chair watching tv (which he does about 15 hours a day) and bitching about how loud the kids are...
they're your grandchildren. DO SOMETHING WITH THEM.
Even YOUR DOCTOR recommended you do things with them, for chrissake!
I managed not to snap at him this time. I have snapped at him in the past. (Something like "sure, because your television is SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than your grandchildren" as I stomped off. It made no difference.)
Monday, June 09, 2008
Are YOU better off than you were 8 years ago?
From ThinkProgress:
I'm betting that's the same 22% that still thinks Bush is doing a good job...
Had dinner over at my father-in-law's house the other night. While we were there, my sister-in-law (a conservative) was teasing me by whispering to my daughter "Tell mommy you want McCain to win!" - I had to fight back a surge of irritation, because it's all well and good to joke about it, but there are people DYING right now, fighting a war that should never have been started... and when you look at the economy, people are not doing well (hell, she's not doing so great herself), and McCain is just promising more of the same as Bush on the economic front... I know she's religious and pro-life, so the spectre of a Supreme Court that will reverse Roe vs. Wade doesn't bother her...
So I walked away. I don't think I'm going to change her mind on anything (heck, if the shape the country is in hasn't made her double check her assumptions, then me arguing with her isn't either) and I didn't feel up to getting into it.
I would really like to get that book "how to talk to a conservative" (it's something like that) so I have an arsenal to fight off the talking points. In the same vein, I want to learn the bible backwards and forwards, so when talking to fundies I can point out the insanity. It helps to be prepared.
Although in this case, I don't think logic would sway her. She's not the type to let reality change her mind about something. :)
78 percent: Those questioned in a new CNN/Opinion Research Corporation survey out this morning who rate the economic conditions as poor. “That’s up from 75 percent in March. Only 22 percent rate the economic conditions in the country as good.”
I'm betting that's the same 22% that still thinks Bush is doing a good job...
Had dinner over at my father-in-law's house the other night. While we were there, my sister-in-law (a conservative) was teasing me by whispering to my daughter "Tell mommy you want McCain to win!" - I had to fight back a surge of irritation, because it's all well and good to joke about it, but there are people DYING right now, fighting a war that should never have been started... and when you look at the economy, people are not doing well (hell, she's not doing so great herself), and McCain is just promising more of the same as Bush on the economic front... I know she's religious and pro-life, so the spectre of a Supreme Court that will reverse Roe vs. Wade doesn't bother her...
So I walked away. I don't think I'm going to change her mind on anything (heck, if the shape the country is in hasn't made her double check her assumptions, then me arguing with her isn't either) and I didn't feel up to getting into it.
I would really like to get that book "how to talk to a conservative" (it's something like that) so I have an arsenal to fight off the talking points. In the same vein, I want to learn the bible backwards and forwards, so when talking to fundies I can point out the insanity. It helps to be prepared.
Although in this case, I don't think logic would sway her. She's not the type to let reality change her mind about something. :)
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Marie rocks!
But not as much as Elton John.
Marie calls me up at 7pm and says "Hey, wanna come to the Elton John concert? I've got free tickets and you & J can come!" J didn't feel up to it, but told me to go and have fun. I have to say, even though in the past I've not been a big Elton John fan, I REALLY enjoyed myself. This man has so much fun on stage, it's hard not to smile watching him. And very classy, too - apologized that his illness had made it hard on us here in Tallahassee when he'd had to reschedule; then after being called back on stage for his encore, he went down the front of the stage and signed a bunch of stuff for all the people clustered there, then sat down and played more.
The sunglasses were smaller than I was expecting. :)
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Nightmares
I rarely remember my dreams. Last night/this morning not only could I remember it, but whenever I fell asleep I jumped right back into the dream. Which, had it not been a nightmare, could have been fun.
Dreamt I was trapped in the USSR. For whatever reason I couldn't get out - either couldn't find my visa, or was in trouble somehow. I had a small child with me - twoish - which was an interesting blend of both of my children. J had met up with somebody - possibly Bruno from the West Wing - and they'd decided to try some sort of escape plan. I thought it was a stupid plan, and hadn't joined them. They'd been shot. So I'm looking frantically through my van for some sort of official paperwork, and thinking in my head that I could just go to the US Embassy and at least drop my child off there (had the child's visa) so my child would survive and make it back to the states, because I knew that somebody was going to be coming for me soon... then some woman comes up and snatches a large envelope from under the windshield wiper, and takes off. I have no idea why it was there, or what it was, but I assumed it was something important, so I took off after the woman and snatched it back, and as I'm heading back to my car, I see ANOTHER woman snag something from the pile of papers I've been looking through in the glove compartment and take off. I'm now wondering if the first woman is a decoy, as I run back to the car, shut it, grab my keys and beep the lock, and turn around to see the second woman looking at me from her spot on a train as it starts to go by. I run to try to jump on the train to get whatever this paper is back, and that's when I wake up.
Why yes, I am feeling a little trapped, why do you ask?
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